Thank you, Sal DeBahn, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was scheduled to speak to the American Congress despite not being invited by President Obama, which is a huge breach of protocol. Not to mention very, very tacky. Speaker of the House John Boehner has all the political smarts of a legless aardvark. And, that's probably being unfair to the anteater.
Enjoy,The Structure Has More Integrity Than The People Who Would Use Its Discovery For Political Gain...
A tunnel - or possibly a hole - make that a holey tunnel has been found steps away from the York University tennis courts that are being planned to be used for the upcoming Pan Am Games. The tunnel/hole/bunker/chamber/thingie is about two metres high and 10 metres across, and has what police are calling "structural integrity." Apparently, this means it wasn't about to collapse any time soon.
"We have no idea what this structure is for," said Toronto's Deputy Police Chief Mark Saunders. "However, given the current political climate, we suggest that citizens jump to the conclusion that it was part of a terrorist plot and PANIC PANIC PANIC!"
On his 26th PANIC, a March hare poked his head out of the hole and, chewing on the end of a carrot, asked, "What's all the hubbub, bub?" The hare was immediately taken into custody as a wascally wabbit of interest.
As the bunny was loaded into a police car, he shouted, "Boy, I must have taken a really wrong toin at Albuquoique!"
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=139782]
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His Encounter Was Obviously With The Much Feared Falklands Jaw Unhinging Sheep
Over the last couple of weeks, some people - some bad Americans - liberals, obviously, who get their kicks from tearing down conservative icons - have claimed that I have exaggerated my war experience. They say that I didn't actually find Saddam Hussein cowering in the intestines of a sheep during the Falklands War. Can you believe that? Last year, I told you that members of the NRA were being rounded up and sent to FEMA camps where their three year-old children were aborted while drug-crazed Mexicans were being welcomed into the country with a cake in the shape of an auto assembly line that read, "Please take our jobs," and nobody batted an eyelash. But, I exaggerate a little about my war heroism and that's what people want to call me on?
Come on, people! I thought I mistaught you better than that.
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2473,98027,00.html]
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And, What, Exactly, Have We Learned From This, Class?
Okay. Let me get this straight. You ordered a 15 year-old girl into a room against her will. You demanded that she remove all of her clothes while two of you watched. Then, you inspected her naked body. Can you explain to me why you aren't in jail on charges of abusing a minor?
"I'm a Quebec high school principal."
Oh. Sorry. Carry on, then.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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If His Death Becomes A Trending Topic On Twitter, It Will Not Have Been In Vain
Leonard Nimoy has died at the age of 83. He will probably be best known for annoying a bunch of Orthodox Jewish Rabbis by making public a ritual gesture that they had long performed in private. "Vy vould he do such a t'ing?" Rabbi Shmuel Schmuelson once said of Nimoy. The debate among Rabbis trying to answer this question lasted three whole days.
He was also a writer, actor, director and mensch.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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In a hearing on a state law banning the use of telemedicine to perform abortions even though medical experts insist that the procedure is safe, Idaho State Representative Vito Barbieri asked the question on everybody's mind: can the state of a woman's pregnancy be determined if she swallows a camera? Don't try to argue that you hadn't wondered the very same thing. And the answer would be yes, in the same way that examining a woman's ear would help determine if she has gout or giving her a CAT scan would tell you if she has an impacted wisdom tooth.
Medical science is pretty amazing.
Later, when it was pointed out that a woman's reproductive system was in no way connected to her digestive system, Barbieri claimed that, "I was just being rhetorical." Unfortunately, this merely showed that he was ignorant of English as well as female anatomy. But, is ignorance a sign of insanity? Let me put it this way: Barbieri is an anti-abortion crusader. That means he wants to dictate what women can do with their own bodies even though he doesn't understand how they work.
That's just nuts.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Freedom? Baguette And Tag It
SERIOUS OR SATIRE?
CLAIM: As part of its anti-terrorism efforts, the French government has released an infographic called "jihadist radicalisation: the first signs that could alert you." Among other things to watch out for, according to the government, is young people: turning away from old friends; rejecting family members; going through a complete change in taste in music, and; no longer eating foods they enjoy, such as baguettes.
SOURCE: BBC.com.
EVIDENCE: An image of the infographic - in French! - which supports the claim.
DISCUSSION: Given the rivalry between the two countries, the fact that the English BBC was willing to reproduce the infographic in its original French was evidence that they take it seriously. On the other hand, the signs that your child has been seduced by radical Islam don't sound all that different from ordinary puberty. And, deciding that you don't like baguettes is a sign of terrorism? Sounds like somebody's got a bad case of culinary chauvinism! Honestly, can the French government not tell the difference between somebody who is heading towards becoming a terrorist and somebody who has just been diagnosed as being gluten intolerant?
The more you think about the infographic, the more it sounds like somebody is pulling somebody's leg!
VERDICT: There is a 78% chance that this is a hoax.
SOURCE: Satire For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/satirefordummies/home.asp?did=502&dir=bb]
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