Thank you, Borodin Mashie-Niblick, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we decided to bid on a vial of Winston Churchill's blood that is coming up for auction. We are torn on what to use it for. Some of us thought it would be great to mix it with ink and use it to print a comic book on England's Office of Strategic Procurement; Imagine our disappointment when we found out that that had nothing to do with theatre of operations prostitutes. Others thought the blood could be the base of a new perfume; they were disappointed that such a scent would necessarily smell of stale cigars and casual historical racism.
Maybe it's for the best. The office collection only amounted to $27.34 - probably not enough to get us even a look at a catalogue photo of the vial!
Enjoy,Yeah, Sure, But Soldiers Can Also Die If You Send Them Into The Shower - What's Your Point?
One Canadian soldier has been killed and three others wounded in a friendly fire incident in Iraq. This seemed to suggest that, when you send people into a war zone, there is a possibility that they will die; this reality has stunned Canadians.
"Whu...whu...what about the invisible shield that is supposed to protect our troops?" said Calgary wheat foamer Adrian Brewski. "Was there some sort of...malfunction or something? Can it be fixed? Without the invisible shield, our soldiers are just sitting ducks out there!"
"I thought Canadian soldiers were protected by a plus a thousand spell of impregnability," said Melissa Flutz, a dental manicurist from St. Joan's, Newfoundland. "The magicians in the Department of Defense are going to have to strengthen their spells - maybe they used the wrong ingredients? - if we are to win this war without any further casualties!"
The Harper government of Canada gave its condolences to the families of the dead and injured soldiers and assured Canadians that it would work hard to ensure that this incident was thoroughly forgotten before the next election.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/03/07/509727.html]
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Gender Confuseds Indifferent To Israeli Apartheid Didn't Know What To Think
Palestinian rights group Queers Against Israeli Apartheid has announced that after seven years it will be shutting down.
Anti-Palestinian group Straights In Favour of Israeli Apartheid (also known as the Conservative Party) rejoiced.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=199991]
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The Droids' Last Thought Was That This Was Just His Forceful Way Of Playing Through
Han Solo crashed the Millennium Falcon into a golf course near the rebel base. He was forced to ditch the spacecraft shortly after takeoff when the engines failed.
"This was a heroic act," said rebel spokesmodel Carol Alt. "Solo kept a cool head and steered the craft away from areas heavily populated by civilians. Okay, sure, he obliterated a group of droids playing the seventh hole, but, honestly? They're easy enough to replace."
Other people wondered: why does the rebel base have a golf course?
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0122227/]
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If It Didn't Start Out As A Seizure, It Certainly Became One When He Was Hustled Out Of The Room
Testimony at the Senate committee on national security and defence looking at legislation to give Canada's spy agencies more powers was temporarily halted as one of the witnesses appeared to have a seizure.
The 27th clone of Prime Minister Stephen Harper was droning on about how Muslim terrorists were hiding behind the ficus plant in your office - saying basically the same thing as the previous 26 clones of the Prime Minister had when they testified before the committee - when his eyes glazed over and he stopped talking in the middle of what the Senators assumed would be the word "promulgation." He stayed this way for several seconds, ignoring offers of a glass of water and valium.
Then, he started shouting, "This hearing is a farce! I'm not just a carbon copy of everybody else! I am an individual human being! I have my own wants, desires, needs - I deserve to be loved just like any other person! I have my own ideas! My own -" We'll never know what he has his own of, because this was the point at which he was escorted out of the committee room by security. His whereabouts are currently unknown.
The committee decided to break for lunch, after which testimony continued with the 28th clone of Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=39362641310021314874fx]
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I'm Ready To Be Controlled By Our Comedy Overlords
Just when you thought Gamergate couldn't get any stranger...
Last week, Jace Connors, who threatened to kill a female game developer last January, turned out to be Jan Rankowski, a member of a radical comedy group. Rankowski claimed that his online statements, videos, t-shirts, coffee mugs and branded Cuban cigars were all part of an elaborate satirical joke.
"Henh henh," laughed Brianna Wu, the target of a Connors/Rankowski's death threat. "Now that it has been explained, I see the humour in Connors' crashing his mother's Prius on the way to confronting me. Ha ha - that scamp!"
This week, it was revealed that Rankowski himself is just a meat puppet of an alien named Throx Blargnotten who, in violation of galactic law, made contact with the human race even though we have yet to achieve interstellar travel. "Aww, lighten up, dude," Blargnotten stated. "Threats of violence are just my people's way of saying, ‘Good morning. Did you have a successful circadian rhythm?'"
Wu scrunched up her face and responded, "Okay, now I'm scared again."
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/150226/geeklynews/01quickoutofthegamergate.htm]
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You Can Scarf It Down, But You'll Still Find It Hard To Swallow
A Quebec judge refused to hear the case of a woman who needed to get her car back from the province's automobile insurance board in order to be able to get to work because she had purple hair.
"That is not a hair colour that occurs in nature," said Judge Eliana Marengo. "You are clearly mocking this court. If you do not cover up that monstrosity, I will refuse to hear your case." When complainant Lydia Whitebread refused to don a head scarf, she was ejected from the court.
Umm...uhh...wha...wow," commented the Canadian Civil Liberties Association. "This is - just, wow."
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/03/03/noimmockingyourcourtmaam150303]
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