Les Pages Aux Folles: What the Heck Do You Know? Preferred the Thin White Duke, Frankly
What the Heck Do You Know? Preferred the Thin White Duke, Frankly
1) According to Hubert Lacroix, President and CEO of the CBC/Radio-Canada, "This is a transformational moment for the national public broadcaster." Really? What is it about to transform into?
a) a butterfly with wings the colour of a dead television channel
b) a new media content generator (apparently, nobody told them that new media is old hat)
c) seven buckets of rolled oats and an apology from the Queen
2) Who shot down flight MH17?
a) Colonel Mustard from the laundry room with an atomic peashooter
b) its common-law husband (the emotionally unsupportive bastard!)
c) the Vice President in Charge of Research and Development, but she hasn't fired anybody yet, so that's a good sign, anyway...
3) According to Ann Coulter, "We are a country, we have borders, and Netanyahu enforces them. Why can't we do that in America?" Anybody care to respond?
a) nope
b) I'm good, thanks
c) she's still around?
4) When you have unused pills that you no longer need, what do you do with them?
a) leave them in a place where my children are sure to find them and be tempted to try them (good luck to them getting high on my birth control!)
b) leave them in a place where my children are unlikely to find them because the little bastards need a challenge and, what the hell? - if they find them, the clever brats deserve to have some fun
c) feed them to my cat
5) What are the best smells of babyhood?
a) talcum powder, espresso coffee and not having slept for four days
b) madly adorable cooing and chicken and orange puree baby food all over your power suit
c) babies have good smells?
6) How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a) none: they're so busy writing about somebody changing a lightbulb that they never get around to doing it themselves
b) eight: one to change the lightbulb, three to recommend improvements to the way the lightbulb was changed and four to punch up the screenwriter's dialogue
c) none: they just ask a techie friend to do it for them
d) other
7) Ontario Power Generation's plan to bury nuclear waste near Lake Huron relies, in part, on technologies that haven't been invented yet. What would happen if the corporation was given the green light to build the nuclear waste dump, but the necessary technologies weren't invented?
a) the heavens would open up and it would rain jelly babies on a grateful world
b) various unnecessary technologies would be developed, so at least we would be distracted from our horrible fate
c) we won't know that for decades; by that time, it will be somebody else's problem (and, hopefully, they will have mutated bigger brains so they can solve it!)
8) What is the difference between an egoist and an egotist?
a) it's all in the wrist (my answer rhymes? I am so blissed!)
b) an egoist imagines that he's the most important being in the universe while an egotist knows he's the most important person in the universe...or, is it the other way around?
c) twenty-seven apologies
9) Does Hollywood manipulate our expectations about love?
a) yes, and thank the Jack Valente that it does! If it didn't, people would run about willy nilly loving whomever they wanted to, which would lead to planes falling out of the skies, the world economy collapsing and a sequel to The Green Hornet! Manipulate our expectations of love away, Hollywood, manipulate away!
b) MY LOVE FOR JENNIFER LAWRENCE IS PURE AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT IF SHE HADN'T BEEN PROJECTED ONTO A SCREEN THE SIZE OF MANHATTAN I WOULD NEVER EVEN HAVE KNOWN THAT SHE EXISTED! So, uhh, no. Not at all
c) What a great question - I love that you asked it! ...Does that mean that you are manipulating my expectations of love?
10) Michael S. Greve, of the American Enterprise Institute, stated: "This bastard has to be killed as a matter of political hygiene. I do not care how this is done, whether it's dismembered, whether we drive a stake through its heart, whether we tar and feather it and drive it out of town, whether we strangle it. I don't care who does it, whether it's some court some place, or the United States Congress. Any which way, any dollar spent on that goal is worth spending, any brief filed toward that end is worth filing, any speech or panel contribution toward that end is of service to the United States." What law was he talking about?
a) the one that says, maybe, you know, if it isn't too much trouble, no need to get the NRA involved, but would you please register your tank with local authorities so that when it inevitably gets stolen, at least they'll know how thieves are knocking out entire walls of banks
b) Obamacare (you know - the bill that ensures health care for the Obama family in perpetuity)
c) nobody actually knows, but after three weeks of this kind of talk, they're hoping that it's murder
11) What will you do when the correction comes?
a) congratulate Jonathan Franzen on...wait, that was The Corrections, with an s, plural, and it was italicized because it was the name of a major work of art and that's just how things are done around here, and, anyway, didn't it come out years ago?
b) cry on my broker's shoulder while he counts the money that used to be mine
c) hide under my bed and wait for the zombies to come for me
12) What is the difference between disinflation and deflation?
a) I keep telling you the answer to dis, but you just don't seem to get it - are you def?
b) I'm disinclined to say, so I decline to answer your question
c) well, now you're just playing with words, aren't you?
13) What else are words for?
a) paving city streets (country roads are paved with punctuation)
b) boiling eggs
c) you...don't really get the whole communication thing, do you?
14) How has Newsworld changed our political culture?
a) it gave us a uniquely Canadian perspective on the doors behind which important decisions were made
b) it allowed Canadians to know about the crazy mayors in their cities hours before the international community learned of them
c) it gave Canadian politicians a reason to hate all 24 hours of CBC programming a day
d) all of the above
15) Spanish retailer Inditex has withdrawn a children's shirt with blue and white stripes and a gold six-sided star on the breast that resembled a Nazi camp uniform. If the company had continued to stock the item, what would their advertising slogan have been?
a) arbeit machen gewinne
b) fashion requires sacrifice
c) We're not anti-Semitic, just culturally insensitive
16) Rob Ford had to withdraw from Toronto's Mayoral race due to a rare but treatable form of stomach cancer. This didn't keep him from running for office so much as initiate a game of musical seats. Who is now running for what?
a) Doug Ford is running for mayor. Rob Ford is running for a council seat in Ward 2. Michael Ford, who was running for the council seat in Ward 2, is now running for trustee of the Toronto School Board in Ward 1 instead.
b) Doug Ford is running scared. Rob Ford is running for his life. Michael Ford is running for the exits.
c) The coyote is running after the roadrunner. Lieutenant Philip Gerard is running after Doctor Richard Kimble. Stroheim von Anna is running after he gets off work.
17) As part of its goal to "prevent and deter terrorism worldwide," the Harper Government of Canada is planning on sending less than 100 "advisers" to Iraq. What can they hope to accomplish against an estimated 20,000 jihadists?
a) comic relief
b) remind the bloodthirsty bastards that Canada is a juicy target
c) pave the way for the next wave of Canadian troops, which will pave the way for the following wave of Canadian troops; by the time you get to the nth deployment, we'll really be ready to turn the tide of the war on terror/ism/ists in our favour!
18) Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
a) it's the third door on your left, dearie, but you might want to hold your breath as an elephant and a mongoose were in there last
b) if you can't even tell the colours of the pills, boy are you in the wrong movie!
c) that's sexist!
19) What is the best caption for the image below?
a) They had to destroy the road to save it.
b) You shoulda seen the other guy!
c) Did you know that shock absorbers were voted the number one most over-rated part of an automobile in a poll conducted by Scar and Striver magazine?
d) other
20) The Harper Government of Canada is developing a reputation for spying on groups of people as small as one. Which of the following is the least likely subject of surveillance, and why is the government undertaking it anyway?
a) a protest by Newfoundland fisherman against shrimp allocations because, you know, sushi doesn't just magically appear on your plate, pal
b) a Montreal march and vigil for missing and murdered aboriginal women held in September, 2013, because we know there's a problem, dammit, and we'll get to it just as soon as we deal with all those disgruntled Newfoundland fisherman, so don't be greedy and wait your turn!
c) whatever group you're a member of because, well, we can...
