Thank you, Lonnie Whitecastle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Harlan Ellison turned 80. We know, right? We were sure that he would harangue Father Time mercilessly until the ancient metaphor for the passing of time agreed to let him live the rest of his life at the age of 39. Ellison was a curmudgeon when he was three - could time have mellowed him? "[EXPLETIVE DELETED] that [EXPLETIVE REPEATED] nonsense!" Ellison replied. "I'll be mellow when Father Time - who is a skeevy bastard, by the way - wrestles me into the cold, hard [EXPLETIVE THREEPEATED] ground!"
We stand corrected. On scorched earth.
Enjoy,The Therrien Justifies The Means
Critics of the Harper Government of Canada's nomination of Daniel Therrien as Privacy Commissioner have pointed out that, among his many duties for the government, he negotiated an information sharing deal with the United States. The Harper government responded quickly to the critics with a well reasoned argument.
"Let's see, now," Prime Minister Stephen Harper told a press conference. "You were a bedwetter until you were sixteen...I suspect your wife would be interested in what you do after hours at journalism conferences, and - oh! How is it you haven't been questioned by the police yet in regard to that incident with the SUV full of lemurs? I see criminal charges in your future!
"Any other point anybody would like to make about the nomination?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/06/01/privacyissodaybeforeyesterday140601]
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I Won't Be Reading Any Poems I May Previously Written, Either - That's How Much I Respect The Woman!
Maya Angelou has died at the age of 86 of an undisclosed cause. Out of deference to her literary reputation, I will not be writing a poem to her memory.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Everybody Suffers When Politicians Settle
WHAT YOU WANT: To become Prime Minister.
WHAT YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: Becoming the leader of the official opposition.
WHAT YOU'LL GET: A decade of Conservative rule that dismantles many progressive aspects of Canadian life.
Thanks, Jack Layton.
WHAT YOU WANT: To become Ontario Premier.
WHAT YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: Becoming the leader of the official opposition.
WHAT YOU'LL GET: Conservative Premier Tim Hudak?
Thanks, Andrea Horwath.
SOURCE: Les pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Democracy Is Not For el-Sissis
Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi is celebrating winning the Presidency of Egypt with a resounding 91 per cent of the votes cast. "This is a great day for our country!" he exulted.
As it happens, only 12 votes were cast, and nine of the 11 cast for el-Sissi were military officers still loyal to their leader whom he ordered to vote. "It's just the growing pains of a new democracy," el-Sissi assured the press. Under his breath, though, he could be heard muttering: "Somebody dared to vote against me? We'll just have to see about that!"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2014May29.html]
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There Are No Simple Solutions To Cineplex Problems
Reaction to the news that Cineplex is considering charging more for seats in the centre of its movie theatres was swift. "I had to mortgage my house just to be able to see Blended," complained Calgarian Oswald Potente. "That's two hours and sixteen years of my working life that I'll never get back!"
There are rumours that Cineplex will be designing its theatres so that extra oxygen is blown onto the premium seats. "Oooh," Potente responded, "that might make the sequel to Godzilla worth going to! Let me talk to my accountant..."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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You, Sir, Are Not Fit To Wear The Name Tommy!
Thirty-four long-standing New Democrats wrote a private letter decrying the party's lurch to the right. When the letter became public, Federal NDP leader Thomas Mulcair responded quickly with a well reasoned argument.
"Bunch of babies," he stated. "Spoiled champagne socialists teetotalers who took the whole rhetoric of worker empowerment way too seriously! What have they got against winning? Not that we've won much, but we're on the path, now, and it's only a matter of time - what do they have against that? Traitor babies!"
Prime Minister Stephen Harper grinned. For many reasons.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20140602.eladvote0602_@/BNStory/newsCoops2014/]
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Ask Not For Whom The Temporary Foreign Worker Toils...
"We are very concerned about the government's proposed crackdown on temporary foreign workers. We believe that it will hurt Canadian small businesses," said Gregorio Fungoola, a lawyer who lobbies on behalf of Honda Canada, IBM Canada, Microsoft Canada, Nexen and other local small business owners.
In the middle of the press conference, Fungoola was taken aside and told that he would be laid off the following week, to be replaced by a much cheaper temporary foreign worker. After taking a moment to compose himself, Fungoola continued, "As I was saying, I am very concerned about the government's proposed crackdown on temporary foreign workers. I am concerned that it isn't happening fast enough!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2014/05/29/509323.html]
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Or, To Translate From Bankerese: People Don't Like Greedheads, So, If You Don't Want Your Own Head To End Up On A Pike, Stop Being One
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Remember How The Invasion Of The Arctic Stopped The Melting Of The Ice Caps? Neither Do I...
President Obama recently gave a speech at West Point where he took the position that not every problem in the world has a military solution. The response was as swift as it was inane.
"If that's true," Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell drawled, "how come the invasion of Oz was so successful in reversing the ozone crisis?"
"Do you remember the economic meltdown of 2008?" Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner stated in a heavily tanned voice. "Banks and related financial institutions were on the brink of destruction. And, you know what saved the world economy? Sending jets to bomb Wall Street, that's what!"
"As usual, the President is talking out of his ass," Rush Limbaugh responded out of his own anal orifice. "It was decisive military action that saved the Arkansas snowy water turtle from extinction. Everybody knows that, except, obviously, the President!"
"Oh. Well. Clearly, I was mistaken. Apparently, military action can solve any problem," President Obama countered. He may have been speaking sarcastically - it's hard to tell with this guy.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1176741300648462.xml]
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