Numb Scalia
Buying a summer home in the Bag of Crazy - did the devil make Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia do it? (Did I really go there? Sure. What the hell...)
Scalia's attitude explains his position on Bush v Gore: the devil wanted a recount in Florida to ensure that the candidate that won the popular vote (and, arguably, the Electoral College) would actually become President. Does his evil know no limits? It also explains his contribution to the Citizens United decision: the devil wanted corporate money out of the political process because...umm, because...well, you don't actually have to understand all of the reasons the devil does what he does, you just have to know evil when you see it. Fortunately, at least one member of the Supreme Court does.
Still, philosophers of Crazy have to ask: can a judge of a court in a secular state set aside his personal religious convictions in order to render unbiased judgments on the cases that come before him? Sure, when pigs fly...off a cliff.
Every Day, She Runs A 100k Maranatha In Her Head
You may wonder why the vast majority of residents in the Bag of Crazy are white males. Could the institution be...sexist? I mean, aren't cat ladies crazy? Well, sure, they are. But cat ladies are crazy in a way that will only hurt them...and 97 felines. To be a proper member of the Bag of Crazy, your insane beliefs have to leave a much wider field of damage.
Thank you, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, for reminding us that truly destructive crazy is not the sole domain of men.
As it happens, the Obama administration is only giving non-lethal, defensive and protective aid to Syrian rebels who have been vetted as not being affiliated with terrorist organizations. But, pfft, pshaw and other quaint utterances of dismissal. Those are just facts, and the Bag of Crazy is made of purest denialonium, which makes it impervious to actual reality.
And, how, exactly, does misrepresenting a political policy signal the End of Days? Oh, wait, in the Bag of Crazy, anything can signal the End of Days. War in the Middle East. Your Aunt Bertha claiming that aliens talk to her through her 1972 Royal Visit commemorative cocaine spoon. Stubbing your toe. Fortunately for those of us who live outside the Bag of Crazy, the End of Days moves along an asymptotic curve: it's always getting closer, but it will never actually arrive.
And, If They Learn Your Bullying Tactics Really Well, They May Grow Up To Be Right Wing Radio Talk Show Hosts
One of the basic properties of denialonium is that new atoms of information circling around it can be absorbed into its structure without threatening the stability of the whole. Or, in layperson's terms: one of the advantages of residency in the Bag of Crazy is that anything that challenges your belief system can be incorporated into that belief system.
This is Limbaugh's First law - it's scientific!
As an example, consider radio host Glenn "The Anti-Dr. Spock" Beck's foray into parenting advice. When the authorities knock down your door with some bogus claim of "child abuse," you can use it as a teachable moment on the need to be prepared to defend yourself. See how I did that? Of course, you should probably tone down the physical lessons when your children are visiting you in prison...
Just Because You're Paranoid Doesn't Mean Anyone's Out To Get You
That's it, WorldNetDaily correspondent Ellis Washington? That's the best you got? Because, unless you've got a time machine, ACORN can't hurt anybody - you and your friends killed it years ago. La Raza? Really? If Republicans want to capture some of the growing Latino vote instead of relying on the angry white guy vote, lumping them in with vast, incoherent, anti-American conspiracies seems a little...counter-productive, don't you think? As for youth, well, your own experience should show that the cure for youth is time.
Meanwhile, you forgot to mention Masons, drug dealers, Scrooge, aliens, the Knights Templar, people with red hair, Shriners, Mrs. Ferguson up on the third floor, the Grinch, the Simons Templar and the abominable snowman. Come on, guy! If you're gonna connect the dots, really connect the dots!
As it happens, I live in a country with fascist/socialist medicine, and I have felt the jackboots of unfreedom on my throat. Or, actually, my chest. When I was getting a triple coronary bypass. Evil fuckers! Prolonging my life and asking for nothing in return but my tax dollars!
Oh, and the whole God and the Bible being a major part of the constitution (your capitalization, not mine) thing? I was under the impression that Congress was forbidden from passing laws establishing a state religion. Could this be the "up is down and right is called wrong" that Michele Bachmann was talking about? Perhaps the two of you should duke it out some time.
Actually, I'd pay good money to see that...
