Thank you, Alyce Junison, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we realized that you don't have to fool all of the people all of the time: you only have to fool 50 per cent of the people plus one. But, it gets worse. Since only 60 per cent of people vote, you only have to fool 50 per cent of 60 per cent of the people plus one. But, it gets even worse. Since roughly 40 per cent of the population favours one party or the other, you actually only have to fool 20 per cent of the 60 per cent of the population that votes, plus one. And, you don't even have to do it all of the time, just once every four years.
The numbers don't lie. We're doomed.
Enjoy,The Average Person Shrugs And Says, "Hey! It's No Ice Cream Out Of My Cone..."
Despite the recession and public outrage over the increasing gap between the incomes of the wealthy and everybody else, the average of the top 100 Canadian CEOs was 195 times more ice cream in 2014 than the average Canadian. If the average Canadian earned a single scoop of ice cream, on average the top 100 CEOs in the country earned enough ice cream to fill a large bathtub. This is a huge advance from the 1990s, when the ice cream gap was a mere single scoop:large sink.
"When the poor get poorer, the whole economy suffers," stated a report by the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives called "The Scoop on Income Differentials." "We all want to make enough ice cream to be able to feed our families, but when the wealthy make the vast majority of it, well, life is not so sweet for the rest of us."
Weren't new rules companies put in place to curb CEO salaries supposed to blunt gaps like this? "Well, sure," the report went on to say, "but there's a gourmet flavour club-by atmosphere on corporate boards, where everybody seems to live by the 'I'll scoop from your bowl if you scoop from mine' philosophy. To say it is incestuous would be to do a disservice to royal bloodlines!"
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=553&dir=bb]
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Next: Seven Top Reasons Humour Writers Go Meta All Year Round
Top Six Reasons Newspapers Run Lists At The End Of The Year
1. Writers don't want to write serious news articles.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/January/Limits_Of_Journalism.asp]
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You Can Get By In Ecuador On A Handshake And A Smile
The United States has offered a solution to a dispute over the building of a terminal for an Alaskan ferry service. The Americans were insisting on applying Buy America rules to the project because they were supplying most of the funds for it even though it would be built on Canadian soil. The Americans are now suggesting that they use supplies from Hong Kong and labour from Ecuador to build the terminal.
"HOW IS THAT A SOLUTION?" exclaimed Canada's Ambassador to the United States Gary Doer.
"Tsk tsk," tsk tsked Alaska Governor Bill Walker. "There's an old saying in diplomatic circles: 'He who uses all caps first loses.' I'll start drawing up the contracts with Hong Kong right away."
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddbbd7-f6f3-4g4g-9f25-a2eb4cc6a337]
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State, Your Business?
1. And, of course, when I say "we," I mean "you" (anybody who is not me or one of my wealthy kleptocratic friends).
2. We're part of nature, so everything we can conceive of is natural, right? Am I right?
3. Even if that means defeating the natural aspiration of other nations to preserve themselves - some people just have no sense of the bigger picture.
4. Don't call us barbaric - we were denying that we tortured people decades before the United States did! Humph - copycats!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=814&dir=bb]
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Going To Hell In A Cadillac Escalade
Remember when you had to take out a bank loan to be able to afford buying the gas you needed to drive to work? Of course you don't! That's sooooooo last week! (Literally.) Gas is so cheap right now that people are buying more pickup trucks, minivans and luxury sports utility vehicles than they have in years!
What will they do when OPEC gets its shit together and the cost of oil goes up faster than a midway test your strength machine hit by a circus strongman? Easy - what's one more debt when your best financial move is to torch all of your possessions for the insurance?
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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It Was A "Lord Have Mercy!" Killing
An Idaho woman was shot and killed in a Walmart by her two year-old son, who had taken a concealed gun out of her purse while she was trying to decide which brand of canned peas to buy. The National Rifle Association has argued that it was the woman's own fault for not enrolling her son in a pre-birth firearms safety course.
"We can project sound and images directly into the womb," said NRA spokesjackass Weasel McLoonie. "Mostly, this has been used to soothe unborn babies. But, you know, they're going to emerge into a violent world, and they should be prepared to defend themselves with firearms without accidentally killing their loved ones!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2014-12-25-guns-guns-guns_x.htm]
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"Let My Film Show!" Responds Studio
20th Century Fox has expressed disappointment that it hasn't received more support (read: ticket sales) for its film Exodus: Gods and Kings because it was banned in Egypt because it "gives a Zionist view of history and contains historical inaccuracies."
"The release of The Interview was attacked by a small country nobody cares about," commented a Fox representative who refused to comment, "and it became a huge hit when it launched online. We were banned by a major American ally in the Middle East, and we still haven't made back our costs. How is that fair?"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2014/2014/12/23/massexodusfromthetheatres/]
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