Thank you, Ash Weary on Rye, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that Kraft plans on changing the formula for Macaroni & Cheese to remove artificial colours and flavours and make it more healthy and shit. Our first thought was, Oh, great! First powdered sugar, now this! Are they gonna leave us with any of the comfort foods of our youth? This is not how we imagined growing up! Catching wind of our discontent, a representative of Kraft emailed us to assure us that there wouldn't be any significant change to calories, saturated fat, sugar or sodium. We felt relieved...until our second thought, which was, Oh, great! What are we supposed to do with the 50 crates of original formula Mac & Cheese we have in our bomb shelter!
We hope our anonymous Kraft spokesperson will let us know how we should deal with that!
Enjoy,They Should Have Been Charged With Unoriginal Use Of A Hoary Old Cliche
Six Baltimore police officers have been arrested in relation to the death in custody of Freddie Grey. The officers reported that Grey broke his own spine when they left him handcuffed in a police van while they all went to get donuts. They have been charged with felony insulting the public's intelligence, felony reckless rhetorical inanity and other breaches of the criminal code of rationality.
"It's very difficult to convict police officers on these charges," stated famed attorney Mealy Mimosa. "Decades of reality television has lowered the national IQ to the point where it may no longer be possible to insult its intelligence. Still, it shows that the Baltimore PD knew that it had to do something...to stop the riots, if not to try to get justice for the dead guy."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2015May01.html]
more
Looks Like Canada Could Use A Criminal Code Of Rationality...
Parents who are angry that the new Ontario sex-ed curriculum will make their children less ignorant about their sexuality have threatened to pull them out of school for a week in protest.
"Actually," stated housewife Marlena Mammamila, "Not only will this make a statement about the new sex-ed teachings, but it will keep my child out of science class! And...and...and little Momenta won't have to attend math class, either - I've always suspected trigonometry was part of the international homosexual conspiracy to turn our children gay! This could be a real win-win situation!"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2015/03/22/509727.html]
more
Hard To Accuse Politicians Of A Hidden Agenda When It's So Open
UKIP leader Nigel Farage has pledged that, if elected the next Prime Minister of England, he will cut the BBC's budget by two thirds, forcing the public broadcaster to stop producing popular shows such as Dr. Who. What will this accomplish?
"Once nobody is watching, we can cut the final third of the Beeb's budget," Farage explained.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21813]
more
The Final Insult? His Obituary Was Written By An Employee Of A Journalism Mill In Taiwan!
Canadian nationalist economist Abraham Rothstein has died at the age of 86. The wood his casket was made out of was imported from Montana. The veneer was made in Singapore and applied in Mexico. The brass handles on his casket were made in China. The company that arranged the funeral was based in New York. Had he been alive, Rothstein would probably have written an academic paper on the subject called, "I Told You So!"
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
As Churchill Truly Said, England And The United States Are Two Countries Separated By A Common Legal System
Along with such classic schoolyard taunts as "Your mother wears army boots!" and "Yo momma so edumacated, she know the difference between 'recondite' and 'reconnoiter!'" comes a new way of insulting your seven year-old best friend: "Yo momma so cheap, she won't pay the 30 buck charge when you don't show up for her child's birthday party!"
Yeah...we don't really understand the British sometimes...
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2015-04-15-lunch-is-a-battleground_x.htm]
more
I Would Disagree, But...
It seemed like a simple enough argument: if you condemn Charlie Hebdo for producing racist cartoons, you are siding with the terrorists who shot up the magazine's offices and killed 14 people who worked there. If only we had foreseen the consequences...
Everybody now accepts every work of art without criticism. We have to, because to criticize any work of art is to condone those who would censor it, and every work of art, from Disney to Dali, has somebody, somewhere who would censor it.SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=37432641004641629687fx]
more
That...That's Next Year! I'm Going To Have To Get My Ass In Gear If I Want To Be Part Of The One Per Cent By Then!
The OED has downgraded the phrase "How the other half lives" to archaic.
"The phrase hasn't been appropriate for a decade or more," explained lexicographer Lexi Gopher. "But, it is especially ironic - or cruel, depending upon your level of political empathy - at a time when Oxfam International reports that the richest one per cent of the world's population will own half of the world's wealth by 2016. Unfortunately, although there was some support for the phrase, 'How the other one per cent lives,' just never caught on."
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
more
You Rarely Get Collateral Damage From Laser-Guided Surgical Political Rhetoric Strikes
President Obama apologized for a drone strike which killed two hostages. "Once the drones had freed the hostages, the devices were supposed to tend to their wounds, give them trauma counselling and book their passage back to their home countries," Obama explained. "Killing the hostages was not what the drones were designed for!"
"You...you're apologizing for drone deaths? Oh, please!" pleasantly snarled former Vice President Dick Cheney. "We killed whole wedding parties - including adorable little flower girls and pregnant photographers - and we never apologized! Apologizing for the deaths of innocents is...unAmerican!"
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest responded, "Oh, come on, now! Be Fair! For all you know, we could be bombing whole wedding parties with drones and the public doesn't even know about it! You just have to have a little faith in President Obama..."
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2015/ALLPOLITICS/04/26/reps.main/index.html]
more