The Daily Me - Lefty Anycolourbutwhitecastle

Thank you, Lefty Anycolourbutwhitecastle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, to celebrate their nation's anniversary, our Canadian contributors drove over a beaver while sharing photos of themselves strangling a loon on Facebook while eating Atlantic salmon in maple batter while reading Margaret Atwood, singing the national anthem in both official languages and dreaming of making love in a canoe. Apparently, it's a tradition. They're strange people, our Canadian contributors...

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Insane Cons Lead To Mad Libs

Are you tired of learning that the blacked out parts of federal government documents on important public policies such as terrorist activities in Tuktoyaktuk actually contain innocuous words and phrases such as "clouds," "puppy dog tails" and "eminent domain?" Turn it into entertainment!

A new game making the rounds of Ottawa is to make mad libs out of censored government documents. To show you how it's done, we have taken a backgrounder on a cyberbullying bill and given you some ideas on how to fill the censored areas. Don't feel you need to stick with our examples, though: once you've got the hang of it, feel free to insert your own words or phrases! You could have hours of fun. And, the best part? What you come up with will probably make more sense than the government original!

1. our fine China
our asses (reputation-wise)
our inner children
our corporate masters
a major concern of our political base
our asses (donkey-wise)

2. of Atlantis
of Erehwon
of the nation of you
of sheepherders
of Google Inc.
of France

3. of Swaziland
laparoscopy department
of invention
of light fandango
of your kitchen
of Turks and Caicos

4. Anyone can be a victim of drive-by political sloganeering.
You may be a victim of cyberbullying and not even know it!
The smoker you drink, the player you get.
Help! I'm trapped in a political fortune factory, Cookie!
Fear is an ugly emotion, but it is not without its uses...
If you can't say something nice, say something plural panopticon gravy!

5. and if you don't believe us, just ask any Liberal who received an email with a phony polling station address in the last election.
and if you don't believe us, just suck a lemon, because we have a majority and we only very marginally care what you think.
and if you don't believe us, you can dance the Frug with a frog on Parliament Hill, because firfy froufrou is fabulous!
and so adults must give up liberties, because you're either with us or with the pedophile terrorist cyberbullying bastards!
and a Winken's as good as a Nod to a blind wombat, not that you'll be hearing that from the Ottawa press corpse any time soon!
and - ha ha! - the time you spent trying to find out what we censored in this document is time you didn't spend finding our real secrets!

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=801&dir=bb]
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Lead By Example, I Always Say
(Now, If Just Others - Or, Even A Certain Other - Would Follow)

London Mayor Joe Fontana has resigned after he was convicted of fraud.

Torontonians were stunned by the news. "He can do that?" they wondered in awed fascination. "No, seriously: that's a thing? Really? A Mayor can do that?"

SOURCE: The Matrixxx

[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/politics/city/rob-from-the-rich/]
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You Just Realized That Now? Seriously, Have You Ever Met This Government?

"The government is reacting to public opinion rather than evidence-based decision making." - Raj Sharma, an immigration lawyer, on the Conservative government's announced plans to tighten up the temporary foreign worker programme

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Jean Chretien Shrugged And Responded, "It's Not My Problem Any More..."

A high profile Parliamentary committee is urging the Canadian government to waste hundreds of millions, possibly billions of dollars.

"Throw it down a deep, dark hole and completely forget about it," Daniel Lang, the Conservative chair of the committee, said. "The deeper and darker the hole, the easier will be the forgetting."

"May as well shred that money as spend it," Romeo Dallaire, the Liberal deputy chair of the committee added. "If we don't completely waste it ourselves, the government will just find even worse ways to waste it. Better to trust us to do the job properly."

The committee's actual recommendation was for Canada to join the American ballistic missile defense system. We may have translated a bit to give readers a more realistic view of what that actually means.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088590830803&call_pageid=968338083492&col=968427972054]
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Some Things Are Easier To Deny Than Others

James Keegstra has died at the age of 80. "No, I didn't," he has since claimed. "Oh, sure, the World Jewish Conspiracy would like you to believe that I'm dead - and, since Jews control the media, you're likely to see my obituary everywhere! But, if somebody will just, uggh, let me out of this box I seem to be stuck in - they have no idea who they're dealing with! - I'll just - what is that musty smell? It doesn't matter - I'll show them! I'll prove that my death never happened!"

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Oh, Snap! McKay Hit That One Out Of The Park! (Too Bad The Game Was Tennis)

First, Justice Minister Peter MacKay claimed that women and visible minorities were underrepresented on Canada's courts because they don't apply for jobs on them. Then, lawyer Avvy Yao-Yao Go said that this was not true, that she knew worthy female and minority candidates who had applied.

The ball was in McKay's court - what did he do? "What does she know?" he fired back. "She's just a girl."

SOURCE: Womyn's e-Vents

[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1203]
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All Of The Band's Fans Who Are Going To Come After You Now For Making That Joke?

Jonah Hill has claimed that he wanted a Nickelback song for a scene in the film 22 Jump Street, but the band refused to give him the rights. The song would have played during a drug hallucination scene.

Nickelback has standards. Who knew?

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0718053/]
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We're Not Sure What We Can Do With That Information, But, Trust Us, We'll Think Of Smething...

A recent poll showed that 100% of Canadians oppose the government's bill on cyberbullying. Every single person in the country.

"Oh, don't be so smug," responded Prime Minister Stephen Harper, "We know who you are and we know where you live!"

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/06/23/bullyforthebullypulpit140623]
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