Thank you, Grubsmacker Volcke, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we gave the staff the afternoon off to celebrate the American Supreme Court's decision to make marriage equality the law of the land. Of course, in Canada, gays have been legally allowed to marry each other for over a decade, so we suspect that some of our staff may have been taking advantage of our generous nature...
Enjoy,"Now, If You'll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Pee Behind That...Green Leafy Shrub Over There..."
Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush has legally changed his name to Jazzie Jebbie Jeezster. "I don't know," Triple J, as he will inevitably come to be known, explained. "It just felt right to me somehow."
When asked if he was trying to run away from any connection to his brother's legacy as President, Jeezster waved his hands and hastily responded, "No, no, no, no, no. Of course not. I'm proud of my family! It's just that, our polls show that I'm skewing older, and my advisers thought the name change would interest younger voters. I mean, honestly! The name...of my family has a long and proud history!"
Former President George H. W. Bush shook his head sadly.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2015-06-25-triple-j-barely-single-threat_x.htm]
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It Can't Make Any Less Sense Than The Last Matrix Film
Netflix, Insense8. Eight strangers in various places around the world find that they are psychically linked to one another, but only when they are drunk or stoned. This turns out to be far less helpful than they at first could have hoped.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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It's Not The Size Of Your Monument That Counts...
The National Capital Commission has announced that a controversial monument to victims of communism on Ottawa's main ceremonial street will only be half as tall as originally planned. Does this mean that communism was only half as bad as the Harper Government of Canada would like us to believe?
"No, no, no," stated Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "Making the monument smaller just means that the evil is more concentrated in what remains!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/06/23/509727.html]
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Legal Scholars Believe It Was Scalia's Most Coherent Argument In Years
The Supreme Court has ruled twice in favour of Democratic policies, first that the Affordable Care Act was Constitutional, then that gay marriage had to be legal in all 50 states. Republicans were apoplectic, none more so than Karl Rove, who blurted: "Why bother appointing judges if they won't stay appointed?"
In his dissenting opinion on the gay marriage ruling, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote: "The stupid stupid stupidheads who made up the stupid majority in this stupid ruling were...not very smart."
"Exactly. Like that guy," Rove said. After a moment's reflection, he added, "Maybe with a little more tact..."
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1104349771020560.xml]
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WOMAN: I'm sick of all of these partisan advertisements outside of election periods!
OTHER WOMAN: Oh, me, too! How can they get away with this stuff?
WOMAN: They're bought and paid for by groups that are not connected to political parties. Well, not directly...
OTHER WOMAN: Really?
WOMAN: Sure. They have innocuous names like Working Canadians or Engage Canada, but what they're really doing is undermining the democratic process!
OTHER WOMAN: Isn't that illegal?
WOMAN: It's a kind of grey area...
OTHER WOMAN: Well, it should be illegal.
WOMAN: Yes. Yes, it should. It should be very illegal.
ANNOUNCER: A Message from the Government of Canada.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1652950609]
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Clearly, You Have Little Imagination...Or Sense Of History...
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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You'll Just Have To Use The Myriad Other Measures The Conservatives Have Given You To Weaken Your Unions
The Senate has passed Bill C-377, which would require unions to publicly proclaim spending over $5,000 as well as the salaries of any members earning more than $100,000. It had to go against its own rules to take the vote, but it just makes us love the Conservative majority even more. Given that we are about to enter into contract negotiations with the United Various Workers, Local 7, we are eager to see exactly what they spend union dues o
Oh, and the Supreme Court of Ontario has struck Bill C-377down, arguing that the Canadian constitution clearly states that labour law is the domain of the provinces, not the federal government. That was fun while it las
But, wait! The Harper Government of Canada says it will appeal the ruling. Quick! Before the - aww, too late. The Court of Appeals has affirmed the lower court's ruling. Too bad, because we really want
Hold on! Hold on just a minute, there! The Conservatives are going to appeal the decision to the Supreme Court of Canada! We still have a chance to - but, no. The Supreme Court of Canada has upheld the rulings of the lower courts.
Wow. Justice really works quickly in this country.
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/June2015.txt]
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How Sooner Is Sooner Than Now?
A 12 person pileup occurred in a Utah Valley University stairwell when a man going down veered out of the texting lane. A woman in the walking lane swerved to avoid him, crashing into another woman in the running lane; as the two tumbled down the stairs, they took several other people in both lanes down with them.
"This obviously shows how dangerous texting while walking up or down stairs is," said Matrons Against Walking While Texting (MAWWT) spokesperson Frederica Alabastair. "We need laws outlawing such behaviour now. Sooner than now! We need laws outlawing such behaviour much sooner than now!"
UVU student Mark Alabastair (who claimed he was no relation, but we have our suspicions) thought that an outright ban was extreme. "What we really need," he advised, "is better stair walking education. If people were to take classes about safe texting before being licenced to walk in stairwells, we could cut the number of accidents down by...by lots!"
Several of the people involved in the accident replied, "Ouch."
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=357392640084641374687fx]
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