Thank you, Chris "Cut The" Cordell, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Budweiser had a brain fart. That can happen - it's a person now, and every person we have ever known has had a brain fart from time to time (except us, of course). You know what we're talking about - the Superbowl ad that suggested that real men drink Bud and craft beer drinkers should turn in their penises because they are clearly not men. Man, when we saw that, we almost spit up our pumpkin peach ale! The strange thing about the ad was that Anheuser-Busch, which owns Budweiser, has also bought a lot of craft breweries over the last few years - talk about cutting off your nose to spite your desire to smell a beverage's bouquet!
The only explanation? Brain fart. Total brain fart. Unless the corporation had overindulged in its own product. Corporations are people, now, so they can be subjected to a breathalyzer test, too...
Enjoy,I'd Trust You About As Far As I Could Throw Fox News Headquarters
PUNDIT ONE: You can trust our judgment.
PUNDIT TWO: We weigh all facts carefully before telling the public what we think about an issue.
PUNDIT THREE: We're sane, sober, upstanding citizens. Our opinions are valuable inputs to the national debate.
Really? What do you think of the case of the teenage Muslim girl who tweeted a photo of young Orthodox Jewish families sitting outside an Italian ice shop in Jackson, New Jersey with a caption reading: "perfect bombing time." This woman also re-tweeted the message: "I really wanna drive around Lakewood and run over every Jew with my car."
PUNDIT ONE: Was she taught in a Madrassah? Where did she learn to hate like that?
PUNDIT TWO: She could be a terrorist. We need to arrest her immediately and subject her to the harshest interrogation techniques we know in order to find out who she is working with and what they plan to do!
PUNDIT THREE: I'm old-fashioned: I say lock her up and throw away the key!
Throw away the key? Right. That seems sane and sob - oh, wait - sorry. I've got my Twitter accounts mixed up. It was actually a white girl who tweeted that she wanted to bomb Orthodox Jews and run Jews over with her car. The daughter of a New Jersey State Trooper also tweeted multiple photos of herself dressed as Adolph Hitler. My bad. So, what do you think now?
PUNDIT ONE: White, you say? Weeeeeeelllll, no need to ruin her life over what was obviously just a youthful indiscretion.
PUNDIT TWO: Mustn't interfere with the girl's freedom of speech.
PUNDIT THREE: She obviously comes from a good home - we should let her parents deal with this.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=818&dir=bb]
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Of Course, They're Wasting Their Money Because Everybody Knows That Ads Don't Sway Elections...
2015 marks the 50th anniversary of the passage of The Voting Rights Act. To celebrate, the Koch brothers are reportedly planning on spending $889 Million in the next federal election to make sure that theirs is the only vote that matters.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Shook His Fist And Shouted, "You Kids Get Off My Netflix!"
Star Wars creator George Lucas complained about the quality of today's films, saying at Sundance that they were becoming "more and more circus without any substance behind it." The George Lucas who ushered in the era of big budget monstrosities and mondo merch marketing? That's a quote from that George Lucas? Really?
The Absurd Ironyometer resolved to only watch HBO original series from now on.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Left Unwashed, The Invisible Hand Of The Market May Be The Worst Disease Vector Of Them All!
At a time when Ebola, antibiotic-resistant superbugs and the measles are in the news, it takes a brave politician to come out in favour of making the nation's restaurants disease vectors. Brave, or delusional. It can be a fine line, sometimes, but that's okay: the Bag of Crazy likes to make the tough calls.
Thomas "Thom" Tillis, the junior Senator from North Carolina, is just that man.
Are the pennies saved when restaurant workers don't wash their hands really worth the millions of dollars it will take to save the country from a disease pandemic? Okay, wrong question: the restaurants won't have to pay for the rampant illnesses to which they contribute, so their answer is likely to come across as a little anti-social. Just a tad. However, restaurants may not get as much business when large swaths of the population are told by their medical practitioner to stay home for a couple of weeks...or when they die... Insisting that your staff wash their hands after they go to the bathroom doesn't seem so cost inefficient now, does it?
What makes this truly Bag of Crazy-worthy is Tillis' insistence that the invisible hand of the market is the best way of dealing with a public health problem. Seeing invisible hands is worth at least a bungalow in the BoC. Beyond that, thinking that the threat of bankruptcy will be effective in an economic climate where all restaurants are motivated to cut costs in the same manner is just the kind of delusion the BoC was meant to accommodate.
When Tillis moves permanently into the Bag of Crazy, just hope that he doesn't buy a McDonald's franchise...
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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He Baird His Soul (But Better His Soul Than His Bottom)
INTERVIEWER: John Baird - you've been in politics for 20 years. You are a senior member of Stephen Harper's government, one of his most trusted lieutenants. Why are you leaving politics?
JOHN BAIRD: I thought it was time.
INTERVIEWER: Were goats involved in your decision in any way?
BAIRD: What? No! Why would you think that?
INTERVIEWER: This decision came out of the blue on the eve of an important election. Usually, this is a sign that a politician has done something that will embarrass his party when it is made public, and he falls on his sword to minimize the damage. Naturally, goats were the first thing I thought of...
BAIRD: No, no, no. Look: I'm only 45. If I retire from politics now, I will be able to establish a good career in the private sector. If I stayed for another term or two, it might be too late for that.
INTERVIEWER: Are you sure that goats were in no way involved in your decision?
BAIRD: You've got issues, man. Serious, serious issues.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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