The Daily Me - Buford Quigley

Thank you, Buford Quigley, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we considered responding to the University of Buffalo School of Management study that showed that men were more self-absorbed than women - have those researchers ever seen a woman in front of a mirror? You don't need to comb over 31 years of studies of self-obsession to see that! And, anyway, our time is too valuable to waste responding to such obvious silliness - we're important people doing important things! We should be praised for the importantness of our...uhh...our importantosity?

We'll, uhh, stop writing now before we dig ourselves any deeper...

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Somewhere A Saudi Arabian Prince Cackles Gleefully

The Commutative Law of International Relations is Put to the Test

To fight the mighty Russian war machine
We armed the raggedy Mujahideen.
When they succeeded and we left Afghanistan
They morphed into the Taliban.
(You know, the folks who, to get their 77 virgins in heaven,
Were responsible for 9/11?)

To cover up our complicity in our horrific losses
We were told not to look at terrorism's root causes.
What is important in the end
Is that the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

To end the Iranian Ayatollahs' reign,
We supported Iraq's Saddam Hussein.
Long after we put an end to that production,
We waged a war to get rid of his non-existent weapons of mass destruction
Nobody mourned the loss of this particular strong-arm boss,
But the country then descended into chaos.

Today, are we fighting the Muslims or Shias?
Don't look at us! We have no idea!
Do we know what we are doing? Heaven forfend!
But we know that the enemy of my friend's enemy's enemy is a...friend?

Time passes, and we soon confront another new crisis,
For into the Iraqi power vacuum comes ISIS!
Our war against them may make you think we've been had:
It mostly benefits Iran and Syria's bloodthirsty tyrant Bashar al-Assad!
That's what we get, you might think, waging war in an area that's medieval,
But how'd we end up fighting on behalf of two thirds of the axis of evil?!

We are told we can bring peace and freedom to the region through war
(As though this has worked the dozen times we tried it before).
One thing, though that has not been sufficiently debated,
Is that the enemy of my friend's enemy's enemy's friend's friend's enemy used to be...holy crap, this can get most complicated!

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/692.html]
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Better Casting Might Also Help

The characters were thin, the dialogue was so cliched it made the audience want to tear its hair out and the conflict was so blunted and one-sided that an audience member could leave the theatre for a couple of hours and not miss any of the action.

The hearings into Bill C-51 clearly need more workshopping and a complete rewrite. As it currently stands, they wouldn't even be acceptable as dinner theatre!

SOURCE: The Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1392851090287]
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"You Forgot The Part Where The Alternate Universe Has To Be Hostile To Life," Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Helpfully Added

Congressional Republicans have rejected the deal made by the White House to limit Iran's nuclear ambitions in exchange for lifting economic sanctions on the country because it still exists.

"Iran has not fallen into a black hole and been spit out into an alternate universe," explained Speaker of the House John Boehner. "Until this condition is met, we cannot in good conscience support a deal with the country."

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Apr11.html]
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Remember: Obstetrical Information You Pick Up On The Street May Not Be Accurate!

You know, when I went in for heart surgery, I wanted it to be a magical process that not only was painless and effortless, but left me looking 50 pounds lighter and 20 years younger. Since that was only really possible in a Harry Potter novel, I was willing to settle for a surgeon who had learned everything he knew about cutting into human chests from emergencies because, well, how can anybody trust a doctor who only knows medical procedures from that there book learnin'?

And, now, thanks to North Carolina Republican state Representative Pat McElraft, there is at least one politician who agrees with me! McElraft is a vocal supporter of a law that would force UNC School of Medicine doctors to no longer perform abortions or teach medical students how to perform them, which could have the perverse effect of causing the school to lose its accreditation because the national accrediting body for medical schools kind of, you know, requires OB/GYN residents to be educated in performing abortion procedures and stuff.

Oops.

Oh, sure, it would suck to be one of the women an OB/GYN learned from. If your fetus was stillborn and carrying it to term endangered your health, I can see that you would want a doctor who had actually learned how to deal with the situation in order to kind of, you know, save your life and stuff. How selfish some people can be! You should be happy to be in a position to give your life so that some people's perverted idea of Christianity can dominate a supposedly secular country!

Or, so it would seem when you live in the Bag of Crazy.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Ah, So This Is What Economic Recovery Looks Like...

"Service jobs reach record as manufacturing hits new low" - Globe and Mail

 "Part-time workers gain 56,800 jobs through March
Full-time employment drops by 28,200, Stats Canada says" - Toronto Star

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1006034038]
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"For Inquiries About Why Vital Police Resources Are Being Moved Away From Crimes More Likely To Happen To You, Stay On The Line And An Investigator Will Appear At Your Home Shortly..."

"You have reached the offices of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. For assistance with activity related to terrorism, press zero and an operator will take your call. For all other inquiries, please contact your local police force. Your call may be monitored for security reasons, but so is everybody else's in the country, so don't take it personally. Thank you for your interest in participating in Canada's justice system. Have a nice day."

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-37941cahs01.html]
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