Excerpts from my best-selling scifi novel Scarlett Brushfire and the Completed Trilogy.
1. The ship was 75 squarks long, a squark being the distance between two rams about to butt heads for leadership of the herd.
2. "Don't shoot!" he cried. "The Cxanthracks Ambassador is holding a baby...carrot hostage!"
3. It was as if the alien ship wore a big neon sign that read: "Some Disassembly Required."
4. When they said, "Drains! Draaaaains!" everybody knew with certainty that the zombies had once been...plumbers.
5. "The remedy is worse than the cure!" Dr. chap in chaps advised them.
6. The alien invasion plan was going smoothly...until the tombstone flopped over. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
7. "This is real life!" Scarlett Brushfire shouted. "Not one of your tweets!"
8. But, he had to admit, that it was Studs Terkels all the way down...
9. Scarlett liked the Groatz-Clustah ambassador. He had an air of...oxygen about him.
10. IS AI IS OR IS AI AIN'T YUR BB? the computer screen asked seductively.
11. Trying to overcome the Splorg, Scarlett found Ambassador Thresh to be the empath of least resistance.
12. "How does an agrarian culture make laser pistols?" he asked. "Poor world building," she explained.
13. "I am your father...'s third cousin's uncle's aunt's fourth cousin's sist -" Captain Jack shot him. "I hate family."
14. They fit together like two peas in an escape pod.
15. Not being a Python fan, Scarlett was chagrined to find the sword of Dammit, Cleese! hanging over her head.
16. CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE: hangover. Ooooooooooowwww!
17. "There are no accidents!" shouted Scarlett, who proceeded to trip over a stray glioat.
18. Atomic Betty + atomic chili = an unpleasant time for all in the re-entry capsule.
19. Cabbages and kings meant little when you were staring down the barrel of a Pangalactic Google Blaster!
20. The formula for the theory of everything was written in indivisible ink.
21. The streaks in the sky matched the streaks in her hair, which brought out the hydrogen in her eyes.
22. Wherein the Chap in Chaps gives his Chap Stick to Chaplain Chaplin before the chapter changes...
23. To which Captain Jack could only shout: "By Copernicus' custard, I'm confused!"
24. As he plotted a course for the 27th quadrant, he mused that navigation was not for the fainthearted!
25. Harve Presnoid, Space Dentist readied his equipment - there would be chipped enamel this day!
26. No force in the universe could stop the Space Marines, except for the Lowering Lawyers of GM...
27. The flashing panel lights meant shields were down...or the coffeemaker was out of cream. A catastrophe either way!
28. The Kippleflutz invasion had to be postponed when they found that they were allergic to rain.
29. Bill's tombstone read: "This is what he got for performing science!"
30. "How did you stop the alien killing machine?" "The author is close personal friend of mine," Scarlett smirked.
31. Scarlet gave birth to Bertha on her berth on the Lilac Destroyer - and the next generation of space adventure was born!
This month, read excerpts from my soon to be bestselling mystery novel The Maltese Ferret.
1. He walked down mean streets, but he was not a mean man. He was closer to the average.
2. He went by many names, but most just knew him as The Continental Breakfast...
3. Smithsonian was filled so full of lead the EPA could have condemned him as a toxic hazard.
4. She had legs you could ski down. Not Olympic, obviously, but a solid amateur slope.
5. I couldn't help but wonder how a 35 year-old man gets diaper rash...
6. The sun set like an overripe metaphor ready to burst with dubious meaning...
7. His hat never did sit right on his head, and he was getting fedora up with it!
8. "Ruby, Pearl and Diamonda - oh, yeah, my ex-wives were gems!" I snorted.
9. He told me to put a fin on Bottleneck in the fourth, but I didn't see the point of a wet horse.
10. "I'm being blackmailed!" she cried. "Be careful what you say," I replied. "Some of my best friends are coloured!"
11. I knew she had a checkered past - she'd shown me the tournament results - but I didn't care.
12. He got inspiration from the top of a glass - he always was in a hurry!
13. My dogs were worn out by my dogged pursuit of his...pets...
14. "Don't worry about me, babe" I told her. "I eat danger for breakfast and spit out dark metaphors!" "Eww!" "I know."
15. Just as the chapter was ending, a stranger with a gun ran into the room and coolly stated, "Chandler sent me."
16. The fog rolled in like somebody who was inexperienced at making his own cigarettes...
17. All the boys in the canteen knew her as Peaches because she tended to be Clingy...
18. "Yeah, yeah, I've heard more believable stories on The Twilight Zone!" Detective Sippycuppe growled.
19. The world started spinning faster than an acrobat in the Cirque d'Oy Vey...
20. I mean, it was spinning faster than an aide to a politician who just tweeted his junk to every member of the Senate!
21. Seriously, it was spinning faster than the top in Inception! I'm talking fast!
22. "...but...Selma Fischemacher might!" "Who's Selma Fischemacher?" "I - but - you - aren't you - I mean, don't you know?"
23. She was startled by a car backfiring. "Don't worry," I assured her, "it was only a gunshot."
24. I knew the fat man was up to something fishy, and I refused to be a prawn in his evil game!
25. "Oh, Phil!" she cried. "Name's Bob," I told her. "That would have been my second guess."
26. What can I say? He strained under the crack about the gondolier's apprentice!
27. It was the oldest trick in the book - honesty - and I fell for it like a toupee in a hurricane!
28. "When a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something. Other than throw a party, I mean."
29. Wait - how did the chauffeur die? "Plot contrivance," I explained.
30. "It's the stuff dreams are made of...70% polyester, 25% cotton, 5% mystery fabric..."
31. I made a speech about honour and loyalty, but the only one left to listen was the basset hound, and he was just waiting to be fed...
