Thank you, Esperanza Humen-Taschen, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we ordered in Chinese because we could see that it was going to be a late night at the office. Okay, we spent most of the evening playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas to a Fault (who would have thought radio could be so entertaining?) and catching up on the latest episodes of Agents of W.I.N.D.S.H.I.E.L.D. (because people with powers), but we did get some work done, too, so it's totally legitimate to write off the meal as a business expense. Seriously. We...we really did do some work. No, honestly, we did. We...we...
We can't wait for the Mike Duffy trial to be over and people to stop being hypersensitive about expense accounts. Soooooo judgmental!
Anyway, at the end of the meal, one of us got a fortune cookie that read, "Everyone has the right to choose one's own lifestyle." And, we thought, What a sad comment it is when there is more wisdom in a fortune cookie than in our entire ruling party! Fortunately, that was the moment that the Latest Greek Letter Protocol was explained on Agents of W.I.N.D.S.H.I.E.L.D., so we didn't dwell.
Enjoy,There Wasn't Even The Sound Of Crickets To Mark The American Reaction To The Event
"If Omar Khadr was released, it would hurt Canada's relationship with the United States," said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "Don't make me remind you that they're out biggest trading partner, because I will..."
"Omar who?" said a spokesperson for the US State Department.
"Not only that, but they're the most heavily armed country on the planet," the Prime Minister continued. "You wouldn't like them when they're angry!"
"Oh, him," the American spokesperson continued. "We've embarrassed ourselves enough over him. As far as we're concerned, this is an internal matter. How your country handles it will not affect our relationship in any way."
"Okay, we may disagree on such petty things as climate change and protecting key sectors of our economy in free trade agreement negotiations," Harper continued to continue. "But, it's the release of a self-confessed terrorist that will cause a deep rift between our two countries!"
The State Department spokesperson sighed. "Yeah. Whatever. You'll have to excuse me, but we've got some actual, you know, wars and stuff to deal with here!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1029598861813&call_pageid=960535274192&col=438000972154]
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Just Because You Don't Have Any Enemies Doesn't Mean That Anybody Is Out To Get You
You support America's military - you've got the bumper sticker and yellow ribbons to prove it. So, when the government announces a military training exercise (gotta keep our fighting men and women combat ready, right?) across seven southern states, including the one in which you live, how do you show your support for the troops?
You claim that they're there to get your guns and snatch people who disagree with the government off the streets to put them in internment camps, of course.
Paranoid delusion is the magpie of mental illnesses: it can take anything in its environment and weave it into a gloriously nutty nest. Government trains moving into the area? They're not just transporting things necessary for the training exercise - OH, MY GOD, THOSE TRAINS HAVE GOT CHAINS ON THE SEATS! THEY'RE HOW THE GOVERNMENT IS GONNA SPIRIT AWAY THE DECENT AMERICANS THEY GRAB IN THE "TRAINING EXCERCISE!" Wal-Mart stores have been shut in the area? OH, MY GOD! THEY WILL BE FOOD DISTRIBUTION CENTRES WHEN THE FALSE FLAG ECONOMIC CRISIS GIVES THE GOVERNMENT THE EXCUSE TO INVOKE MARTIAL LAW. OR, HOUSE THE HEADQUARTERS OF INVADING TROOPS FROM CHINA! OR...SOMETHING INVOLVING UNDERGROUND TUNNELS! THE DETAILS AREN'T IMPORTANT! THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT THEY WILL BE USED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO DO VERY, VERY BAD THINGS!
As for the dude in the Bag? That would be Republican Texas Governor Greg Abbott, pandering to the lunatic fringe of his party. Nothing new in that - the Republicans have been courting the crazy for decades. What makes Abbott eligible to become a citizen of the Bag of Crazy is the idea he seems to have that he will somehow be able to control the anarchy that he and fellow Republicans have indulged for so long - talk about delusional!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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That's Very Enlightened Of Hi - SAY WHAT?
Incoming Police Chief Mark Saunders has said that he will not oppose the appointment of white police chiefs. "If we remove the ability of the Police Services Board to choose white Chiefs," Saunders said, "all I can tell you is that will put us in a situation where there will be an increase of crime."
Mayor John Tory was confused by the pronouncement. "Saunders. Isn't he...?"
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=497262]
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Half The Backbenchers Thought They Will Be Removing The Tax On Pompoms
The Harper Government of Canada is backing a private member's bill that would remove the federal tax on tampons.
"We don't actually know what they're used for, these...tampopos?" said Conservative House Leader Peter Van Loan. "But they seem awfully important to women, so okay then."
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/05/05/509727.html]
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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawkwaaaaaaaaard
Germany's foreign intelligence service, the BND, allegedly carried out extensive surveillance at the request of the US National Security Agency. A US appeals court in New Yorn ruled that the once-secret National Security Agency programme that is systematically collecting Americans' phone records in bulk is illegal.
In 2013, [German Chancellor Angela] Merkel memorably said that "spying among friends is not acceptable."However, Justice [Gerard] Lynch wrote: "Such expansive development of government repositories of formerly private records would be an unprecedented contraction of the privacy expectations of all Americans."
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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The Advantages Of Incumbency Notwithstanding, This Is One House That Should Never Be A Home
9pm. CTV. Canada's Saddest House Videos. This week: Propaganda video of Prime Minister Stephen Harper visiting troops in Iraq and Kuwait goes terribly, terribly wrong when, contrary to established practice, faces of Canadian Armed Forces members are revealed. Hilarity (if not a single political consequence) ensues. ALSO: members of the home audience get to vote on which clip from the Mike Duffy corruption trial is the most embarrassing to the government. The revelation that Conservative Senators tampered with a supposedly "independent" report behind the back of the Liberal Senator on the committee is the early frontrunner, but so much can happen in a week!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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