0. April is gratuitous silliness month! Be sure to kiss a porcupine to celebrate!
1. Happy Christmas!
2. And remember: chocolate covered bacon has only thirteen seventeenths the calories of bacon covered chocolate!
3. Can it really be karoake if the song is not in Japanese? Really?
4. It's a hard life living a lie? Dude, most people have a hard time living their TRUTH!
5. Hollywood's problem? The perception that old men are craggy but old women are saggy bag...gies...
6. Why isn't a religious retreat called a monkastery?
7. Bread, onions, celery, butter: it's the stuff stuffing is made of...
April is gratuitous silliness month! Be sure to play Monopoly with no pants on to celebrate!
8. You say you're attracted to men and women? Okay, I'll bi that...
9. To get over fear of public speaking, imagine audience having sex. Once nausea subsides, you'll be fine.
10. The best things in life are freak.
11. When Brody saw the size of the turkey, he said, "You're gonna need a bigger gravy boat."
12. If it weren't for split ends, I wouldn't have any ends at all. #badsign
13. History repeats itself because human greed and stupidity are constants.
14. Intergenerational diminishing expectations are the lessens of our fathers...
April is gratuitous silliness month! Be sure to write a poem about sawdust to celebrate!
15. When I think of changing my name to iRa, I lie down in a quiet room until the feeling passes...
16. Even though I'm single, I'm NOT a homeless romantic - I'm hopeless! Wait, that didn't come out right, either...
17. When religious people die and find out that there is no afterlife, won't they...not be in a position to appreciate the irony?
18. Nayman's First Law of Tweets: the importance of a tweet is inversely proportional to the number of exclamation marks it contains.
19. Sorry, necrophiliacs, but habeus corpus does not mean "have at the corpse."
20. All opinions expressed are not my own...
21. Isn't "I clearly misunderstood..." an oxymoron?
April is gratuitous silliness month! Be sure to apportion the blame to celebrate!
22. Chocolate chicken burps are more confusing than anything...
23. Nobody likes to have their ambitions mocked, but if I don't do it, the universe will...
24. Simple yet profound - god is goo! Expect something sticky to happen to you today! Retweet his gooness. #Godisgoo
25. The Oxford comma is obnoxious, and I'm not saying that just because it killed my dog!
26. "How do you like to drive?" Hathaway was asked. "Sedan," said Anne.
27. Despite the rumours, former Democratic Congressman Russ Feingold was not named after Rust-Oleum.
28. Where is Dubitably? People say they live in Dubitably, but I've never seen it on a map!
29. Transmogrify - now, there's a life-changing word you don't hear often enough!
30. I'm a fan of hummingbirds, but not necessarily in that order.
Welcome to The Importance of Variation Month!
1. It's not repetition. It's everything you ever wanted in a cough syrup.
2. It's not repetition. It's an amiable time-waster that won't force you to think.
3. It's not repetition. It's an exotic species of sea mollusk.
4. It's not repetition. It's a feature.
5. It's not repetition. It's the only thing standing between you and the screaming chaos in your head.
6. It's not repetition. It's a Fairweather friend.
7. It's not repetition. It's a pun. No, wait! What are those words that are the same backwards and forwards?
8. It's not repetition. It's the triumph of the will.
9. It's not repetition. It's a revolution in postdermal enamel abrasion!
10. It's not repetition...if it coughs up a rhino when you aren't looking.
11. It's not repetition. It's Elton John.
12. It's not repetition. It's agnostic on matters of faith.
13. It's not repetition. It's THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!
14. It's not repetition, but it's so close that most people would not notice the difference.
15. It's not repetition. It's not safe for Welk, Lawrence Welk.
16. It's not repetition. It's a four car pileup...of looooove!
17. It's not repetition until you've read about it on Facebook.
18. It's not repetition. It's the hot kiss at the end of a wet fist.
19. It's not repetition, but it will agree that it is if you agree to have a drink with it.
20. It's not repetition, and none of your fancy post-modern literary theories will make it!
21. It's not repetition. It's last year's desk calendar.
22. It's not repetition. It's a marketing opportunity gone horribly, horribly wrong.
23. It's not repetition. It's a liquid at room temperature.
24. It's not repetition. That would be cheating.
25. It's not repetition. It's a verb, a noun and an emotionally loaded date in history.
26. It's not repetition if it's wearing a see-through negligee and begs to be handcuffed to the bed.
27. It's not repetition. Okay, maybe now it's repetition.
28. It's not repetition. It's a weird concept that I seem intent on running into the ground.
29. It's not repetition. It's a value added sales tax.
30. It's not repetition. It's an open invitation to a closed set.
31. It's not repetition. It's a good thing I caught you when I did, because I might have run out of characters before I was able to tell you
