Ask The Tech Answer Guy: Stranded! [ARNS]

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

I know it's a silly kid's game that will probably remind you of long road trips with your family - with all the queasiness that that entails, but I have to ask: if you were stranded on a desert island, what one e-book reader would you want to take with you?

Yo, Wendy,

Are you serious? Is that a serious question? Because, you know, I still have nightmares of Granpa The Tech Answer Guy running over that giraffe on I95. Seriously, you can't be serious!

The most recent e-book release, of course. I could be stranded for a long time, and I don't think I could live with the humiliation of being rescued with an e-book reader that was too much out of date!

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

Some important people have Twitherd accounts. President Obama. Bill Gates. Gangsta Cat. I have to wonder, though: between fretting about when his food bowl will be filled next and catching some rays on the windowsill, when does an important person have time to tweep? (Yeah, I know, my example refers mostly to Bill Gates, but the question has, I believe, general application.)

I've heard that famous people like Roberta Flack pay publicity flacks to write obscurant flak about flax seed for their Twitherd accounts. (What can I say? She's concerned about natural health...or, is she?)

This makes sense to me. Gangsta Cat tweeps things like "Yo! when'm I gonna get me some Kibbles, bitch?" and "Give it up 4 m'man Nietzsche! Stay away from the mofoin abyss!" Yet, in an interview in Fancier Cat Monthly, Gangsta cat was quoted saying things like, "Spending several hours a day on a windowsill next to Bill Gates, one has time to contemplate the ultimate pointlessness of being. But, honestly, a diamond encrusted food bowl and other toys help me cope with such feelings of despair. That, and my personal therapist, Sigmund." It's like, he's two different felines!

So, are famous people on Twitherd really who they claim to be?

Yo, Oony Oops,

I asked Bill Gates your question. He tweeped back: "Yeah. Sure. Of course I'm really Bill Gates. Why? What have you heard?"

I trust that settles the issue.

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

Walking down Baltic Avenue on my way towards Park Place, I tripped over a stray giraffe and ruptured my spleen. It wasn't a Stalin-Trotsky sized rupture, more a Lennon-McCartney level rupture. Still. It hurt. So, I did what any part-time MultiMaxiMegaMart aisle drone would do: I mortgaged my apartment and bought as many tickets as I could afford in the Health Lottery.

I hadn't had much luck with the Health Lottery in the past. When I broke my finger when I was seven, my parents bought some tickets, but they didn't win anything, so they created a splint with two popsicle sticks and some duct tape. That finger stills aches whenever I hear "Hotel California" on the radio. When my wife Cherry was pregnant with our son Charlotte (yeah, yeah - I know what you're thinking, but we named him after the North Carolina capital, not the French actress), I bought Health Lottery tickets to see if we could have her give birth in a hospital. Unfortunately, although we kept winning new tickets, we didn't win any actual medical help. So, Charlotte was born on the kitchen floor of my in-laws' house; it was no different than women giving birth on the African veldt thousands of years ago. Except for the chocolate cake. And, running water.

So, you can see why I didn't hold out much hope.

As it happens, this time I won the Health Lottery. Sort of. I won third prize in this week's Super Soaker Seven contest: a pacemaker, complete with surgical procedure to implant it into my chest and three days of hospital recovery time. Not that it will help with my condition. Actually, since prizes are non-transferable and cannot be exchanged for cash and must be claimed within 60 days, I'm not sure that it helps me in any way. Even though I'm only 32 and my heart is in good condition, I may get the pacemaker anyway, because, what the hell, it seems like a shame to let a perfectly good medical procedure go to waste.

Has getting good health care always been this much of a crap shoot?

Yo, Montezuma,

In America? Pretty much. Yeah.

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: please, people, try to ask questions that are more involved. You have no idea how much writing a multi-question article can take out of an advice columnist!