The Daily Me - Magda Carta

Thank you, Magda Carta, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that the image of Jimmy Hendrix had been licensed to promote a line of marijuana-infused candies called Purple Haze. But, that was only the beginning: everybody from Snoop Dogg to Willie Nelson have branded pot products. And, we thought, Why not us? Unfortunately, all the good products have been taken, but we would be proud to lend our name to marijuana-infused enemas. We even have a name for the product: It's The Enema of the World as We Know It. (We wanted Enema of the State, but that, too, had been taken.) The best part? After they've used our product, men over 50 who need to get their colons checked for cancer won't feel a thing!

How can you not love marijuana legalization?

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Simple Truths For The Symbol-minded

In the wake of the shootings in a church in Charleston, South Carolina, many politicians on both the left and the right have called for the removal of the Confederate flag from government spaces. The following is a statement in response to the removal of the flag, with scholarly footnotes for historical context:

We are proud of our past.1 The Confederate flag is a symbol of our southern heritage.2 The flag didn't kill anybody.3 Before the war, the south had a thriving economy.4 If we haven't done as well as we could have since the war, it's because the north has imposed a foreign culture on the south.5 Taking down the Confederate flag is the beginning of communism.6 The South is the last bastion of liberty and independence.7 It's the flag my ancestors fought under - I'm just honouring their war service.8

1. A past rife with racism.
2. A heritage of racism.
3. True - people for whom it represented their racism did.
4. Built on slavery.
5. One that involves less racism.
6. Which is all about...aww, who am I kidding? I got nothing.
7. That's more like it: as long as your skin has the right colour.
8. You do know what they were fighting to preserve...don't you?

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=821&dir=bb]
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It Was Little Wonder, But Still...

A federal court has ordered the Harper Government of Canada to turn over the backup of Quebec's long-gun registry, essentially accepting the argument that government could not be trusted to keep the information for FOI requests.

"Of course, we will comply with the court order," stated Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Then, he looked down at the finger that was poised over the delete button on his computer keyboard. "Hunh. How did that get there?" he wondered.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20150622.eladvote0622_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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It's Telling That It's All In The Telling

Nine Jokes That Self-abort

1. A rabbi, a priest and the 37th element of the periodic table walk into a bar and - but, you've probably heard that joke a million times.
2. A rabbi, a priest and Alfred Nobel walk into a bar and - naah, too explosive.
3. A rabbi, a priest and a Gen X-er slink into a bar and - why would you go there? The Baby Boomers hoard their wealth and have passed innumerable laws making it harder for Gen X-ers to accumulate any of their own. Can you blame them if they don't want to participate in a system that is so obviously stacked against them?
4. A rabbi, a priest and George Gershwin walk into a bar - bet it'll take you hours to get that song out of your head!
5. A rabbi, a priest and a monk walk into a bat, and - damn, autocorrect!
6. A rabbi, a priest and aardvark barbarity shoes - no, that would just be absurd.
7. A rabbi, a priest and a feminist walk into a bar and - you seriously think I'm going anywhere near that joke?
8. A rabbi, a priest and an Alzheimer's patient walk into a bar and...uhh...and something happens and then the Alzheimer's patient turns to the priest and says...where is the punchli - okay, who moved the goddam punchline when I wasn't looking and where did you put it?!
9. A writer starts a joke about a rabbi, a priest and a third character walking into a bar and - meta jokes are so 1990s, aren't they?

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/July/Dont_Get_Me_Started.asp]
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The Wealthy Can Buy Extra Strength Shampooless Shampoo - The Lucky Bastards!

The latest response to the drought in California is shampooless shampoo. Simply open the bottle and wave it over your head three times (two times are recommended for dry scalps; four if your hair is especially greasy).

Some people who have tried it complain that shampooless shampoo is just recycled bottles of Prel on which somebody has scratched out the original label and written in a new label with magic marker, and that the bottles contain nothing but air. Manufacturer Luigi Vercotti sniffed and said, "Well, that's just nitpicking, innit?"

SOURCE: USA Whenever

[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/california/2015-06-25-prel-from-hel_x.htm]
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At Least None Of Tom Bradford's Kids Abused Any Of The Others

Actor Dick Van Patten has died at the age of 86 of complications from diabetes. He had performed on such TV series as Sanford and Son, Happy Days and The Love Boat, and in movies like Freaky Friday, Spaceballs and Soylent Green. Van Patten came from a gentler era of television entertainment when executives believed that Eight is Enough.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Republicans Argue The Boy Was A Deranged Lone Wolf
And, Evil - We Must Never Forget Unspeakable, Conveniently Unknowably Evil

Seven African Americans were killed and over a dozen wounded in South Carolina when a white man with a swastika carved into his forehead opened fire on a church parking lot with a semi-automatic rifle.

In the middle of the killing spree, the 37 year-old man stopped to state, "I am a member of several white supremacist groups and am killing blacks because I hate them and hope to start a war in which they are all killed so whites can once again rule the country. I hope this clears up any misconceptions that may linger about my actions. Thank you for your attention and understanding."

"I...I don't understand how this could have happened," said South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley. "We moved the confederate flag away from the statehouse - that should have ended the violence right there!"

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1508733800270460.xml]
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