Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Recently, I bought the most amazing phone app called Far Klempt. It allows me to order a taxi online. That's not the amazing part - I do live in the 21st century, you know. The cabs cost several dollars less than they would if I went through an official company! Because, you know, I live in the 21st century. Sure, the taxis often smell like athletes' feet, and I got the impression that the cabbies didn't always have driver's licences (although they do always seem to have gun licences), but saving money is the new Lewis Black.
Only, lately I've been reading newspaper articles that say that Far Klempt can actually determine where you go and how long you stay there. Is this true? Because, if it is, I'll want a bigger discount!
Sincerely,Yo, Brahmsy,
Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think Far Klempt's business model includes the kind of discounts it would have to pay out for the way it tracks users information.
It works like this: say you book a cab between 10pm and 4am on a Friday or Saturday night to take you within a five block radius of a no tell motel (because only a stupid moron would give the cab company the actual address of the - really? - oh, ah, I meant stupidly confident...Mormon). Then, you book another cab eleven minutes and 37 seconds later. You're busted, Romeo. (Yes, that does include waiting four minutes and 33 seconds for your lady friend to arrive and two minutes and seven seconds of cuddling time - I don't expect you're some kind of superman!)
Far Klempt has a name for these kinds of trysts: Glory Holes (the hole is in your schedule, the glory is...mostly in your imagination). They've even aggregated all of the information they collect and charted how many of their users do this over the course of a year:
Of course, that's just one example. If you order a cab between 5am and 9am to take you to a parking lot on the outskirts of the city for half an hour or less once, you may just be restless. Or, taking photos for an installation on parking lots on the outskirts of the city between 5am and 9am. It happens. If you do it more than once, you are probably meeting with a hit man. (If this is the case, don't tip the cabbie too generously - it would be a - you should pardon the expression - dead giveaway.) If you had previously taken a Glory Hole ride, it's a good bet that you're putting a contract out on your wife.
Far Klempt has a name for these fares, too: Gory Holes. They chart something like this:
The company also has charts for Dory Holes (apparently, for people who like hanging around in small boats), Satori Holes (for people looking for enlightenment), Inventory Holes (for managers who think their staff are making off with staples and scotch tape for personal use) and Memento Mori Holes (for people who look to score at cemeteries). And, these are just the ones that we know abou
[Tech Answer Guy: I'm sorry to have to do this, but I'm spiking the Far Klempt article. BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
What?! But, I was just getting to the good part! You know, about how Far Klempt clogged the phone lines of a competitor by calling it 27 times. (It wasn't a very big competitor.) Then, there were the rumours that the company was tracking the movement of journalists, and would use that information to
[TECH ANSWER GUY! You know what? I'm not sorry about having to spike your article - you just don't know when to give something a rest! And, make no mistake: when I spike an article, it's a full body spike, with all of the English that only somebody of Yugoslavian heritage can give it! When I spike an article, the writer feels it, no matter what universe they've been assigned to! BB-G]
They...they got to you, didn't they?
[Got to me? GOT TO ME? Please. I eat cab phone apps for breakfast and spit back asphalt! And, in any case, WHERE I GO ON THURSDAY AFTERNOONS BETWEEN TWO AND FIVE, WHO I GO THERE WITH AND HOW I PAY OFF THE PENGUIN WRANGLER IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS! All you need to know is that when I spike a story, it writhes in agony for a while before it goes limp, but it stays the hell spiked! Got it? BB-G]
Uhh, yeah, Breanda. You know, I just realized that I...I really wanted to write a column about Fahrenheit 452 - the temperature at which pizza burns...
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Saving a few extra bucks isn't that smart if it costs you 25 to life. But, what do I know? My gas guzzler can't be tracked by cab apps, and my GPS assures me it doesn't tell anybody where I ask it to go.
