Thank you, Kobayashi Maru, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were driving to work when our car sped up to 140 kilometres per hour, jumped the median and drove against traffic for a couple of minutes before crashing through somebody's house and into the pool in their backyard. We tried to explain to the officer in charge of the subsequent investigation that the chip in our car must have been hacked by somebody who wanted to use us to create mayhem on the roads - and in the pools - of our great city. The officer seemed skeptical, probably because we drove a Toyota mongoose, which was not the make or model of the cars that had been hacked. A mile high blood alcohol level didn't help, either.
Police officers can be so cynical.
Enjoy,Follow-up Study Suggests That When They Use The Money To Buy Food, They Have Less Food
According to a new report by the Fraser Institute (which we will not refer to as "rabidly right wing" even though we refer to left wing think tanks like the Broadbent Institute as "those Commie pinko bastards" because we're journalists and we can do what we want nyah nyah nyah), giving poor people money means they have less money.
"I was surprised by this result, too," said Charles Lammam, director of fiscal studies at the (wink wink) Fraser Institute. "We're not sure why this is the case, but give us a little time and we will hypothesize, rationalize and...and...and make up...ize some kind of explanation!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=98ddccd7-f6f3-4d4d-9d25-a2eb4cc6a307]
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In The Future, Agents Will Be Trained To Only Hide Behind Tuna Canning Plants
LOLCats at War: Infiltration
During war, it is sometimes necessary to collect information on an enemy by sending one of your own agents to live among them, pretending to be one of them so they don't suspect the truth. The key to such missions is for the agent to be skilled at deception and camouflage, so that his dual role is not discovered. Here, Agent Sleeper Mittens uses a catnip plant to hide behind so expertly that you cannot tell where the plant ends and the sleeper agent begins.
Unfortunately, if your agent lives long enough among your enemies, it might start to believe in their way of life and empathize with their goals. This is known in spycraft as "going native." Well, it was in the nineteenth century, but you'd be surprised at how little the basics have changed. Here, we see Agent Sleeper Mittens, perhaps having ingested some of the catnip he was supposed to be using as camouflage, trying to lick his forehead with his tongue. Oh, Agent Sleeper Mittens!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Complaints About The Iced Tea Served With The Meal Don't Count
Donald Trump has gone 17 minutes without saying something offensive about immigrants, his rivals for the Republican presidential nomination or rapper Ice-T. Is this a sign of restraint on the part of The Donald, or an indication that his candidacy is running out of steam?
"Neither," Trump's current wife Melania stated. "It's a sign that he's having dinner. Really, don't you people have real news to cover?"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Jul21.html]
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I'm Not Sure I'm In A High Enough Pay Grade To Be Able To Express My Own Reaction
Claiming that they are bound by the 30 year-old federal Privacy Act, the RCMP has stopped routinely naming the victims of accidents, car crashes and crimes. The force will not say when it adopted the new approach to secrecy, or why.
Well, they wouldn't, would they?
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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If The Food Banks Need A Place To Work Out Of...
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=4340033958]
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When He Makes A Comeback, He Reminds You Of Why You Were Happy He Went Away In The First Place.
He once parallel parked a double decker bus...physicists still debate how he managed to get it upside down. His body knows how to swear in 27 different languages. He was single-handedly responsible for ensuring that tug-of-war stopped being an Olympic event. The last time he flirted with danger, danger passed out from his breath.
He is the most interesting alcoholic in the world.
"I don't usu - beeeeelch! I don't often drink - aaaaaaarrrrrr, hack hack hack! You're my besht friend! My beshtest, breathtest, breastesh - uhh, Dos Equus - shtay thrishty, my friednishes."
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1306472608]
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Because You're Spending It In Their Province?
The Ontario government is crying foul over the Harper Government of Canada's announcement of a grant to a project in a Conservative MP's riding. Representatives of the Wynne government claimed that they were not consulted on the grant - which was only tangentially mentioned in a footnote on a list of 115 projects they did want funded - and were not invited to make the announcement with the Tory Minister of Buying Votes Through Infrastructure Spending.
"Why would we want the provincial liberals to have anything to do with the announcement?" asked federal Minister of Buying Votes Through Infrastructure Spending Denis Lebel. "After all, it's our money!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/07/22/509727.html]
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Haters Gonna Hate, But Fans Might Find It Great
Fans of Doctor Seuss are finding the recently released book Get a Pet For a Watchman To Set? less fun than Thing Two and Thing One. Based on doodles Theodore Geisel droodled and a few hyped lines he typed before he died, many of his young readers agree that it awkwardly messes with Seuss' legacy.
"I always thought of the Cat in the Hat as really phun, really phat," said seller of cargo cult pants and part-time adult Marilyn Whitebread. "The new book paints him as something of a kook and a danger to the sanity of the average modern family!"
"By which I mean me!" she hastily added.
"I can understand readers' perplexity," said literary critic Waldo von Pippick, "but this book gives the Cat in the Hat a whole new level of complexity! I feel very secure when I say that this is a brilliant piece of literature!"
In any case, it's too late: the book was approved by Geisel's estate.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.44.09/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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