Dear Amritsar,
I really love my third husband, Yangtze Rivers - I think this one’s a keeper. Oh, sure, I told everybody that I thought my first husband, Captain Colin Coldcream, was a keeper, but nobody could have foreseen the Yentl the Turtle incident of ought seven. And, yes, I thought my second husband, Barnabas Baruchstein, was a keeper (although I didn’t say it out loud - why jinx things?); how was I supposed to know about his "interest" in Barbie porn? I didn’t know porn stars’ bodies could bend into such positions, let alone dolls representing them!
Okay, I may have been a little naive.
But, no more! Yangtze says my eyes burn with the fires of a matter/anti-matter collision. I...I’m not sure if he thinks I have laser eyeballs or something, but it sounds awfully romantic in its scientific way, and sounding romantic counts for a lot in these days of diminished expectations, even if it is in a scientific way. Why, just the other night, Yangzte said that our love was a prime number. I’ve never been good at math, but his romantic intent was clear. I’m pretty sure.
Only, my love has been getting...fissionable material towards me, lately. You know - critical? A couple of weeks ago, he started complaining that I programmed our Home Gourmet Food PrinterTM to overcook his filet of sheep’s bladder. Then, just the other night, before the prime number comment, he insisted that the vacuubot was not getting into the corners, aggravating his pet ocelot Sir Percival Snotalot’s asthma.
Oh, Amritsar! I want him to be a keeper, really, I do, but Yangtze can be so demanding!
After a frosty dinner (emotionally, I mean - it had nothing to do with the fact that we were eating Inuit-Norse fusion cuisine), I read about a study - hey, do you think Yangtze’s prime number comment was his way of apologizing for the vacuubot complaint? That would have been kind of sweet - if I had recognized it in time. Silly me.
Anyway, I read about a study that suggested that long-distance relationships work better than most people think. And, I had a Eureka moment (without running down the street naked - I only do that during Mardi Gras): Yangtze and I would be emotionally closer if we were physically more distant. Yay science!
So, do you think Mars would be far enough away to make our marriage work, or should I send him to one of the outer planets?
Maryweather "Lost the" Plotnik
Hey, Babe,
I assume you are referring to the Jiang-Hancock study on face-to-face versus long-distance relationships. (Yes, I know the study sounds like a 70s tennis pro, but Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock really are people who really do research such things. The fact that they play tennis is entirely irrelevant.) If so, there are a couple of things you might want to keep in mind.
ONE: It already sounds like the distance between the two of you should be measured in parsnips (parallel lines in a snippet, the less well known but popular with "researchers of a certain age" scientific method of measuring vast distances). The study showed that communications can be strengthened by distance BUT only if they were fairly strong to begin with.
While it’s true that your husband is less likely to complain about the performance of his vacuubot at solar systemic distances, that’s only because you’re not likely to be responsible for it, and...heeeey, do I smell an ulterior motive, here?
TWO: One of the limitations of the study was that all of the long-distance relationships were between college students who had access to the latest social media technologies (Farcebook, Twitherd, Skypes!). Results would probably be different for older people not as adept at exploiting these technologies. Younger people will likely swallow pills that will create nanotech networks in their brains that will allow them to communicate telepathically with each other, which, when you think about it, will make any attempt at imposing curfews on them entirely irrelevant. Given its limitations, the study may, in fact, only apply to seven people on the planet. How that number would work for married couples is a good question (perhaps a hermaphrodite married himself?), but don’t ask me - math was never my strong suit, either (I always preferred diamonds).
THREE: Don’t be greedy: a couple is two, which is more than enough in this case.
Still, if you’re really intent on sending your husband off-planet, I would go with Mars. The outer planets can be cold this time of the millennium.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: any question that starts, "Who in their right mind would..." pretty much answers itself, doesn’t it?