Thank you, Anna Rex, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that the computer game Tetris was going to be made into a feature length movie. Apparently, a blue falling tee and a yellow falling squiggle are madly in love, much to the dismay of their families. The young lovers feel manipulated by unseen forces when all they want is to be free to love whomever they choose. It's essentially Romeo and Juliet with a point count and bonus rounds...and, then, the aliens land!
We can't wait.
Enjoy,Not Just Another Driver Losing His Head
Black teenager Rafael Lugubrious was instantly killed when a white Alabama State Trooper who had stopped his car pulled out a samurai sword and decapitated him. Horrified witnesses said that Lugubrious had been cooperating with the Trooper when the most unfortunate incident happened.
"This is a most unfortunate incident," commented police union rep Maldives Smithsonian. "Still, Trooper Jherkin Gerety had probable cause to believe that the now headless man was a Cuban drug lord, and he was naturally fearful for his life when he saw the suspect reach for something. He couldn't know that what he thought was a shirikin was actually the silver lining of a stick of chewing gum. Not in the fraction of a second in which he was forced to act."
"And, they call us barbarians," tutted Ali ibn Ila, a spokesman for Islamic State.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1592749670263405.xml]
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What Is It With Kevins And Krazy?
I was ready to take National Review writer (he strings words together into a good approximation of sentences, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt) Kevin D. Williamson to task for claiming that women who have abortions should be killed. Remember the commandment "Thou shalt not kill," Kevin? There may be wiggle room in some of god's laws, but that was one of the ones that he deemed important enough to be written in stone.
But, that's just standard issue right wing hypocrisy. What distinguishes Williamson is how he managed to turn an anti-abortion argument into a screed against actor and comedian Lena Dunham. This takes exceptional craziness - Williamson has, with one statement, vaulted to the head of the line for a star on the Bag of Crazy Walk of Infamy.
And, what's with the whole managing the relationship between procreative input (I'm guessing he's talking about sex) and procreative output (babies?) thing? Williamson makes physical expressions of love about as appealing as a corporate manager's work flow chart! For that, his star on the WoI deserves to have its own stars!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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There Are No Small Government Actions - There Are Just Small Ministers To Announce Them
The Harper Government of Canada has overturned an RCMP decision to replace some of its traditional muskrat hats with wool toques. "It would certainly save money," said Minister for Unrelated Issues Leona Aglukkaq, "and it would undoubtedly be more comfortable for a lot of RCMP members to wear - those hats are little brain furnaces! But, SCARY, SCARY ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS!"
At the same time, Aglukkaq announced that, "We would strongly recommend that Constable Michael McFerret of Moosejaw trim his hair - he's getting a little shaggy. Oh, and Constable Louise Urtz of Gander, you might want to cut back on the haggis and donuts for lunch. Don't make me publicly state why..."
When opposition leader Thomas Mulcair suggested that this level of detail was beyond the responsibility of the federal government, Aglukkaq dismissively responded, "We don't micromanage. We just really, really, really care about details."
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/09/29/nomuskratlovehere140929]
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They Could Just Apologize For Putting Him On The Air In The First Place...
5pm. Sun News Network. Ezra Apologies.
Owing to popular demand, the Sun News Network is running a programme that apologizes for things that Ezra Levant says in the previous two hours on the air. The name of the show is a bit misleading: Levant is not the one who delivers the apologies. SNN has an on-air graphic for that. * NEW * The show has been expanded from five minutes to an hour every evening to accommodate all of the people Levant says scurrilous things about.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Would It Be Asking Too Much For Him To (Islamic) State The Actual acts?
When it comes to American policy on the Middle East, everybody settles.
YOU WANT: The President treating Americans like adults by telling them that the death and destruction the invasion of Iraq caused radicalized a lot of Muslims and is directly responsible for the rise of the Islamic State.
YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: The President treating Americans like idealistic but petulant teenagers by telling them that the invasion of Iraq was well-intentioned, but had the unintended consequence of radicalizing some Muslims, which may have been a contributing factor to the rise of the Islamic State
YOU'LL GET: The President treating Americans like six year-olds by spinning a fantasy that Iraq was a functioning, modern democracy when American troops left, and it fell apart because of the tribal ambitions of one man, Nouri al-Maliki, who is solely responsible for the rise of the Islamic State.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Preferably, A Zoo With A Good Supplemental Health Insurance Plan...
A California company that makes home genetic testing kits is poised to sell them in Canada, providing information on over 100 health conditions to its costumers, despite being banned from doing so by the American Food and Drug Administration. "Thank goodness for maple syrup and moose, eh?" joked 23andMe Inc. CEO Anne Wojcicki.
"But, seriously," Wojcicki wiped a tear from her eye. "People want to know if they have the genetic markers for such things as Rapid Splenetic Disphoria or crono-rectal hippie displacement or Berger's Consumption. How they panic when they discover their genetic predispositions is not our responsibility, although we do advise all of the people who use our product to panic in the company of their family physician."
"The test told me that I had the genetic makeup of an elephant," said satisfied customer Dominica Adrissee of Hamilton. "At first, I thought it was ridiculous. But, it did explain my big nose and why, for no apparent reason, I get cravings for peanuts. That's good enough for me! Do you happen to know a zoo that's looking for a...strange looking elephant?"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1424H7EC-2C142-20K5-AAA1582614B776482]
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