As time passes, the memory Canadians have of the Hundred Years War is fading.
"This is part of the west's military heritage," argued J. L. Stonemug, professor of Historical Atrocities at York University. "If we don't remember the Hundred Years War, we'll forget the Thirty Years War. And, if we forget the Thirty Years War, how will we ever remember the Battle of Westphalia? And, if we forget the Battle of Westphalia, how can Canada survive as a nation?"
"Oh, I remember the Hundred Years War," said second year student Moira Blasphemis. "Pointless slaughter of men and goats...destruction of entire villages...mud - I remember the mud the most. Lots and lots and lots of mud. Now, can you please tell me how remembering all that helps Canada survive as a nation?"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1086591831432&call_pageid=968335243292&col=943266972152]
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A Torah Deal For Somebody
Dear Amritsar,
As a matter of solidarity with a beleaguered people, my parents decided to hold my bar mitzvah in Israel. This was a mistake. A rocket landed near the tent in the desert while I started reading my Torah portion, killing three camels and wounding one other. I lost my place and sputtered through the rest of it - it didn't help that the Rabbi kept shaking his head in disapproval - as fighter jets screamed aboverhead and bombs went off on the other side of the border. I'll never forget the distant screams of dying people. And, camels, too, I suppose. But, mostly people.
How screwed am I?
Avi Govnetz
Hey, Babe,
If you go into therapy now, you may grow up without the urge to become a playwright. Good luck.
SOURCE: The Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=30622655514641387987fx]
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Waste Makes Haste
Bruce County council violated the Municipal Act by holding closed-door meetings to talk about a proposed nuclear waste site. The good news is that the violation didn't appear to be deliberate because none of the city councillors raised the issue.
"Thank goodness we're all ignorant of the Municipal Act," said Kincardine Mayor Larry Kraemer. "Otherwise, we could have been in real trouble!"
Ontario Power Generation spokesweasel Neal Kelly claimed that no public notice of the meetings was required because, "It wasn't a decision-making process; it was a venue for an exchange of information." When asked what information was exchanged, Kelly haughtily stated, "If you wanted to know, you really should have been at the meeting!"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2014/08/07/509727.html]
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A sleigh has been confirmed to have been shot out of the sky over Ukraine, most likely by a brave faction fighting to remain loyal to Mother Russia. Rumours that the sleigh had been driven by Santa Claus and contained nothing more controversial than toys for children have yet to be confirmed because troops from the Motherland are not allowing Western observers to examine the wreckage until they have completed a thorough investigation.
"Pushy, pushy. You'll get your turn," said Czar-in-Waiting Vladimir Putin. "In the meantime, I have some banged up scale model tanks to play with..."
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744163]
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Former Alberta Premier Alison Redford has cut all her ties to provincial politics amid calls from her successor for an RCMP investigation into her travel expenditures and alleged misuse of government flights. Police will be called in to investigate Brampton's mayor and councillors after a scathing forensic audit found hundreds of expenses that broke city rules.
"It is time to move forward."
"Last time I checked, Miami wasn't part of the community," Moore said.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Just Because The Fights Follow A Script Doesn't Make Them Any Less Entertaining, You Cynical Bastard
Turkish Fight ClubAlso known as the Turkish parliament. This week legislators from Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan's party and the opposition nationalist party get into a fistfight during a debate on whether parliament should open an inquiry into Islamic militants joining the fighting in Iraq and Syria. You won't want to miss any of the action!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Pointy Heads Come Up With Round Errors
The Canadian economy created 200 new jobs last month, somewhat short of the 20,000 that economists were expecting. Should economists be embarrassed by such a discrepancy?
"Absolutely not!" argued Blanche White, the only female economist within a 500 kilometre radius and the only economist in the country willing to talk about the discrepancy with a straight face. "It was a mere rounding error!"
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/timworstedofall/2014/08/07/why-crazy-people-make-better-economists/]
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Somebody's Moral Compass Has Steered Them Into The Inlet Of Inhumanity
"It is important for us not to feel too sanctimonious in retrospect about the tough job those folks had," President Obama said about CIA torturers. "A lot of those folks were working hard under enormous pressure and are real patriots."
"I hadn't looked at it that way," said Abu Ghraib prisoner Abdul ben Abdullah, folding his arms to cover up the scars from his third...no, fourth suicide attempt. "May Allah forgive me for my selfishness."
"It...must have been...hard for them," agreed Guantanamo Bay inmate Farouk "Ben" Selattin. I had to lean in to hear him because he was weak from having been waterboarded for the third...no, fourth time that day. "To return home...after breaking men's bodies...and spirits. It...it's the children of...such men that I...I...I...pity the most."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed a third prisoner at an undisclosed CIA black box facility. After 20 minutes, we gave up on getting anything quotable out of him. After 30 minutes, he was sedated.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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