Dear Amritsar,
Is that...Sumerian? I used to know a girl from Sumer - not the brightest candle in the menorah, if you know what I mean, but friendly to passing sheepherders, and that counts for a lot these days. At least, it should. Not that I'm judging - I don't judge, actually. I know, I know, many people say they don't judge right before they say something really mean-spirited about a fellow human being's sandals. But, not me. Really. I don't.
Why would I judge? Some of my best friends are Sumerian.
But, that's got nothing to do with what I'm writing to ask about. I have been an avid user of Twitherd for the last week and a half - it's a relatively easy way to get my message out to my flock. One of the first tweeps I sent to my billion twerps was:
@signofthefish do unto others as you would have them do unto you
Pretty uncontroversial, right? However, the hostile reaction was almost immediate:
@truepatriotglove stalin would have been proud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@complete027sentences What if you want to be raped and murdered? You sick fcuk!
@numboftehbeast YOU PROLLY SUPORT OBAMACARE RDIF CHIP IMPLANTS, TOO, BEAST-LOVIN BASTARD! HEED GOOD BOOK, END TIMES COMING!
I...I'm not really sure what this last one means. I think it may have something to do with the Book of Revelations, but, to be honest with you, that reflects My Father's view of the world, not mine.
Scurrilous attacks on Web sites soon followed. A long article on litebritebart.com suggested that my brain had been eaten away by syphilis because I enjoyed the company of prostitutes. Well! It was only one prostitute and, while she was pleasant enough company, we did not enjoy sexual congress together. Uhh, by which I do not mean that we had sexual congress and hated it; rather, my point is that we did not have sexual congress at all!
Since I started tweeping, I find that I have to be clear in what I say. Very clear. Clear as a shallow stream on a cloudless day before a foolish person casts their bread upon those waters. Not that it helps.
A few hours later, The Fudge Report Web site had a lengthy article which claimed that the 40 days and 40 nights I spent wandering in the desert was actually spent in a terrorist training camp learning how to detonate car bombs outside American embassies. Really! How am I supposed to prove that I was on a lone journey to find spiritual wisdom? I was alone! That's the whole point of a lone journey to find spiritual wisdom!
Honestly, it seemed like such an innocent, non-controversial thing to tweep; I was shocked by the level of nastiness it received in response. Is this what the search for truth has come to in this world?
Jesus of Razamanaz
Hey, Babe,
Really? You're going to play the martyr marble?
Studies has shown (that would be Phil Studies, Professor Emerita of Non-Erotic Ephemera and Goat Cheese at Julian Snowden College) that the Internet acts as the collective unconscious of the human race. "But," Studies lectures, "where Jung thought it contained our collective wisdom, it actually contains our collective id. And, unfortunately, the Internet gives our collective basic, instinctual drives free rein."
Where Jung thought the collective unconscious would give us great works of art, such as Ulysses, Guernica and Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, the Internet gives us LOLcats, dirty limericks and Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. You want the wisdom of the ages? You get modern Conservativism. You want a meaningful discussion on...the...on the meaning of discussion? You get endless self-promotion.
Seriously, have you lived under a rock for the last 2,000 years and don't know how technology works?
It's not all bad. If I were You, I would capitalize on all of the attention you've been getting. Put your slogan on t-shirts, fridge magnets, edible ChristmaKwaanzUkah tree ornaments - anything you can think of. Do you have any idea how many people would kill to have the kind of attention you're getting? You make yourself a fortune!
Unless you really are a Communist, in which case, what are you complaining about?
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: If you're going to brave the endless self-promotion that passes for friendship on the Internet,, you may as well make it work for you.