Thank you, Sarah Soda, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Taylor Hawkins, the drummer for the band Foo Fighters, said that the new U2 album "just kinda sounds like a fart." At first, we thought he had accused the members of U2 of being old farts, which we had to kind of agree with. But, no, Hawkins had brought the practice of music criticism to a new low.
In anticipation of a new movement in criticism of the medium, music reviewers around the world bought DVDs of all of the Farrelly brothers movies.
Enjoy,At the G20 summit in Brisbane, Australia, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper performed the classical eyeball poke maneuver on Russian President Vladimir Putin. When American President Barack Obama said, "Hey, quit pickin' on that Russian strongman!", Harper attempted the eyeball poke on him, but Obama was quick with the hand in front of the nose defense.
Then, Putin turned Harper back towards him and, exclaiming, "Wise guy, hunh?", wafted his hand up the front of Harper's face, only to slam it down on Harper's nose. Slam it down hard. It was only a matter of time before objects flew all about the conference room.
Who says traditional diplomacy has no place in the modern world?
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/
s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=20973]
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When Churchill Said It Was Better To Jar Jar Than To War War, He Hadn't Seen The Second Trilogy
The title of the next Star Wars movie has been announced. It will be called The Force Awakens. Sure, The Force will. But, will the audience?
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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The Ever Strange World Of Oil Politics Becomes Surreal
After a domestic drubbing at home, where disenchanted voters made clear they had heard enough of his clarion call for "hope and change," U.S. President Barack Obama scored a rare foreign policy triumph in the sweeping deal with China to slash greenhouse gas emissions. It may even lead to a decision on the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, which would move oil from Alberta's tar sands and North Dakota's Bakken oil fields to refineries on the U.S. Gulf Coast.
"It matters that the world's most consequential relationship has just produced something of great consequence in the fight against climate change," U.S. secretary of State John Kerry said. Congress is much more likely to put pipeline jobs above environmental concerns.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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The months-long standoff between publishing giants Amazom.com and Hachette has finally ended with the announcement of their signing of a multi-year agreement.
"The whole thing was silly, really," said Hachette Chief Executive Officer Michael Pietsch.
"We just had to be reminded of our common interest," agreed Amazon Vice President David Naggar.
And, what was their common interest?
"Screwing writers!" Pietsch and Naggar shouted in unison, then dissolved in a fit of giggles.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.77/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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The Accounts Will Be Settled At A Future Leadership Convention
Progressive Ontario voters certainly have to settle.
YOU WANT: An NDP leader like Tommy Douglas.
YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: An NDP leader like Jack Layton.
YOU'LL GET: NDP leader Andrea "And then a step to the right!" Horvath.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Canada Questions Our Answers
QUESTION: In the article "World War One - Why?" you claim that the first World War was started when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated. Haven't you overlooked the fact that the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand was a hoax created on a Hollywood soundstage, and that the War was really started when Neil Armstrong shoved a spicy salami in Kaiser Wilhelm's face?
ANSWER: N...no, we're pretty sure our account was accurate.
QUESTION: You recently reported that the Toronto Maple Leafs were playing well enough to deserve a playoff berth. But, isn't it true that Paul Soros made a deal with Paul Beeston (in what has come to be known as "The Night Of the Long Pauls") that the Leafs would not make the playoffs until the United States adopted a system of socialized medicine and took away everybody's guns so that it could be enforced?
ANSWER: Umm, no. That simply isn't true. We stand by our story.
QUESTION: In a recent article in your publication called "The Prince and the Peeper," you claimed that Prince Fahd of Saudi Arabia refused to come to Canada because he was afraid that if he caught a glimpse of a woman driving, the 2,000 year-old man would have a heart attack and die on the spot. That's preposterous! Isn't it true that he is, in fact, only 27?
ANSWER: Oh, will you shut up!
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20141202.eladvote1202_@/BNStory/opinionOops2014/]
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I Was At A Soccer Game When A Police Takedown Broke Out...
PLAY-BY-PLAY ANNOUNCER: Flaxnard passes the ball to Rosencrantz. Rosencrantz goes upfield, where he is met by defender Rance Mistral-Kitteh. Having no room to maneuver, Rosencrantz passes the ball back to Flaxnard, who kicks it upfield where Guildenstern brings it down and pivots. Glatspon goes to tackle him and - OH! GUILDENSTERN IS DOWN! GUILDENSTERN IS DOWN! He is clutching his shin, and, yes, from the replay, it would appear that Glatspon's spikes did come up. The referee is carding the Caribbean player. The referee is asking him his name. Now, he's asking Glatspon his age. Now he's asking the player what his reason for being in this neighbourhood is. Now the referee is asking him if he has a history of drug abuse, and you better not lie to me, boy, because all it would take would be a single call to bring up your record. Now, the referee is asking Glatspon if he's a member of a street gang. Glatspon is, of course, animatedly denying he has done anything wrong...
COLOUR ANNOUNCER: This is what you get for holding a football match in Toronto, isn't it, Mitch?
PLAY-BY-PLAY ANNOUNCER: They certainly take carding seriously, here, Marv. This would probably be a good time for viewers to freshen up their beverages, because we could be here for a while...
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/thepolicearesuchcards.shtml]
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