Thank you, Zits Barftastic, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, your parents gave you that name? We mean, of their own free will? And you haven't sued them for child abuse or mental cruelty or anything? We never thought we would say this, but you're a better man than we are, Zits Barftastic. You truly are a better man than we.
Enjoy,Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Overhear
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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In Fact, You May Be Living In One And Not Even Realize It
A new study published in the journal Science Advances claims that decade-long droughts are coming to parts of the United States. On they bright side, this should be a boon for people who love cartoons depicting people crawling through the desert.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/monologue-01-12-15]
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Don't Think Of It As A Copyright Infringement Lawsuit, Think Of It As...A Six Foot Tall Pink Bunny In A Pinstripe Suit Carrying A Case Full Of Legal Briefs
So, the journalist whose job was to tell the truth was given a six month suspension because he had lied about one of his missions, while the comedian whose lies revealed so much truth is permanently retiring? It's a strange world...
I was sorry to hear that Jon Stewart would be leaving The Daily Show. I must admit that I copped some of my best moves from him. But, I don't think of it as stealing, I think of it as rehumouring...
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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It Really Is That Simple...
Ten Things Every Writer Needs To Do To Become Successful
1. Write.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/January/The_Write_Stuff_Hahaha.asp]
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SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1076035941]
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Not If They Celebrated Prophylactic Awareness Day A Week Before Valentine's Day
Don't get me wrong - I love an unearned holiday as much as the next guy. Still, wouldn't it make more sense for Ontario to hold the Family Day holiday nine months after Valentine's Day?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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They Wanted To Get Pictures Of Themselves Enjoying "Peace Train"
Seven people were hurt, nine seriously enough to be taken to hospital, when two people at a Cat Stevens concert got into a fight over using monopods to take selfies.
"The selfish bastard knocked the phone out of my sweetie's lengthening thingie," explained itinerant glasses deconstructionist Ruthven Metropole. "So, I grabbed her thingie - the lengthening one, not the other - oh, you know what I mean! - and started to hit him over the head with it."
"I was just trying to document my concert experience when this guy came at me with a monopod," retorted Magpie Kvetcher, of no fixed occupation. "Well, I had to defend myself, didn't I? I mean, how would I have looked on Farcebook if other people got photographs of me being beaten to a pulp? It would have embarrassed me in front of my [garbled, but a forensics expert's best guess is: 37] Farcebook fiends?"
"They were both maniacs!" blurted Robin O'Hoodie as her mom put a bandage on her booboo and kissed it all better. "You know, not all publicity is good publicity - I hope you spell their names horribly, horribly wrong!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32526541314699914471fx]
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The Sun News Network has announced that it will be going off the air as of...four...three...two...now. This seemed like a good idea to review some of the conservative networks proudest moments.
1.SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/majumder-harunder-blethington1.html]
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Spare The Rod, Spoil The Chances Of Pleasing Conservative Bishops
Some people have complained about Pope Francis' praise of a father who admitted smacking his child; the Pope reasoned that the man preserved the child's dignity by not hitting him in the face. Criticism of the Holy Father in this instance is undeserved.
Leading Catholic theologians have made a study of exactly how much force a parent can use on a child before it becomes humiliating. The amount is .42 Newtons of force per square inch of affected flesh. The Vatican is planning on releasing an encyclical outlining how parents can best measure the amount of force they plan on using to discipline a child to ensure that they do not embarrass it unduly. Scuttlebutt in the Vatican kitchen is that the encyclical will include a target outline of a six year-old child so that parents can practice aiming for non-humiliating parts of its body.
According to Reverend Thomas Rosica, the procedure outlined in the encyclical on the optimum amount of force necessary to discipline a child is vital to "help someone to grow and mature."
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=543&but=allis1]
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SPOILER ALERT: They Were Killed And Replaced By Docile Robots! BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!
* * * 1/2 (out of four) The Stepford Politicians. Produced by the Prime Minister's Office. Directed by Stephen Harper. Written by committee. Starring Bob Zimmer, Dave Van Kesteren, Michelle Rempel, Jacques Gourde. They get elected and sit in Parliament just like generations of men and women who come to Ottawa have always done. But, is there something...vacant in their eyes? Something...fake about their laughter? Weren't they supposed to be representing the interests of their constituents? How can anybody tell if they are or not when all the do is smile vacantly and politely nod whenever the Prime Minister asks them to vote on something? Modern horror at its finest.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0148227/]
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