Ask the Tech Answer Guy About Nothing [ARNS]

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

What happens to us when we die?

Yo, Bill-Bo,

You should probably ask your mommy, daddy or social services caseworker that question. They'll be able to give you an age-appropriate answer. Or, a spanking for being impertinent. Nobody likes an ertinent imp. Either way, you won't be my problem.

Actually, I'm 37. I get my spankings from somebody other than my parents now, thank you very much.

Yo, Hilly Billy,

Oh. Ah. That would make you more middle agedertinent, wouldn't it? Well, then, it's simple enough, really: when you die, your body is returned to the cosmos (Carl Sagan will be there to greet you) while your digital consciousness is activated so that a version of you can live forever on rapidly obsolescing computer servers.

Digital consciousness? What are you talking about?

Yo, Philly Billy,

Oh, smooth, TAG. Very smooth. You know, Mrs. The Tech Answer Guy always tells me that if shooting yourself in the foot wasn't such a metaphor, I'd be lame for my next hundred lifetimes - and she hasn't been a Buddhist for at least seven incarnations that she knows of!

So, this is how it works. You stick your head in a sleek silver metallic box for several hours while images are projected onto your retinas. Puppies. Mushrooms. Jack Black. Dental drills. Outhouses. Little pink houses. Fluffy white clouds. Mushroom clouds. Unicorns. And, a baby's arm holding an apple. All the while, the sleek silver metallic box records the electrical activity in your brain. When scientists add everything you have ever written on your Farcebook page, they end up with a pretty good idea of how your mind works.

When you find yourself with an ex body, this electronic map of your brain is uploaded into a virtual environment which, for reasons not even its creators understand, is called Bedford Falls. Bedford Falls is just like your hometown…if neighbourhoods in your hometown mutated as buildings were added or deleted and a blackout meant several blocks disappeared for hours, or days at a time.

Your avatar (from the Sanskrit word meaning "girl sailor") will move jerkily, have flattened emotions and suffer from intermittent memory loss. Just like you before you've had your morning coffee, only coffee won't help. Not the slightest. Not ever.

Living in Bedford Falls is like playing in a zombie version of Get a Life with no chance of parole.

You make it sound horrible!

Yo, BP,

Well, you know what they say: Hell is other avatars.

When you upload your consciousness to the Net, is the virtual person online really you?

Yo, Tam Tam,

It depends upon what your definition of "is" is. Or, for that matter, what your definition of "really" is. Or, "you." Or, "the." Umm, so, really, when you think about it, whether or not the person online is really you depends on the meanings of all of the words in the sentence in which you ask the question. How French!

Well. That wasn't very helpful. Let me try a different approach (a Chip and Dale shot from the sand trap): you know how you can drink so much alcohol that you pass out and, when you wake up, and can't remember what happened in the previous 23 hours and 59 minutes? Uhh, right. Me, either. But, I've heard stories. There's a discontinuity. The period between when you snuff it and when your unsnuffed consciousness is uploaded to the Net - which can be anywhere from a few seconds to a couple of centuries if the company you chose to digitize your consciousness goes bankrupt and your files are lost - is exactly like that. Only different. Blame it on the discontinuity.

The you you experience as you in your life will not be the you you think you are when you are digital. Sorry.

Why do people in virtual worlds have nose hairs?

Yo, Ayn Randy,

To remind us all that god has a sense of humour.

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: It may be a sick sense of humour, but who wouldn't want to be ushered into Heaven with laughter, regardless of the cause?