Thank you, Tyler Keevil, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we saw the film To Be Takei, about the actor who, among many other things, played Sulu on the original Star Trek, and we realized that William Shatner isn't a jerk, he just plays one in documentaries.
Enjoy,If Ford Locks Up The Venusian Vote, He Will Be...No Further Ahead In The Mayoral Race
Rob Ford's bid to remain mayor of Toronto knows no geographic bounds as beings who live outside the GTA - even as far as Venus - report receiving unsolicited emails seeking campaign donations.
"Freeps belounget globsmackular zeendqvest," commented freelance eyestalk stylist Becky Blavvvvvvtavvvvvian. Roughly translated, this means: "I do not vote for politicians who are not members of my transcorporeal clan-corporation."
"Enchie splenchoid tinct - barragus felpchure grunk. Anamolity grunk," added psychotropic spaceship repair artist Bruno Blavvvvvvtavvvvvian (every relation). We think what he was saying was that this was clearly spam and he would be bringing a complaint to the Canadian privacy commissioner. Or, it could have just been gas. Venusians can be inscrutable that way.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32369641384641314000fx]
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If You've Seen Guardians Of The Galaxy, You Know How Weaponized Raccoons Have Become
A Canadian inventor has created a garbage bin which he believes will be impossible for raccoons to get into. It is made largely of concrete, a laser screen around its perimeter and an electronic lock that randomly generates a combination every 15 minutes and sends it to the owner in an encrypted email.
A raccoon that asked to be identified only as "RJ" cracked its knuckles and said, "I like a challenge..."
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=172033]
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As Russia seems poised to annex parts of Ukraine that it has invaded, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) seems ill-equipped to deal with it.
"We've been enlisting former eastern block countries into NATO in order to keep Russia's territorial ambitions within its own borders for years," explained NATO Secretary-General Anders Fogh-Rasmussen. "If we had known Russia was going to object, we might have chosen countries that could better defend themselves!"
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2014/08/31/international/main542815.shtml]
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A Girl With Sharply Pointy Ears And Facial Hair, But Still...
It was recently announced that Hello Kitty wasn't a cat at all, but a representation of a girl.
This was Galileo suggesting to the Catholic church that they were going to have to change all of their drawings of the solar system because the Earth actually revolves around the sun. This was Einstein explaining to science fiction authors that they should stop writing time travel stories because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. This was Aunt Bertha explaining to Uncle Morty that he would have to wear something under his trench coat or he could get into serious trouble.
The earth, as they say, shattered.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/140828/geeklynews/01catwomanwastherefirst.htm]
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At The Very Least This Should Make Bruce Springsteen Happy
Yesterday, the federal government's policy that cable companies unbundle their offerings and allow TV viewers to pick and choose individual channels came into effect. Today, the number of cable networks on offer has dwindled from 500 to 15, 13 of which are American.
What an advancement in consumer choice!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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If They Would Only Ask, I Would Be Happy To Offer Some Thoughts On Finding A Lasting Peace In The Middle East...
Hello. I'm an Israeli open-bolt, blowback-operated submachine gun. My friends call me Uzi, and I am, if I do say so myself, so open-hearted and generous that I'd like to think that everybody is my friend. I like to divide people into two camps: the 90 countries where I have been sold, and the rest of the world that has yet to exposed to my wit and charm.
I'm sure you would like me if you just got to know me. I like long walks down beaches at sunset surrounded by puppies. My favourite film directors are Jim Jarmusch and Wes Anderson. In my spare time, I like to write haikus about the changing of the seasons. I'm always there to listen when friends have problems and, I don't mean to pull my own trigger, but my calm, well-considered advice has saved more than one marriage.
I would never dream of hurting human beings. After all, you have created most of the artwork that I love so much. And, in any case, you seem...nice enough. On an individual basis. It is highly unfortunate that, sometimes, one of you picks me up and mows down several others of you. While this invariably upsets my compassionate nature, it really is out of my hands.
Err, figuratively speaking.
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
[http://www.saturdaynightfevered.ca/index.php]
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Our Fetish For Greed-driven Environmental Destruction, On The Other Hand, Is No Short-lived Fad
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Makes You Wonder What's In The Fairness To Cartoon Mascots Act
A tough new parole law initiated by a Conservative backbencher has been stalled because the wrong bill has been sent to the Senate. Not the wrong version - an entirely different bill. What had been submitted to Senators as the Fairness to Victims Act is actually a law intended to make Mickey Mouse the official cartoon mascot of the Harper Government of Canada.
"That would be really embarrassing," Public Safety Minister Steven Blaney remarked, "if this was a government that knew shame or embarrassment. As it is, we - OH, LOOK! RUSSIA INVADES UKRAINE! TERRORISTS IN YOUR BATHROOM! PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!"
The bill would have passed the Senate the next day if Sanitation Specialist Third Class Milos Milosovich hadn't read it on a break and, thinking it was kind of odd, took it to his supervisor, who sent it up the chain of janitorial command until it finally reached a political aide, who sent it up the civil service chain of command until it finally reached a Member of Parliament. "I mean, doesn't the country have its own cartoon characters who can be the mascot of the Harper Government of Canada? Not even one?"
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b9e9-8c77-bf6b-55b444cc33ec]
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