The Daily Me - Ziegfeld Branche-Plante

Thank you, Ziegfeld Branche-Plante, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read a story about a three year-old who shot a one-year old when they were left unattended in a car. Most people are horrified that this happened to children so young - three! One! - but we believe they weren't young enough: the hard right might have finally been outraged by gun violence and wanted to do something about it if a two year-old had shot a fetus!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

First Rule of Military Coups: Show No Morsi

An Egyptian court has sentenced the country's first freely elected leader, deposed President Mohammed Morsi, to death for "Aiding and Abetting the Arab Spring." "Ordinarily, committing democracy would be punishable by a long prison sentence," the court ruled, "but a strong justice system must be flexible to take into account the specifics of a crime."

Western nations showed their own commitment to democracy throughout the world by switching channels to watch the season finale of The World's Biggest Fear Idol Loser Factor.

SOURCE: The Baghdad Post

[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015May16.html]
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Vegas Strippers Displeased There Wasn't More Biblical Morality: 3.69%

The opening of Mad Max: Glory Road has, to our complete and utter surprise, created some controversy (other than the one we expected over how awesome the action sequences would be). To help our readers better understand the controversies surrounding the film (and because, admittedly, it's been a slow news day), we have tabulated various approaches to the film based on comments left on out site about it.

oil company executives pissed off at the implication that their product won't last forever: 4.02%
fans of Mel Gibson distraught because they had wanted to see him in the film: 3.27%
ecological activists unhappy that the film offered no solutions: 3.17%
Icelanders miffed there weren't any Nordic scenes: < 1%
language purists who objected to the poor use of obscenity in the film < .1%
men's rights activists outraged by the film's perceived feminist agenda: < .01%
Pam Gellers who are irate the film didn't blame the dystopian future it portrays on Muslims: < .001%

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0195338/]
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Or, At Least For The Five Minutes It Will Take Me To Get A Job In The Private Sector
In Politics, Time Is A Flexible Concept

"I am sorry I let you down as your leader. I will carry those decisions and the electoral consequences of it for the rest of my life." - former Conservative Alberta Premier Jim Prentice

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Har-tay...Well, Until Your Heart Gives Out...

Wyoming has passed a law that makes it a crime for a citizen to gather data about the condition of the environment across most of the state if you plan to share that data with any level of government. Who will benefit most from this law?

"Well, I guess that would be me!" the lowly e-coli bacteria said, blushingly modestly.

"Hey, I'm just a good old boy out to have a blast of a time," e-coli explained. "I don't seek the limelight, believe me! But, Health Departments around the country are party-poopers. Wet blankets. Killjoys. Just because I make some people sick. Sometimes. Hardly ever, really. And, anyway, it's not like people die or anything! Well, not a lot, anyway. So! Kisses to the Wyoming state legislature for forcing everybody to look the other way when cattle graze near streams or rivers. Par-tay!"

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106064100229360.xml]
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Humans Are Fascinating. They Think Non-partisan And Partisan Are Opposites

Dear Friends,

In times of uncertainty, the only government that can lead us to prosperity is Conservative. In times of certainty, the only government that can help us maintain prosperity is Conservative. Liberals in Ontario? Pfft! NDP in Alberta? Seven times pfft to the power of a gadgillion! Clearly, Canadians do not know what is in their best interests.*

That is why you need to sign over your house, car and any intellectual property you may have lying around to the Conservative Party of Canada. You must give so that the Conservative Party of Canada might take.** Uhh, not that you heard that from us...

Sincerely,
Mike Harris,
Senior Fellow,
Fraser Institute

* For purposes of maintaining our tax exempt status with the Canadian Revenue Agency, we mean this in a completely non-partisan, apolitical way.

** Stressing the whole non-partisan thing, here. Right? Right.

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147cahs01.html]
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And, That's 12 People, Not Even Per Cent!

A Public Policy Polling national survey found that 57 percent of Republicans want to establish Christianity as the official national religion of the United States.

When he heard about the results of the poll, Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Hosseini Khamenei sighed. "Of course, 99 per cent of Iranians publicly claim to support the establishment of a Muslim State, but, privately, that number drops to about 12. I dream of 57 per cent support for a religious state!"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015May11.html]
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If You're Serious About Your Love Affair With Guns, You Need To Get A Room!

I have a secret tale to tell
About a life partner who keeps me safe, who keeps me well,
But who wouldn't meet with other people's approval.
On your faults the mean-spirited will dwell,
Their denunciations ring out louder than any bell,
As do their demands for my sweet love's removal.
But, oh, my dear, you're really swell;
Anybody who questions our relationship can go to hell!

All my friends with envy'll be green
When they see my sweet Glock sixteen!

Unlike the former lovers I despise,
You've never told me lies.
In fact, you have always been there for me.
Whenever you have stopped a burglar's tries
Or discouraged a man with murder in his eyes,
I know that you must really adore me.
It may be true, our love all convention defies,
But if people only knew, they would realize

You never say things you don't really mean,
My sweet sweet Glock sixteen

I know you've no use for flowers,
But has there ever been a love as pure as ours?
Love that will surely stand the test of time.
Working on my shooting powers,
I would happily while away the hours
In a protective cocoon so sublime.
While scorn upon you every sad hater showers,
My great love for you above all others towers

I adore your dark, glossy sheen,
My sweet sweet Glock sixteen.

SOURCE: Hellmark Greeting Cards

[http://www.hellmark.com/hmk/Website/Shopping/sh_eg_home.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0681389116.1099167919@@@@&BV_EngineID=hadcllcgffdibedcfchcgn.0]
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