What the Heck Do You Know? Wouldn't Eat That if it Were You...

1) According to Rush Limbaugh, "I'm telling you, net neutrality is the next con game they're running... You may not like Comcast and you may not like AT&T and you may not like Time Warner... You may not like them, but do you want the people who gave you Obamacare running your Internet service? Do you want them in charge of what you can get and when you can get it and how much it's gonna cost you?" Well, do you? a) I'm surprised that Limbaugh has ever even heard of the word "neutrality" although I'm not surprised that he has no idea of what it means
b) I may not like Comcast? May not like it? Let me tell you something, pal - Comcast killed my dog! Then, Comcast looked me in the eye and dared me to do something about it while its buddies Time Warner and AT&T held my arms. Not like them? I ferking hate them! I say let the federal government go all neutral on their asses and let the computer chips fall where they may!
c) the Affordable Care Act made it possible for me to get health insurance for my Percoset's Entronium - a rare and often fatal disease of the inner eyelid - for the first time in my life, so yeah, actually, I trust the government do this

 2) Who are you going to see 50 Shades of Grey with? a) my therapist; I haven't given her a good laugh since the guacamole and gerbils incident
b) my girlfriend...my wife is too prudish about such matters
c) some of the other girls at work - our boyfriends are too busy cleaning the house
d) other


 3) What is a hot diggety? a) two lukewarm fagadabouddits
b) six positively freezing gaggawoggles
c) a quaint expression people say when they put something in their mouth that has just come out of the oven
d) other


 4) What gives away the fact that you are in the wrong relationship? a) my girlfriend no longer thinks the way I use socks as ear warmers in bed is delightfully eccentric
b) my boyfriend hated the second Sex and the City movie - and he used to be so sensitive!
c) my boyfriend hasn't spoken to me in five years, has moved in with another woman and is engaged to be married...but I have a plan to keep him...

 5) How much must you love your six year-old son to abduct him off the street and stage a four hour kidnapping to teach him about stranger danger because you felt he was being too nice to people? a) as much as Indiana Jones loved snakes
b) as much as the Capulets love the Montagues
c) as much as Greg House loves...well, just about everybody, really...

 6) "Come, let us deal craftily with them, lest they increase yet more, and if maybe that when war occurs they will be added to our enemies and fight against us and go up out of the land." Who said this? Who are they? a) an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh
b) Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu
c) Elmer Fudd

i) Bugs Bunny (and, uhh, his extended family. Those rascally rabbits! They breed like...you know...)
ii) Jews
iii) Palestinians

7) Several aboriginal leaders who are listed as having provided input during the creation of the Harper Government of Canada's action plan on violence against aboriginal women say they were not, in fact, consulted. How did this happen? a) somebody from Status of Women Canada asked somebody from NWAC if she wanted to go to lunch, and that has to count as a major concession from this government
b) the aboriginal leaders were just being modest
c) oh, you know how Indians are - they get a few drinks in them, and they'll forget what happened for a whole week!
d) * GASP * - that's racist!
e) I know, right! You think the government would so blatantly misrepresent consultations with white male bankers or members of the Chamber of - oh, wait. Were you referring to the question, or to answer c)?
f) yes

 8) Target Corporation granted thousands of share units to its executives and board members a day before the company closed its Canadian stores, which caused its stock to rise. How could the optics of this been any worse? a) the board could have sacrificed a goat before the vote and drank its blood out of goblets made of solid gold
b) board members could have snorted the chalk they needed to tally the votes off the breasts of hookers during the meeting
c) they could have taken out a full page ad in The New York Times supporting Obamacare

 9) Where do the children play? a) in their rooms, preferably in the dark, alone and with no internet access
b) wherever Doctor Stephanopoly tells us it won't hurt their self-esteem
c) where I tell them to play, dammit, because it's a cruel world out there and if they don't learn how to defend themselves they'll never make it out of kindergarten alive and who the hell are you to judge? You ever seen two scorpions fighting in a salad bowl? That's right - my tough love comes wrapped in an Uzi, but raaawwwrrrr groooowwwwwl pfrt!

 10) Match the quote by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky to the politician it endorses. a) "I have known [him] for a number of years now. Hard working and dedicated, [he] is a strong Conservative. He has the passion and vision to lead Ontario."
b) "All I can say is [he] is a great leader. I happen to think he's a wonderful man, and if he believes what he's doing is right, I back him 100 per cent."
c) "One of the greatest [leaders] ever."

i) Cesar Chavez
ii) Vladimir Putin
iii) Mister Magoo

 11) Remind me again: why would anybody care about a political endorsement from a man whose only political experience amounts to not rubbing how many goals he has scored in the face of his opponents? a) no, no, you've got it all wrong: Gretzky has spent his life in Canada and has long been highly active in the country's politics!
b) it was in all the papers, so it must be important...
c) because...hockey!

 12) What does CBO stand for? a) Cobra Branding Orifice
b) Content to Break Ontario
c) Creation of Bitter Oldies
d) other


 13) How do you weigh a dinosaur? a) from the tail - if you start from the head, your results will be skewed
b) take a small piece from its side when its sleeping, weigh that, then multiply the result by how much of the dinosaur you estimate is left
c) ask its wife to peek into the bathroom when it weighs itself before going to bed

 14) Two girls who stabbed a friend 19 times are being tried in an adult court in Wisconsin, even though they were 12 years old at the time of the crime. How young do adult courts have to try children before the distinction becomes legally irrelevant? a) seven years, 8 months, one week, four days, 17 hours and 12 minutes (give or take seven years, 8 months, one week, four days, 17 hours and nine minutes)
b) that's for the Supreme Court to know and you never to find out
c) the distinction is still relevant?

 15) Who will lead the country's Art organizations? a) Arthur Black
b) Arthur Meighen
c) King Arthur

16) At what point in the torture should you deploy the following instrument to give yourself the best chance of getting the information you need?

a) after the eye chart test and before the hot oil massage (I'm a little new to this whole "torture" thing...)
b) between the Justin Bieber and the Nickelback - anybody who can survive that combination deserves to have their memory wiped and to be set free!
c) are you kidding? It looks like fun - I say use it between Tuesday and Monday!
d) the point of torture is to get information?

 17) Turkey claims that Canadian spy services have supported a Syrian man operating out of Istanbul who was working with the Islamic State. Public Safety Minister Peter Blaney refused to answer questions about this in Parliament, saying that it was a matter of "national security." How so? a) Canada is so insecure that any hint of impropriety on the part of any of its 173 spy services would send the country into a deep depression
b) yeah, yeah - this week, he's working with Islamic State, next week he'll be working with CBS, the week after that he'll be working with the International Olympic Committee! Allegiances in that part of the world are fluid - that's why we need to fight there now, while we still have some idea of who is working with whom!
c) it isn't really, but when cornered, Blaney likes to snuggle up with his national security blanket
d) other


 18) What is "insidious cleavage?" a) an all-girl punk band of the 1980s
b) the name of the Soviet operation to infiltrate British intelligence in the 1960s (aka: Operation Christine Keibler Elf)
c) Shakespeare's original name for The Taming of the Shrew

 19) Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, fighting for his life in the recent election, rejected the two-state solution to the conflict with Palestinians that he had backed for the last six years. What did he propose to replace it with? a) a poke in the eye wit a sharp stick (which would not be considered collective punishment in accord with the Geneva Conventions because it would be done to each Palestinian individually)
b) a superstate solution in 11 dimensions
c) replace it with? Really? The guy was in the middle of a fight for his political life - you can't expect him to stay on top of all of the nitpicky little details!

 20) Oh, wait - having won enough seats in the election to form a government, Netanyahu now says that he does believe in a two state solution. What was that all about? a) Netanyahu has a psychiatric condition known as Temporary Election Induced Tourette's Syndrome
b) it's just a classic he trots out when he needs the support of his base, but his music is much less tone deaf now than it used to be
c) nobody puts Bibi in a corner!