Dear Amritsar,
I'm in love with the most amazing boy! Loosely speaking.
Asa Barre-Coöd doesn't look like much. Literally: his body and limbs are the width of a silver dollar pancake and he doesn't have a head so much as a ball of hair out of which two eyes protrude. Yes, the janitor at the school has mistaken him for a mop on more than one occasion. But, the man always apologizes afterwards and, anyway, Asa does like to feel helpful, so, all things considered, that hasn't ended too badly.
Asa doesn't talk much - I would say he's a typical teenage boy, but I'm not entirely certain he has a mouth. Besides, how broody can a mop with eyes be? That doesn't mean we don't communicate, though. Asa hums. His humming speaks to me of waves lapping on an alien shore, of ancient gods spinning webs of existence out of their dreams, of the unproduced fourth season of Veronica Mars. Asa's humming always hits me in a soft squishy spot in my stomach (what medical professionals refer to as "the mush gland"). When I hear him, my knees go weak. Literally. I hope he doesn't give off a soporific pheromone.
We're in love.
As I understand it, Asa was an oral test tube baby. His genes are made up of F, X and Strawberry Bubble Gum chromosomes. (His jeans are the skinniest I have ever seen! He must be a size negative seventy gabillion! I'm so jealous!) His father, a team of genetic engineers at Never Mind, U!, keep telling me that he should never have left the lab, but I think they're just being overprotective, as parents will. He gets good grades and he's only ever been in the principle's office twice (once because of the whole mop thing - It had never been so clean!). He's a great...kid may be pushing it. Scientific creation.
Did I mention that we're in love?
My friends don't want me to have anything to do with Asa. They say he looks like a praying mantis and his humming sounds like whale farts. But, they just don't understand. Sure, Janey is in love with a Swedish bocce instructor who is twice her age (three times when he's not wearing his toupee). Marnie is heavily (at least 723 pounds!) involved with a rum and Cokehead who steals people's stereo systems, then tries to ransom them back to their owners for over 11 times what they're worth. And, the less said about Juliet's little tragedy-in-the-making, the better!
So, okay, maybe my friends do understand what it means to love somebody you shouldn't. But, at least they and their loved ones are genetically compatible!
Oh, Amritsar, what should I do?
Betty Cooper
Hey, Babe,
The path of true love is never smooth, so I suppose that a detour through the genetics lab isn't likely to derail it any faster than more traditional circumstances.
Understand, though, that teenage love is almost always a phase that passes. Soon, you'll be at university, where your eye will be attracted to the jock with the latest cybernetic implants or the A student whose creative use of neural-enhancing drugs will be legendary one day. Not that I speak from experience: when I went through university, only the richest students could afford such luxuries. The rest of us had to scrounge our physical or intellectual enhancements from their castoffs. I like to think that made us stronger, although that may just be sour cherries.
But, uhh, back to your little problem. Enjoy your relationship with Asa as long as you can. The good and the bad. Soon enough, you'll be bitter and jaded from a life full of disappointment and you'll have trouble remembering what it meant to feel something so deeply.
Not that I speak from experience.Do you know why the caged bird sings?
Barbie Bristly
Hey, Babe,
If I knew the answer to your question, don't you think I would have already collected the $500,000 Angelou-Biftek Prize for Literary Conundra?
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Have you ever noticed that the people who like saying "It is what it is" are the ones who are most burning with barely concealed rage at what it is?