Thank you, Lucy Yellowcastle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, to celebrate the fact that the full moon took place on Friday the 13th, we went on a drinking binge after work. Okay, strictly speaking, we went on a drinking binge because it was Friday; everything else was just frosting on the mug. Still, unlike most people, we actually saw two full moons in the sky that night.
Our livers willing, we're looking forward to doing it all again in 2042!
Enjoy,It Was The Most Cogent NRA Statement In Years
The National Rifle Association would like to clarify the position it apparently took last week, when a member of the Institute for Legislative Action, its lobbying arm, put a statement on the group's Web site claiming that people who openly carried rifles into Texas restaurants were "counterproductive," "scary" and "downright weird."
"We use a million monkeys to write our press releases," explained Chris Cox, the executive director of the ILA. "Apparently, one of them had a potassium deficiency because he didn't have enough bananas to eat - rest assured, we're looking into our benefits package, especially the provisions around provisions. This statement was the result. Sorry about that. I would like to make it clear that it in no way reflected the sentiments of the human beings who work at the NRA!"
Mungo, the chimpanzee who is believed to have written the text for the Web page, responded, "Ook ook eee eee eee!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/texas/2014-06-11-nrah-rah-raw_x.htm]
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Nobody Reads The Well-crafted Arguments, So Why Not Get Right To The Point?
Great moments in postmodern literary criticism:
I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. The cover is nice. Otherwise, I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book. I hated this book.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.69/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Wow. With A Resume Like That, What Corporation Wouldn't Want Him Working For Them?
Seeking Employment
Former United States Congressman. SKILLS: innumerate economic projections and budgeting; twisting logic to suit any predetermined position, and looking good on camera while doing it; bringing a major bureaucracy to a standstill, making any productive work impossible, to get what he wants, and; adding demands when he actually does get what he wants in order to extend the inactivity. CONTACT: Eric Cantor.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/040938.qrhtml]
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Cruzing For A Bruising
Canadians are in mourning today because United States Senator Ted Cruz has successfully given up his Canadian citizenship.
"I didn't know that Tom Cruise was a Canadian citizen," said North Vancouver resident Benicio del Smith. "I think he's a much better actor than many people - what? Ted Cruz? Not Tom, Ted? Who the hell is that?"
"It's a sad day when any Canadian feels the need to renounce their citizenship,' said Edmontonian Charlotte Debacle. "I'm sure Todd Crusty had his reasons, but - what? Well...whatever his name was. That's not what's really important, here!"
"Ted Cruz was a titan of Canadian industry,' said Tony Finsterman of St. John's. "As an entrepreneur, he created more jobs than - what? No? He wasn't? Well, okay, he was a writer who chronicled the day to day lives of ordinary Canadians with sensitivity and - not that, either? Umm...hockey star? No? Member of Parliament? Not as such? Cat wrangler? He wasn't even a cat wrangler? I'm sorry: who is Ted Cruz and why am I supposed to give a shit that he renounced his Canadian citizenship?"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20140610.eladvote0610_@/BNStory/newsOnASeeCruz2014/]
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Have A Taste For Political Scandal? Tuktoyaktuk Right In!
Complaints have been made about a letter sent to over 60 Liberal supporters claiming that their polling station for the Ontario election was in Tuktoyaktuk.
"It was an honest mistake by a low-level intern," a Conservative representative who asked not to be named chuckled. "Tuktoyaktuk - that's a good one!"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2014/06/08/509727.html]
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Understanding Just Leads To...More Understand, And What's The Good Of That?
Have you seen the new movie Maleficent? Don't bother - I'll tell you all you need to know about it. Moral relativism. That's right - you heard it here, folks. The worst kind of moral relativism that's the rot at the heart of Disney's liberal-communist-femifascist agenda! I mean, in fairy tales, good is good and evil is evil - it's a simple dynamic, and that's just how I like it! But, in this movie, we are asked to sympathize with the evil Maleficent who has...reasons for her vile behaviour. Reasons! Imagine it! Evil doesn't need reasons - evil is evil because it's evil! Okay, Angelina Jolie kissing a girl is always kind of hot. Still - harrumph! Harrumph! Moral relativism. That's the true evil here!
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2603,82407,00.html]
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That's So Trail Of The Last Century!
This week marks the twentieth anniversary of the Trial of the Century - no, not the Leopold and Loeb thrill kill trial. The Trial of the Century. You know, the, the Trial of the - no, not the Scopes monkey trial - nobody was even killed in that one!Are you serious? Do you not remember the Trial of the Century? It was all over the news! You had to be - oh, for god's sake, not Adolph Eichmann's trial in Jerusalem! Have you no sense of perspective? We're talking about the trial of O. J. Simpson, who was accused of murdering his wife.
Yes, that Trial of the Century.
You know something? You may have a point. It's not like the O. J. Simpson trial opened up any new legal ground. For that matter, it's not as though a man killing his wife is all that unique in the country - or the world. In fact, the more you think about it, the more you realize that there really wasn't anything all that remarkable about the case. Perhaps it should be known as The Hype of the Century.
Of course, this insight won't stop us from spending the next 24 hours reviewing the events of the trial. Because, you know: white Bronco. Ill-fitting glove. Johnny Cochrane treating every one like a moron (if it doesn't rhyme, it's such a crime). It's not like anything more important is going on in the world!
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2014/ALLPOLITICS/06/08/reps.main/index.html]
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