Thank you, narcolline tureh, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the male members of our staff read a study that showed that men were far more self-absorbed than women. Skimmed it, really. Okay, barely glanced at the title. In our defense, our hair looked like hell, and we were concerned that it might affect how our boss viewed us at the big promotion meeting...next month.
The female members of our staff rolled their eyes and sighed, "That's news?"
Enjoy,That Train Went A Long Way To Make A Point...Which Nobody In Power Would Learn
A train carrying Bakken crude oil crashed into Parliament after it derailed south of Edmonton. Seven MPs were killed (four Conservative, two Liberal and one Yak Freedom Party) along with untold numbers of nameless staffers. This was a test for the Harper Government of Canada: would they respond on the side of security or commerce?
"This was an isolated incident," stated Prime Minister Stephen Harper from the hospital room where he was being treated for superficial wounds to his ego, "which is not representative of oil transportation as a whole. I hope the opposition won't use it as an excuse to undermine the country's economic foundation."
Nobody was surprised.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/03/13/bakkentothefuture150313]
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Immediately After The Discovery, The Average Life Expectancy Jumped 33 Years
MONDAY: On this day in 1733, scientist Joseph Priestly was born. He is best known for discovering oxygen. Before that, people used to breath peanut butter.
TUESDAY: For PI Day, I ate a slice of 3.14. Just that thin one - I'm on a diet.
WEDNESDAY: I have 27,362 followers on Twitter. Only 11 ever respond to what I write, and three of them are my hamsters, Winken, Blinken and Not on Your Life! :-(
THURSDAY: A double entendre is a rude joke with an alibi.
FRIDAY: You think curiosity killed the cat? Were you aware that curiosity has pled innocence since its conviction all those years ago? Curiosity maintains that it was railroaded by corrupt cops and a hostile judge, a conservative who believed all the answers could be found in the Good Book and curiosity, therefore, was a sin. Curiosity has a new lawyer and is planning an appeal based on new DNA evidence. For good reason, malice is beginning to sweat...
SATURDAY: The Internet is amazing, isn't it? People get to write things like, "Last week, I didn't know anything about gamer ethix, and now I are one!"
SUNDAY: For World Storytelling Day, I planned to write about the family scandal involving Uncle Norbert, a revolving door and 27 cockaschnoodles. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't inspired. So, I ate a tub of Uta Hagen-Dasz and played Age of Civilizations until I passed out. That's a story, too...right?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Arad Avi stuck his head out of his hole in the middle of the desert and was scared by the shadow of Arab voters. He quickly pulled back into his comfort zone, ensuring four more years of right-wing rule.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1058291597615]
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Welcome To The End Times, Thanks To Gog, Magog And Demagogue
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Only One Person Got The Joke, But He Was The Only Audience That Mattered To Himself
It looks like justice may have finally caught up with wealthy Robert Durst, who has been convicted of murdering a woman he knew. However, his lawyer, Beltron the Cruel of the law firm of Taggem Bagguhm and Gophera-Biere, said that his client will appeal the verdict.
"The death of Susan Berman wasn't a murder," Beltron the Cruel claimed. "It was satire."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2015March19.html]
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Things Really Do Sound Better In Fake Shakespearean English
Conservative MP Larry Miller has apologized for saying that women who refuse to remove their niqab at a citizenship ceremony should "stay the hell where they came from."
"What I should have said," Miller clarified, "was: 'they shouldst remaineth the tarnation from whence they didst originate."
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2015/03/16/509727.html]
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The Students Gained Real Insight Into The Democratic Process - Or, At Least, They Will When They Stop Crying...
Friday. 8pm. Fox. Can You Legislate As Well as a Fourth Grader? New Hampshire state representatives spend almost the entire show pissing all over a student petition to make the red-tailed hawk the official state raptor. "It grasps them with its talons and then uses its razor-sharp beak to rip its victim to shreds, to basically tear it apart limb from limb," said Republican Warren Groen. "And I guess the shame about making this a state bird is: it would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood." Even host Jeff Foxworthy cringed at this clumsy attempt at injecting abortion into a debate about a state bird.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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When Fetuses Carry Guns, Will They Necessarily Be Concealed?
Emboldened by recent state laws that would allow fetuses to carry weapons in open air markets, underwater scuba adventures and frat houses, the National Rifle Association has set its sights on a new market: prisons. "You know, it may not be 'politically correct' to say so," NRA spokesweasel Narly McNasty said so, "but Death Row inmates have a right to protect themselves."
Leaders of the union representing prison guards let out a strangled, "Eep!" and quietly started to advise their members to find other lines of employment.
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2008/01/11/election/main542815.shtml]
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