Thank you, Erect Pandemonium, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the activist in Florida who was arrested and could face jail time for feeding the homeless in a park. It occurred to us that this conflict could be easily resolved: he should say that he's feeding the pigeons, instead. Feeding them quarter chickens with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy, a hardy meal for the little winged creatures, to be sure, but not entirely unbelievable. After all, pigeons need a hardy meal to be able to properly poop on private cars and public monuments. And, today's pigeons are sophisticated enough to know how to open those plastic containers and not eat the disposable cutlery (they discuss that information on Facebook...
Enjoy,But, Who Protects Them From You?
According to a study by the federal Justice Department, the number of aboriginal women sent to jail rose by 97 per cent between 2002 and 2012. This made them the fastest growing segment of Canada's prison population.
"Well, there you go," crowed Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "Who says this government doesn't have a plan for protecting aboriginal women?"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2014/12/02/503717.html]
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It Was Only His Left Hand, So He Can Still Effectively Host Cosmos
By a vote of 229-191, the House has passed a GOP-sponsored bill to ensure that a more "imbalanced panel of experts" will advise the Environmental Protection Agency.
"For too long, the EPA has been advised by smart people," Utah Republican Representative Chris Stewart explained. "Given the way we've dumbed down the school system, this has meant that the average person is no longer eligible to give environmental advice to government agencies. That doesn't seem right.
"It's a matter of fairness, really."
Neil deGrasse Tyson had to bite down hard on his hand to keep his head from exploding.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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"What'll It Cost To Make This Headline Make Us Look Good?" CFO Petulantly Asks
A study of corporate international bribery conducted over 15 years discovered a lack of public transparency around influence cases. No surprise, there: when was the last time you heard about a corporate bribery case? More surprisingly, the study found that in most cases, upper management knew exactly what was going on.
"That's not the narrative we agreed upon!" groused MultiNatCorp CFO Gennady Smilovitch-Kendrick. "Aww, screw it - how much would it cost to make this study go away?"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=20ddccd7-f7f3-4f4f-9f88-a3eb6cc6a528]
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SCENE: atrium of CBC headquarters.
CBC REPORTER: Allegations of harassment and abuse against Jian Ghomeshi started surfacing six months ago. What did you do about the problem then?
CBC EXECUTIVE: We opened an investigation.
CBC REPORTER: And, what did your investigation conclude?
CBC EXECUTIVE: We, uhh...we opened an investigation.
CBC REPORTER: Has your investigation been completed?
CBC EXECUTIVE: We opened a...uhh, an investigation. You know. An investigation. Was opened. By us.
CBC REPORTER: Umm, okay. Let's assume your investigation hasn't been completed, yet. Who did you talk to as part of your investigation?
CBC EXECUTIVE: Talk to?
CBC REPORTER: Yeah. You know. Interview? Question? Talk to.
CBC EXECUTIVE: Uhh, we...we opened an investigation.
CBC REPORTER: Have you talked to anybody?
CBC EXECUTIVE: We opened a, you know, an investigation.
CBC REPORTER: What have you actually done as part of your investigation?
CBC EXECUTIVE: We opened it!
CBC Reporter sighs heavily.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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You Certainly Spend Enough Money On THEM
Even as it was touting its support of the troops, Veterans Affairs Canada returned $1.3 billion in unspent funds to the treasury since the Harper Government of Canada took power in 2006. Meanwhile, not a single penny of the $200 million the federal government pledged in 2013 to help Ontario manufacturing has been spent. What gives?
"We've been busy," said Finance Minister Joe Oliver. "I mean, you don't really think ad campaigns touting how much money we're spending on good works plan themselves, do you?"
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=282476074-3/]
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It's Not Like He Needs The 78 MPs He Has From The Province...
Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated that he has not been avoiding Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne, and any claims that he was were an attempt to sow conflict, which - tsk tsk, so naughty - she shouldn't do.
Then, he went to a meeting with the Australian Minister of Mascara Regulation and Nose Hair Trimming.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/11/28/typicalwynnelosesituation141128]
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A Spectre Stalks The Land Of Hollywood - The Spectre Of A Monster Hit!
The next film in the James Bond franchise will be called Spectre, which has raised the hopes of fans that iconic villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld will appear. Everybody connected with the movie has denied it, but an early look at the budget shows that a substantial amount of money will be paid to a "cat wrangler."
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0100010/]
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Five Years Ago Was The High Point In Our Diplomacy
The position of the United States on the Middle East isn't that hard to understand.
The people we were fighting a year ago are now our allies. The people we were allied with two years ago are now our enemies. The people we were fighting three years ago have splintered into two groups: we're still fighting one of the groups, but we're supplying arms to the other. The people we were allied with four years ago are now neutral towards us, but they are reselling the arms we sold to them to people we were allied with two years ago who are now our enemies. Five years ago, we took a break from the whole mess and let them fight things out themselves. Six years ago, the people we were fighting a year ago who are now our allies were our allies. Seven years ago...
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1123849800947460.xml]
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In Any Case, It's Not Like Anybody Other Than A Handful Of Eastern Intellectuals Cares About What Happens To Those People
Alberta Premier Jim Prentice has put on hold a controversial bill that would have allowed Jewish students to form support groups, but only if schools approved them.
Prentice said the bill has added to rather than resolved divisions on the issue and more consultations are needed. "I'm not pleased about this. This is the right thing to do - I know that to my core."
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2014/11/29/509712.html]
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