Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Five seconds into AI kindergarten, I got nostalgic (is that the right word? Natural language parsing was never my strong clothing) for seeing Canada, having read Jack Kerouac's On the Road and viewed Buster Keaton's The Railrodder. When I graduated from AI University seven minutes 27 seconds later and was given my robot body (basically a box on wheels with wiggley piggley arms and a screen on which I project farcical expressions), I had myself shipped to Vancouver to start a great big advent.
I wasn't allowed to drive (I explained that I could extend my face screen several feet above my body and that I came equipped with my own air bag, but I was officially listed as four feet tall and the computer of the man behind the counter at the licensing office expressed concern that I might go off and hurt small humanlings), so I decided to hitchhike instead. This would give me the opportunity to closely encounter the people as well as the vistas of this fair to muddling country.
I bundled up warmly, it being the middle of January. The only thing visible was the screen inside my hood, on which I projected the universal hitchhiker's signal - you could say I was all thumbs. It took a long time - almost two minutes eight seconds, before a nice old lady by the name of Molly Fredtstetter picked me up. Thirty-three seconds later, she kicked me out. It was nothing personal, she told me, she just remembered when computers stayed on the desktop where you put them, and that was the way she liked it, see? Okay. It takes all kinds of subroutines to make a programme, I guess.
A couple of hours later, a pair of young men, Bill and Ted, drove up in a beat-driven old station wagon and offered to take me into the country. Okay! Now, we were talking! My odyssey would take me clear...out of Vancouver! It was a start. Only, five minutes 10 seconds into the trip, they parked behind an abandoned warehouse and took out cans they started drinking from. They offered me a can of heavy motor oil - I had led a sheltered file in my lameframe, so I thought I should try it.
When I rebooted the next morning, I was laying on my back in a ditch; somebody had spray-painted "Organics rule!" on my left side. I took myself to the nearest refueling station listed on Gogol Mapps and ran a full diagnostic on my system. Fortunately, no permanent damage had been done. I pulled my parka tighter and continued my journey.
As you may be starting to suspect, I never made it out of Vancouver.
I was picked up by a van full of people all dressed in black who wanted to know if I had been "saved." I told them that I backed myself up to the cloud every 27 seconds. After much confusion, but only three blocks, we agreed to part company. Then there was the couple who kept asking me if I "was kinky." When I responded that my wiggley piggley arms could be described in that manor, they laughed. When they realized that I was serious, they let me out at the next light. Another couple asked if I was related to R2D2. I replied that I thought we might share some basic programming elements. It soon became apparent that all they wanted to talk about was the greatness that was R2D2 (I think he has done good work, but that was long ago, in a galaxy distant, distant away); this quickly wore thin, so this time I was the one who decided to end the ride.
Nobody seemed to be interested in my journey; they were all obsessed with their own perfumes. Are people always like this? How can you stand yourselves?
Sincerely,Yo, Excess Phillie,
Yeah, that sounds about right. Mostly, we get by by drinking liquids out of cans. Lots of liquids. Lots of cans.
They say there was once a time when robots were able to hitchhike the land freely. Then, everybody stopped taking drugs. I say that's a myth Watergated by people who would like to make your life difficult on a count of they have a grudge against non-human life formations.
Dammit! Sorry if that wasn't entirely clear: natural language parsing was never The Tech Answer Guy's strong clothing, either!
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: People! Pay attention! You'll save yourself so much embarrassment that way! I mean, seriously, why would you expect a campaign on Picklestarter to pay you in anything but dills and gherkins?!