Les Pages Aux Folles: Who Are You? And, Why Are You Reading This?
Who Are You? And, Why Are You Reading This?
To better serve the readers of Les Pages aux Folles, I have developed a series of probing, bordering on offensively personally intrusive questions. Simply answer as honestly as you can; once I have tabulated your responses, I will be in a position to tailor the content of the Web site to your interests. I won't actually do it. In fact, mostly, I will laugh at your responses. However, I will be in a position to do so should circumstances force me to, and, really, what more could you ask?
1) Which of the following statements best describes you?
a) "I'm not gay or anything, but Jeremy Sisto gives me shivers up and down my spine every time I see him."
b) "I've been having these...headaches lately. It's because of the voices in my head - I try not to do what they tell me - I don't want to do what they tell me! - but they just keep getting louder and louder, like a pounding in my head that no amount of morphine can help. Don't...don't look at me like that. You expect me to believe that that's never happened to you?"
c) "I like Cheese Whiz, myself."
2) What is your response to the news that six Canadians were killed in the war in Afghanistan?
a) Canada is at war? When did this happen? Why wasn't I informed of this? I mean, the least the Prime Minister could have done was exhorted us all to go shopping!
b) Canada is at war? With Afghanistan? I thought we were helping them rebuild their infrastructure and civil society so that the Taliban wouldn't fog their minds with a drug economy. I mean, we build their infrastructure over there so we don't have to build it over here, right? Or, am I missing something...
c) it's no Vimy Ridge, but it's a start...
3) What is your favourite source of news?
a) my daily newspaper
b) IgnorantAndProudOfIt.com
c) Aunt Klara's left knee
d) Les Pages aux Folles (although I've been promising to get out more for what seems like a long, long time...)
e) other
4) How would you feel about a question that asked you how you felt about a half-full glass?
a) that the question was half-baked
b) that the asker was going off half-cocked
c) confused - is your question about a half-full glass, or about half a question about a half full glass, or...?
5) Where do you stand on the Albigensian Heresy?
a) over by the lamppost because there's more light
b) Jennifer Lopez should forget her acting career and stick to music
c) the Catholic church's repression of the Cathars of the Languedoc was unnecessarily brutal and unfortunate in that it paved the way for the Inquisition. But, that's not important, now. Jennifer Lopez should forget her music career and stick to acting
d) other
6) What is your height in squids?
a) I don't know - I never learned metric
b) I don't know - where I come from, we use screech owls to measure height
c) I don't know - the last time I tried to measure myself, I nearly drowned (we did have calamari for a week, though, so it wasn't a total loss)
7) What do you look for in a Web site?
a) a charming smile and clean underwear
b) complete narcissistic self-absorption (because incomplete narcissistic self-absorption is the worst!)
c) short videos that show humanity at its worst (which, ironically, invariably involves complete narcissistic self-absorption)
d) other
8) Say you had this...friend. He's a friend, right? And, say he had some horrible, incurable disease like...cancer. Not cancer, exactly. I mean, everybody gets cancer, right? It's been done to death. It's a cliché. But, like cancer. And, your...friend came to your house one night with a gun and asked you to shoot him. What would you do?
a) look around for the camera
b) shoot him, then look around for the camera
c) oh, cancer and other life threatening illnesses, why can't we all just get along?
9) What is your favourite pastime?
a) deleting spam from my inbox
b) tossing cats at Mormons
c) carving anatomically correct religious figures out of cheese (except for Mormons)
10) If you were a type of male prophylactic, which brand would you be, and why?
a) Trojans, because they got a raw deal from Homer
b) Sheiks, because I always wanted to live in the desert
c) Lifestyles, because I hope some day to have one
d) other
11) Which would you prefer to have: guts or glory?
a) if I had to choose...I don't know...I would say...oh...uhh...decisiveness?
b) you can't digest your food with glory
c) I'd prefer to have the antipasto, but I'm on a diet
12) On the following scale from weakest to strongest, rate your willingness to accept non-sequiturs:
13) A tentacled monster approaches! What do you do?
a) get out my Level 67 Sword of Hyperbolic Destruction and have at it!
b) run to mommy, because mommy knows how to deal with Lovecraftian nightmares
c) regret that I never learned Japanese, because that's obviously the type of horror movie I'm in
14) How do you sleep at night?
a) on my side...my left side, actually
b) curled up in a fetal position
c) with the help of heavy narcotics
d) sleep? SLEEP? Who has time to sleep? Don't you know that we live in a global economy? Close your eyes for a second, and your competitors - those bastards - in China or India will eat you alive! I'll sleep when I'm dead! If my boss lets me...
15) Hey, Canadians! How do you celebrate living in the greatest country in the world?
a) I burn a maple incense stick at my shrine to Sir John A. McDonald
b) I watch videos of the 1967 Stanley Cup playoffs with a nostalgic tear in my eye
c) we live in the greatest country in the world? Why wasn't I told of this?
d) other
16) Hey, Americans! How do you celebrate living in the greatest country in the world?
a) why, I'm going to go out right away and bomb the shit out of some pissant foreign country! Whoo hoo!
b) I prefer a quiter approach to our greatness - I think I'll destroy the economy of a developing nation just because I can...
c) every day I live is a celebration
d) other
17) Hey, Latvians! How do you celebrate living in the greatest country in the world?
a) I hit myself in the head with smelts on the Feast of St. Boris Day (okay, that may not seem like much, but it's better than those crazy Togonians, who hit themselves in the head with sardines that they don't even take out of the can!)
b) I dress up in colorful native dress and sing the songs of my ancestors for much needed tourist dollars, then I go home and watch Deal or No Deal
c) I watch videos of the 1967 International Juniors with a nostalgic tear in my eye
d) other
18) According to former National Citizens Coalition Vice President Gerry Nichols, Stephen Harper used to believe "that Canadians made their political decisions based on the issues and facts, not on how much money a candidate or party spent." Really? How do you make political decisions?
a) I spin around until I'm dizzy and pass out. While unconscious, I am visited by the ghost of the beaver who was the model for the nickel, who slaps me until I'm conscious again. Then, I've completely forgotten about making political decisions and sit down to watch Deal or No Deal...man, that Howie Mandel is a riot when he's trying to be serious, isn't he?
b) employing ignorance and prejudice, of course. How else would Harper think he was going to get my vote?
c) I simply fire up the old Skunk-o-Tron and it spits out an answer for me in seconds
19) Which Green Day song best describes you?
a) "American Idiot"
b) "Creep"
c) "Give Me Novacaine"
20) Why do you read Les Pages aux Folles?
a) the best things in life are free, but, when I can't get them, I'm willing to settle
b) it's something to do while waiting for the Girls With Eyepatches page to load
c) for the angst
