Dear Amritsar,
My bros call me Grabby McFeely on account of I'm such a tactile guy. Asshat McJerkwad says I never met a woman I didn't wanna feel up, but there was this one time I picked up my ma's bridge partner from the home where she was incarcarated - brrrrr! So much untouchable flesh in a single unapealing package! Nooby McNaif wants me ta teach him how I do it - like it's a big ferking secret! The only rule I live by is: "never acknowlege another person's discommfort. Or, anger. Or, confusion. Or, any sort of human emoshun, really." Moral McRighteous ocasionally says I should be a little more mindfull of other people's feelings - like jetisoning the only rule I live by will somehow make me a better person!
It's a good thing we're all bros, or we might kill each other.
Anyways, a couple of weeks ago, I met this babe - Melissa. She was hotter than the son and brighter than...also the sun. I thought our first date went real well, but, on our second date, whenever I tried to touch her body, I felt a tingling in my hand and it moved away from her body without any volishun on my part. What the what?
When I asked her to explain, the chick told me that the silver pantsuit she was wearing had a built-in tractor beam that had been programed to repell any unwanted object that got to close too her: rhino horns; bottles of orange-flavoured sports drinks; tablet computers; coffee table books about coffee table books; Grecian urns; men's hands. I ended up spending the whole meal actually politely eating my food, if you can believe such a thing!
This broad was definitaly overeacting. I mean, on our first date, I couldn't have touched more than 37% of her body, give or take a lower right kwadrant of her left ass cheek - sorry, buttock - or two. That's way off my personal beast!
Whatever. Obviously, I won't be seeing that bich again. In case I encounter this phenomena in the future, though, I gotta ask: is there any way to neutralize a tractor beam pantsuit short of a photon torpedo tuxedo?
Grabby MacElmore
Hey, Babe,
You actually got a second date with this woman? Do you know how to spell desperation?Sure. D-e-s-p...uhh...a-r-a-s-h-u-n. Not that I have ever experienced said emoshunn.
That wasn't much of an answer. Can I get a second opinion?
Grabby MacElmore
Hey, Babe,
Not you, he - never mind.
You want a second opinion? Okay. In the future, don't enter any spelling bees.Uhh, I meant about my problem. Can I get a second opinion about my problem?
Grabby MacElmore
Hey, Babe,
Fine. The Tech Answer Guy says Misses The Tech Answer Guy would freeze him out of the bedroom for a month if he tried to answer your question. Sure, they often go longer without having sex, but, and if you acknowledge that he ever said this the Macho Code of Manliness requires him to break your tibia or bone of equal or greater length, he sometimes misses the cuddling. So, he's not going to take your side.
Want a third opinion? The Language Corrector Dude almost had a nervous breakdown when he read your letter. "Too...many...bad...spelling..." he muttered to himself over and over again until he had to go to a dark room and have a little lie down.
Want a fourth opinion? The Biz Whiz doesn't think there's enough money in the world economy for you to be able to afford to buy a clue. Even counting Bitcoins.
Want a fifth opinion? When I mentioned your situation to Brenda Brundtland-Govanni, she replied, "Tractor beam pantsuit? TRACTOR BEAM PANTSUIT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? NOTHING - AND, I MEAN NOTHING - BEATS SLAPPING A HANDY MAN INTO NEXT TUESDAY - THURSDAY IF THE STAFF MEETING BEFOREHAND GOES TOO LONG! Jesus begesus, something is lost - and I'm not talking about some lameass TV show with an unconvincing mystical ending, here, either! - when you let technology replace dealing directly with people!
Tactile? Oh, I'll show him tactile! Did he happen to give you his address?"
That's about as close to sympathy as you're going to get at the Alternate Reality News Service. Savour it.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: As tempting as it may be not to, your best bet is always to stick with the first opinion that is offered to you. Your ego will thank you.