Thank you, Prashanti McDuff, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, an Intern caught a squirrel hanging upside down on an umbrella in our roof garden, chewing holes in the fabric. Had the Intern taken photos? She hadn't. "Really?" we indignantly demanded when we heard that. "Don't you have any conception of what Facebook is for?!"
Enjoy,But, For How Long? For. How. Long?
Canadians are almost evenly divided over the merits of developing Alberta's oil sands, nee tar sands, but, in a worrying trend, their opinions are becoming more negative. Thirty-five per cent of respondents to a Nanos poll said their impression of it had gotten worse over the last five years, while only 19 per cent reported that their view of it had gotten better.
Obviously, it's time for a newbranding of the rebranding of Canada's major resource. From now on, the oil sands will be referred to as "the cuddly sands of cuteness."
"Canada's cuddly sands of cuteness are the engine that drives our economy," exulted Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "It is essential that we develop pipelines to bring oil from our cuddly sands of cuteness to world markets."
An overnight poll shows that 87 per cent of Canadians approve of Canada's cuddly sands of cuteness.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20141201.eladvote1201_@/BNStory/newsLeGrandBrand2014/]
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I Would Question Those Findings, But How Could I Trust The Response?
Questionnaires can be revealing, often in ways their creators hadn't expected. There was one recently that showed that, on average, men rank humour, intelligence and niceness ahead of physical appearance in what attracts them to women. The same questionnaire also revealed that the average man lies on questionnaires 100 per cent of the time.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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It Depends On Whether Or Not The Guy Whose Car You Just Torched Was A Fan Of The Home Team
0 compassion) What is the difference between violence after a white police officer is let free after shooting an unarmed black man and violence after your city's team won the Superbowl?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Just One More Black Friday Mark On His Record
I don't want to suggest that disgraced Canadian media baron Conrad Black has a runaway ego, but he thinks Black Friday is a national holiday in his honour...
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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You Could Say The Threat Of Life In Prison Made Him "Scared Clean Shaven"
Shocking revelations from a Canadian courtroom: Jian Ghomeshi has a chin! This may be the first time his full face has seen the light of day directly, and not through stubble, since before he hit puberty! Medical experts weigh in on the possibility that the former radio host will get sunburn from normal daylight. Meanwhile, Ghomeshi's fans are torn between those who hate the chin and those who think it "makes him look like a 12 year-old - eww!"
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
[http://www.inquiringnationalstar.com/gossip/64393]
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Considering Their Comedy Training, They Seem To Take Themselves Awfully Seriously
A man is facing a felony menacing charge after two western Colorado sheriff's deputies say he pointed a banana at them. It would appear that Monty Python's how to defend yourself against fruit sketch was mandatory viewing at the police academy.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/juiciness-is-the-best-defense-11-20-14]
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The President Will Deliver His State Of The Union Address To The Congress Bar And Grill On 7th Street, Starting A New Tradition
To show their displeasure with the President for...well, being the President, Republican lawmakers are considering not asking him to give the State of the Union Address, a tradition that has existed in one form or another since 1790. "We don't like ta see his kind round these here parts," sneered Speaker of the House John Boehner. "If he done shows up, ah cannot vouch fer his personal safety."
Instead, they plan on watching 10 minutes of a Jeff Foxworthy stand-up comedy routine on Netflix, then go out, get drunk and strangle a bald eagle with their bare hands. "It's th'American way," Boehner explained.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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This Is An Obvious Case Of Squirrel Rights Run Amok
Ezra Levant has been found guilty of defamation for things he wrote on his blog about a squirrel in his neighbourhood known as Rodent X. When Rodent X disappeared for a week, Levant accused him of being a Jew-hating illiberal Islamic fascist who had spent the time in a Muslim extremist terrorist camp. The squirrel claimed that it was just on the next street over, where there were more fallen acorns to eat, and that what really motivated Levant was anger that Rodent X had eaten strawberries he had planted the year before.
"I find that his dominant motive in these blog posts was ill will, and that his repeated failure to take even basic steps to check his facts showed a reckless disregard for the truth," wrote Ontario Superior Court Judge Wendy Matheson in her summation of the case. "And, I just don't get Levant's thing with squirrels. Sure, they're a nuisance, but 'illiberal Islamic fascists?' Really?"
"Libel chill!" Levant shrieked in response. "I mean, if I can't make up scurrilous things about rodents on the Internet, they'll come after you for saying truths about the government!" After a moment's refection, he added: "Well, not you. Obviously. Nobody cares what you have to say about the government. Or, squirrels. Or, anything. But, somebody whose opinion actually means something in this world!"
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657cc48ec]
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