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Thank you, Adeline Lumerian, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, somebody brought a box of Oreo cookies into the office, and we couldn't help but take one. Weird...it tasted a little of rum. We didn't trust our first impression, so we tried another one. Hmm...definitely rum. We kinda liked it. So, licking our lips, we had another one. Then we scarfed another one, jusht because we shkipped lunch, and we were kinda hungry and kinda thirshty both at the shame time and - oh, my! - before we knew it, the little pink hamburgersh were dancing in front of our eyesh and shomebody yelled what did we think we were doing? They had shcooped the filling out of the cookiesh and mixed Oreo mix with 120 proof and put the cookiesh back together and - hey! - you don't look sho hot - are you okay? And, we shighed and shaid we'd be ready for the resht of the day ash shoon ash we had a little lie down...
When we woke up, it was dark, our heads throbbed and we had an unaccountable craving for a glass of milk.
Enjoy,We Don't Have A Revenue Problem, We Have A Truth Problem
Plummeting oil prices may create a shortfall of $7.8 billion in this year's federal budget. However, Finance Joe Oliver insists, "We will not be cutting expenditures."
Of course, the Harper Government of Canada always keeps its commitments. Like its commitment to compensate victims of Thalidomide.
"Exactly," Oliver agreed. "It will be just like that."
Except, of course, that the government recently announced that it will be delaying paying Thalidomide victims.
"Oh!" Oliver loudly ohed. "Sorry. It will be nothing like that."
So, it will be more like the government's commitment to send military advisors to Iraq with the guarantee that they will not be engaged in actual combat.
"Yeeeessss..." Oliver said, sensing a trap. "It...could be like that..."
But, of course, Canadian troops have engaged in combat. When asked about this, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, "If Canadian soldiers have the opportunity to kill evil terrorist scumbags, they will kill evil terrorist scumbags. It's kind of what they were trained to do, and we should all be proud of that and not be so concerned about what their mission originally was, okay?"
"I see what you're doing, here," Oliver wearily stated. "And, I'm not going to -"
So, the promise to not cut expenditures will be like
"No!" Oliver interrupted. "It will not be like...whatever you were going to write. This government's commitment to not cut expenditures means we will not be cutting expenditures. Period. Full stop. Move on to the next sentence!"
I believe you.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Lest We...Something...
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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You Talk Like Words Actually Mean Asparagus
QUESTION: If weapons that are supposed to be "prohibited" are actually sold by Canadian companies to countries like Israel and Kuwait, what is the point of calling them prohibited?
ANSWER: Anti-semite!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=817&dir=bb]
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An Alabama high school history club's request for a trip to the movie theatre to see the film Selma has been denied. "History...history is such a disputed subject," said DeKalb County school superintendent Hugh Taylor. "I would hate for the children's minds to be exposed to ideas that I do not happen to agree with. In fact, I myself have avoided seeing the film for that very reason!"
He recommended that the class go to the film Sniper instead.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A59772-2015Jan21.html]
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Wholly Metaphysics, Batman! It Must Be An Election Year!
The Harper Government of Canada is set to pass a new law that would require people convicted of heinous murders to spend life plus 25 years in jail. Nobody knows whether this means that they will keep corpses of convicts in prison for two and a half decades after they have died, or whether the Conservatives believe that there is a way to keep souls imprisoned after the body that housed them has died.
"Whoa!" exclaimed opposition leader Thomas Mulcair. "This takes pandering to your base to a whole new - wholly metaphysical level!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20150107.eladvote0107_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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Ali Blah Blah
The Chinese government has accused Web site Alibaba of being a hub of illegal activity because some people offer counterfeit goods on it. The Chinese government. That was not a typo.
The Absurd Ironyometer was so surprised that it spit coffee all over its knockoff Georgio Armani suit [Made in China]. The Absurd Ironyometer checked its fake Rolex [Made in China] to see if it would have time to watch the pirated DVD of Star Wars: The Force Awakens [Made in China], and decided that it had just enough time to hop into its ersatz Lexus [Made in China] to pick up its children [Made in China - don't ask] from school.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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The Premier Of A Darren Aronofsky Film?
QUESTION: What is a black swan event?
ANSWER: It used to be a once-in-a-lifetime, completely unexpected occurrence. Now, it seems to be something that was a bit unexpected, but, honestly, if you were paying attention you would have seen it coming, so any consequences of the damn thing are your own damn fault!
QUESTION: How will we define a black swan event in the future?
ANSWER: Tuesday.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=555&dir=bb]
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Of Course, That Thing In His Eye Could Just Have Been The First Sign Of Dementia
In an unprecedented rebuke to President Obama over his Middle East policy, John Boehner invited Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak to Congress. "Hee hee," Boehner said of the invitation, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
The joke may be on the Speaker, though. In his speech, Netanyahu announced that he would allow the building of Jewish settlements in the back five rows of the House of Representatives. "This is in line with biblical prophesies about a greater Israel," Netanyahu explained. "The first settlers will be moving in next week - I trust you will find some place for your people to go..."
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1598026597485]
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