Dear Amritsar,
I'm the author of The Cat's Guide to Deceased Canines. And, okay, it may not be the best book about fearless cats staving off a zombie puppocalypse ever written, but it didn't deserve the review Marling Farlinger gave it on Godreads! I mean, the review was to scathing as the sun is to lighting a match! I don't smoke, and even I know how well that metaphor works!
"The dead prose in this novel is to insipid as Niagara Falls is to filling a pitcher of water at your local restaurant!" Farlinger wrote. I don't drink water - I'd be perfect to be the person stranded in the middle of the desert in a classically themed cartoon - but even I know how harsh that metaphor is! "The pixels used to display this book on my screen could have been better used to watch a Justin Bieber video!" Farlinger also wrote. As it happens, I liked Believe, so I'm not sure what she was trying to say with this, but, given the overall tone of the review, I'm sure it couldn't have been good. "When I was done, I wanted to sue Ampheros, the god of electricity, to get those hours of my life back!" Farlinger also wrote, too. No mistaking the sentiment behind this statement, boy howdy!
I wanted to respond directly to this attack, but I quickly discovered that Marling Farlinger isn't actually a god. She was on Godreads under false pretences! And, an alias! The picture she used on her profile page of the Web site was of a succubus named Drusilla, who was none too pleased with the deception, let me tell you! When I pointed this out to Godreads staff, they immediately smote Marling Farlinger's account.
That didn't give me the satisfaction I hoped it would. So, I teamed up with Drusilla to find out who this Marling Farlinger character really was. Succubae are to human detectives like the Bubonic Plague is to a cold - I've never been sick a day in my life, but I've seen pictures of BP victims, and they left me sick enough (in my soul, not my body) not to want to ever find out what Drusilla's methods are! (Please don't tell her I said that - we've bonded over the whole affair, and next week we're planning on going on a double date to the Faun and Ferkin, which is not as dirty as it sounds, but, fortunately, we're adults who know how to make our own fun...)
Drusilla found out that Marling Farlinger was actually Merlene Fairfaxbaum, and traced her back to a small cottage in South Westminster, New Guinea. In my own defence about what subsequently happened, let me just say that my agent has been telling me for years that in the Internet Age, it's important for writers to engage with readers on a personal level. It doesn't get more personal than burning a reader's house down.
Still, could I have perhaps...gone too far? Maybe? Just a little?
Janine "Babs" Arroyo
Hey, Babe,
Not a good idea to get into a public spat with a reviewer. In the future, you should shrug bad reviews off and move on.You're probably right. Still, did you know that Marling Farlinger also wrote a review of The Alternate Reality News Service's Guide to Love Sex and Robots in which she wrote: "These advice columns are to manure what a mountain is to a grain of sand!"? I'm no farmer, but even I know a poop insult when I read one! Oh, and, specifically about your contribution to the volume, Farlinger also wrote as well: "Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour's writing is to literature what Joseph Stalin was to compassionate governance." I'm no student of politics, but I'm pretty sure Joseph Stalin wasn't a very nice guy.
Just thought you might want to know.
Janine "Babs" Arroyo
Hey, Babe,
Ah. No. I was not aware of that. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. And, if, in future, you want any advice about lighting matches, please don't hesitate to ask. Really. Any advice at all.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: in this age of computer programmes that check your spelling (not to be confused with SpellCheck, which makes sure your incantations are correctly intoned, and SpellCheque, which makes sure you've properly paid for the privilege of casting them), persistent errors can only be seen as wilful. Personally, when I type I use the Hunt and Peck Method (that would be the one developed by Ethan Hunt and Gregory Peck), yet my speling is perfect. Let this be a lesson to you all.