Thank you, Ferrett Steinmetz, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the American allegations of FIFI corruption. But, you know, we have enjoyed Fifi's company for a long time, and we have never found her to act in anything less than a totally moral manner! Honestly, we don't know wha - what? FIFA, not Fifi? Did she change her name or something?
Enjoy,As Opposed To A Legitimate Cheap Shot?
A recent Conservative Party attack ad portrayed an "ordinary Canadian" sarcastically commenting that Liberal leader Justin Trudeau has "nice hair." You might think that was a gratuitous cheap shot, but it was actually based on studies that the Harper Government of Canada has funded for almost a decade.
In one study, for example, biologists determined the length and width of hair that indicated the person who sported it was in good health. Trudeau didn't even come close. Psychologists conducted several studies of which hair colour was most attractive to members of the opposite sex, potential employers or newborn babies. Again, it wasn't Trudeau's. Adding insult to injury, one musicologist determined that Trudeau's hair wasn't good enough to let him become a roadie, let alone the member of a rock band.
Why doesn't the public know more about this research? "Umm, yeah," Prime Minister Stephen Harper allowed, "I may have shot myself in the foot with the whole muzzling of government-funded researchers thing…"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1205591829213&call_pageid=962135276372&col=962066972448]
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Give With One Hand, Take Away With The Other Hand (In The Shape Of An Iron Fist)
According to President Benjamin Netanyahu, Israel faces an international campaign to smear its reputation.
"There are some in the international community - they know who they are - who are trying to blacken Israel's na - yes. Bulldoze those Arab houses. We need that land for settlements - blacken Israel's name," Netanyahu explained. "Their intention is to delegitimize our very reasonable policies to protect oursel - did what with a rock? Bomb Gaza. Bomb it, now! - very reasonable policies to protect ourselves. It has nothing to do with the government's policies!"
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1039851440706]
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You Don't Know? Fortunately, You Have Powerful People Around To Remind You Who You Are
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376533038]
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Taking The Sense Out Of Partisans
This is a magazine editor's brain:
This is a magazine editor's brain on ideology:
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=549&dir=bb]
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Or, That They Assumed That The American People Were Idiots
Now that we can all agree that the Iraq War was a bad, bad, very bad mistake, the Republicans are claiming that it wasn't their fault, that it was an intelligence failure. An intelligence failure. An. Intelligence. Failure. I suppose I can agree that the Iraq War was an intelligence failure in the sense that the people who got us into it were idiots!
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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Waking Up From A FIFA Dream
Former FIFA Vice President Jack Warner defended himself from charges of corruption by citing a newspaper article that claimed that the United States had announced that it would be hosting the 2015 Summer World Cup. How corrupt could FIFA be if the US wanted to host its soccer championship? His source for this information?
The Onion.
Umm, I hate to have to be the one to ask this, but, Mister Warner, are you on crack?! Everybody knows that The Onion has cut back it sports department in recent years; now it's running on the fumes of its old glory. Citing The Onion to support your position in the sports world would be like playing European football with an American football. Sure, it would be entertaining, but in a train wrecky kind of way!
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
[http://www.finstermaninternational/~johnny/home]
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The Letter Changes, But The Song Remains The Same
The Texas state legislature has passed a bill that people who get their medical insurance from exchanges under the Affordable Care Act must wear a Scarlett O on their chests whenever they seek medical help. The letter must be a minimum of three inches high, and the colour of the cloth must be neutral to allow the letter to be clearly visible at all times.
"This is so that medical professionals who do not believe in socialized medicine can refuse to treat patients who are enrolled in Obamacare," explained Governor Greg Abbott. "Strictly in the name of better health care for patients, of course."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015May20.html]
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That's The Start Of A Great Band Name: Biff Bafflers And The Banana Breathtakers!
Restaurant operator KFC has filed suit against three companies in China whose social media accounts allegedly spread false claims about its food. One of the claims was that KFC breeds chickens with six wings and eight legs.
"You know, I've heard all of the jokes - they've been around in the west since the eighties," said the left head of KFC spokesmutant Biff Bafflers. "They would be funny if so many potential Chinese customers didn't believe them!"
"Besides," added the right head of KFC spokesmutant Biff Bafflers, "think of how many fewer chickens we would have to slaughter to feed people if they had eight legs. It would be a lot more humane!" Bafflers' left head shook sadly and his right hand thwapped the back of his right head. "Not that we do that, of course," the right head of Bafflers hastily stated. "That's the whole point: we don't do that. Okay? We never do that."
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/timworstedofall/2015/06/01/international-game-of-chicken/]
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Unclear On The Concept Goes To War
Syrian army airstrikes on a packed market in an area held by ISIS killed at least 70 people, most of them civilians. Is this going to help President Bashar al-Assad's efforts to capture the hearts and minds of his people in order to motivate them to fight Islamic extremism?
"Absolutely," explained Syrian General Farouk al-Farsouk. "Look, lying next to that burnt out car - it's somebody's heart. They're all over the place - we just have to pick them up off the ground. As for minds, well, I do believe that there is one under all of that rubble, but, of course, we'll have to move it to be sure!"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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