What the Heck Do You Know? About Things That Are None of Your Business!
1) Who said, "I have a dry sense of humour. Some people don't get it."?
a) Miley Cyrus
b) Benny Hill
c) Josef Stalin
2) What is the trouble with normal?
a) it always gets wurst (that does kind of explain normal's waistline, though...)
b) it always gets between your teeth, and you're tired of wiping the blood off your gums every time you laser floss
c) it crashes on your couch, drinks all your beer and smokes all of the pot that you thought you had carefully hidden, hits you up for money even though it hasn't paid you back for the last 20 bucks it hit you up for, and makes a pass at your sister while you're in the room - let's face it: normal is a real bastard!
3) Amazon is considering "anticipatory package shipping." What, exactly is anticipatory package shipping?
a) sending you a product that you don't want, didn't order and can't pay for because a computer algorithm the company ran at head office said it should
b) PreCrime applied to the free market
c) the senior executives of the company looking forward to even larger compensation...while watching the sea roll past them on their yachts
4) What happens when fossil fuels run out?
a) you'll have to start your car like Fred Flintstone
b) people will look wistfully at all of the plastic in land fills
c) I have no idea, but hopefully they will take fossil politicians with them
5) According to Conservative Employment Minister Jason Kenney, "We need to support moms and dads who make sacrifices for their kids." What kinds of moms and dads will the proposal on income splitting benefit? What kind of sacrifices would they have to make without it?
a) moms who have to spend evenings with their children because the family cannot afford a full time, live-in nanny
b) dads who have to spend weekends with their children because they can't afford to jet them to Europe
c) those who need it the least to avoid things that most people would be delighted to afford to be able to sacrifice
6) Russia sending troops into the Crimea has been compared to a variety of different historical events. Which one is most apt?
a) the start of the Cold War between the United States and Russia
b) Germany annexing Sudetenland, the start World War II
c) the major powers sleepwalking into the start of World War I
d) Moe first poking Curly in eye, the start of the endless war between the Stooges
7) What defines an assault at work?
a) the Pay Level Differential Coefficient
b) how a court case will affect third quarter profits
c) uhh...the Criminal Code?
8) What happens to songs by one hit wonder bands that aren't their one hit?
a) they go to the Island of Lost Opportunities, where they live next door to inventions that were overtaken in the marketplace by other technologies and down the street from politicians who spent less than six months in office
b) they hit the skids, hit them pretty hard: drinking, drugs, stealing to pay for their habits, and, when they really hit rock bottom, they let themselves become muzak!
c) two words: landfill!
9) What is a "poverty pimp?"
a) a "prosperity promoter" who has gone to seed
b) somebody who gets young people hooked on squatting on abandoned lots, eating out of garbage cans and generally having no money by giving them a free taste of nothing
c) Doug Ford's delightful term for people who want to help those less fortunate, people like, you know, Jesus
10) What is the most effective search term driving traffic to your Web site?
a) "indolent zebras"
b) "street butter" and "fenced off daffodils"
c) "lipstick ascendancy" and "trenchant" not "vilification staycation"
11) Who said, "Since he's part of the one per cent and he's part of the establishment and he's one of the elites of the one per cent?" Who did he say it about?
a) Doug Ford said it of John Tory
b) John Tory said it of Rob Ford
c) Rob Ford said it of Daffy Duck
d) Daffy Duck said it about other
12) What is the oligoantigenic diet?
a) you can only eat humungous sticks of butter substitute
b) you can only eat what our single celled ancestors - okay, distant ancestors - really, really far distant ancestors - ate
c) nuts to you! - NOT!
13) How will the Harper Government of Canada's Fair Elections Act make elections fairer?
a) the provision that disallows people from identifying others at the polling station will ensure that only people who care enough about voting to bring proper documents will be allowed to vote
b) the provision that raises the cap on contributions by individuals will ensure that everybody will be able to donate to political campaigns to the best of their financial ability
c) the provision that takes the power to investigate possible infractions of the Elections Act away from Elections Canada will ensure that...umm...well, that may not make elections fairer, but the other two provisions will, so the tradeoff will be worth it...somehow...
14) Conservative MP Brad Butt said he "misspoke" when he claimed that he personally saw people picking voter identification cards from the garbage and delivering them to a party campaign office. Apparently, that was an urban legend that he had merely repeated. What had Butt originally intended to say?
a) "I saw sasquatch in a voter's booth in my Mississauga-Streetsville riding!"
b) "...and when they came out of the voter's booth, there was a metal claw hanging off the door!"
c) "I'm a political hack who is not above saying something I know is not true - what people who are not in politics call 'lying' - to serve my party's interests. Are you really surprised?"
15) Hmm...given all this, why is the Harper Government of Canada so keen to pass the Fair Elections Act?
a) it gives them something to do in those idle moments when they're not bashing Justin Trudeau for being young, famous and/or prettier than they are
b) by discouraging people from voting, they will actually increase the number of people who vote - I mean, look at how well the theory worked in economics!
c) because they can
16) What was the most popular Google search last week beginning with the phrase "How to...?"
a) ...lacerate a turducken.
b) ...emulsify fridge magnets in your spare time.
c) ...build a jet airplane in your backyard using only spare parts from broken kitchen appliances.
d) ...make a fortune off of people's gullibility by writing books telling them how to do things.
17) The 2008 meltdown of the American financial sector cost taxpayers $12.6 trillion and North Americans over eight million jobs. So, why have no CEOs responsible for it gone to jail?
a) they would, but who has the time?
b) jeez, why are you so serious? It's not like guns were involved!
c) there are no four star jails that can hold me, copper!
18) Who uses the word "aromatic" in general conversation?
a) a gun enthusiast with a very strange speech impediment
b) people who enjoy the odors of a good meal being prepared that they don't have to make any effort to smell
c) the same person who thought "spasmodic" was a good way to describe your kitchen and "extemporaneous" was the best description of your middle child
19) Why is gutting unions, letting minimum wages stagnate and moving production to low wage countries, putting local workers on the unemployment line, considered "business as usual," while pointing out that all of these measures hurt working people is "class warfare?"
a) and, your point is?
b) oh, uhh, well, that doesn't seem right to me - does that seem right to you?
c) it seems like business as usual - you got something against people making an honest living...that could have given thousands of other people an honest living?
d) oh, umm...
e) exactly
20) Finish the sentence: "He who does with the most porn..."
a) "...should have gotten a life."
b) "...should have found more productive things to do with his imagination."
c) "...must have left it to somebody in his will - any idea who the current owner might be?"
