Thank you, Leah Tardue, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the man in Arizona who accidentally shot himself in the penis with his girlfriend's little pink pistol. Little! Pink! Pistol! Well, that just encapsulates everything that's wrong with this country, doesn't it? No member of The Greatest Generation would have been caught dead accidentally shooting his penis with a little pink pistol. No! He would have accidentally shot his penis with a howitzer as god had intended!
Enjoy,Death By A Thousand Paper Cuts
The Harper Government of Canada has announced that its next budget will allocate twenty-three dollars and seventeen cents for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.
"The CBC is a Canadian tradition - indeed, it is woven into this country's history. Naturally, we wish it all the best moving forward," said Prime Minister Stephen Harper, barely able to contain his glee. "Still, these are tough economic times, and everybody has to make sacrifices."
The Prime Minister then excused himself, claiming that his presence was needed at a press conference announcing the allocation of fifty billion dollars for used fighter planes of limited use to protect Canada's borders.
"I am excited about taking the Corporation in a new direction," said CBC President Hubert T. Lacroix. "We'll have to lay off everybody, of course. And, our communications network may ultimately consist of tin cans and string, but we shall rise to these challenges!"
"Since we're rethinking the CBC," said professional nosy person Kevin Instapundit, "this would be a good time to have it get rid of all of its advertising. You know, make it a true public tin cans and string network."
"Yes, yes, we're willing to consider good ideas from any source," Lacroix, visibly shrinking into himself, responded. "That would make the challenge more...challengey!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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The Religious Right's Latest History Lessen: Six Million Jews Wouldn't Have Died If They Just Didn't Love Baking Cakes So Much
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Trenchant Warfare
The cinematic war between the United States and North Korea is heating up.
Hostilities began with Seth Rogen's unprovoked attack on North Korea, The Interview. North Korean filmmaker Jong Bong-Long counterattacked with the release of the film Die, Imperialist Running Dog Lackey Stooges! The United States blitzed North Korea with Jim Carrey's Dumb and Dumber XII: Asian Abrasion, while at the same time opening up a second front with Woody Allen's Untitled Project 37 (We Left it Too Late). North Korea's defenses crumbled, even though the release of Jong Bong-Long's The Glorious Worker's Revolution Will Never Surrender to Fascist Pigs! did buy the country some time to regroup.
Casualties have been intense on both sides, with uncounted hurt feelings, explosions of outrage and offensive stabs at humour. Oh, the humanity!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2014/2014/06/28/moviesethsoffthealarms/]
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Securing The Safety Of Women...Not So Much
The U. S. Supreme Court on Thursday struck down a 10-metre protest-free zone outside abortion clinics in the state of Massachusetts. The justices ruled unanimously that the Secret Service acted appropriately when it moved anti-Bush protesters several blocks further away from the president's dinner table, even while allowing a friendly crowd of demonstrators to hold their ground.
The Justices were unanimous in ruling that extending a buffer zone that far from clinic entrances violates the U.S. Constitution's First Amendment rights of protestors. "People are not at liberty to speak whenever, however, and wherever they please," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg ruled for the court. "In that regard, we have recognized that securing the safety of the president is a vital concern."
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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The First Person Who Can Sit Through The Whole Film Will Win The Keys To The Chocolate Factory
Transformers: Age of BaysplosionsThe twelfth movie in the series is reported to be 27 hours long. Nobody knows for sure, because people tend to pass out by the 10 hour mark. With all of my years writing about movies, I was only able to see about 14 hours before I started having hallucinations of Luis Bunuel spitting ants at my face. What I was able to see is something of a blur in my mind, but I remember explosions.
So. Many. Explosions.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0378291/]
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Working On The Cheney Gang
Private Citizen Dick Cheney (although not private enough for many of his fellow citizens), stuck his head out of his hole (auguring six more years of war) to state, "Rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many."
As most of us would, the Absurd Ironyometer spit up its morning coffee when it saw the quote. The AI figured it must have woken up in an alternate universe where Vice President Dick Cheney had not, after Saddam Hussein's capture in 2002, said, "[T]he streets in Basra and Baghdad are sure to erupt in joy in the same way throngs in Kabul greeted the Americans."
Ever since, the AI has been trying to figure out a way to get back to a sane universe where the architects of a disastrous war aren't taken seriously as critics of the people who are trying to clean up the mess they made. Desperately, very unironically trying to find a way to get back there.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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A Day That Will Live In Fahmy
The Harper Government of Canada has been accused of inaction in the case of Mohamed Fahmy, a Canadian journalist who was sentenced to seven years in prison by an Egyptian court on charges of terrorism. This is not true. The Harper Government of Canada has been in constant communication with the Egyptian government since the verdict was handed down.
"You can do that?" an awed Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird commented. "You can arrest journalists for aiding terrorists? Tell me more!"
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1268859597715]
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