Thank you, Smokey Applewood, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about a spite study - it's amazing what kids learn at university these days, isn't it? And, maybe a little scary - that suggested that there was an evolutionary value to wanting to act badly in response to the actions of others. Apparently, withholding fire from some of your relatives in ancient caves made them more likely to cooperate to kill a woolly mammoth for dinner. Or, something like that. We weren't paying attention to the details: we were just happy to know that spiking the boss' coffee with laxatives because we didn't get the holiday bonus we were expecting last year was, against all odds, a virtuous act!
Enjoy,Dear Amritsar,
I find myself inexplicably in love with a small East European nation that, until recently, I never gave a second thought to. She has a certain...vulnerability that I find extremely attractive - I just want to put my big, manly military arms around her and protect her from all of the roughnecks in her neighbourhood. What is the best way to show this exotic, enticing country how much I care about what happens to her?
Canada
Dear Heart,
A frigate, six CF-18 fighter jets, one heavy lift plane, two Airbus transports and about 250 military personnel are considered the least one country can do to show its affection for another country in peril. Unfortunately, the country you have chosen to pursue has a much bigger suitor, a bully who is not above bare knuckle brawling to get what it wants. (Amritsar has a graduate degree in reading between the lines.) You may want to reconsider whether chasing after this country's affections is really in your best interests.
I would suggest sending the country a friendship bracelet and hope for the best.
SOURCE: The Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32307441318941314987fx]
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It's Funnier In Mandarin Chinese
Humourists around the world were in shock yesterday when they received news that they hoped never to hear: Rob Ford is in rehab.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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What You See Is What The Middle Class Gets
Canada's middle class appears to have pulled ahead of their working counterparts in the United States. The gap between the rich and the rest is widening, with Canada's top earners seeing one of the highest increases in income shares of any industrialized country.
After the NYT story was posted online, employment Minister Jason Kenney cited key details on Twitter and used the story to take another jab at the leader of Canada's Liberal party. Ontario's budget, due for release Thursday, is expected to hike taxes for those with incomes above $150,000.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Don't Doubt The Drought
Prizes on the dollar slot machines at the Bellagio in Las Vegas:
1 Lamborghini TestarossaSOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-47341837815063742095cahs01.html]
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"You People Make It Too Easy," Commented SkyNet
The Campaign to Stop Killer Robots has been getting an unsympathetic reception from the Harper Government of Canada. "There is real evil in the world," said Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird, "and we must use all means at our disposal to eliminate it. If this means the creation of an inhuman entity without a conscience that wreaks havoc on whatever it gets close to, well, we're okay with that. It pretty much sums up our government."
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Put That In Your (Crack) Pipe And Smoke It!
STREETS SMART
Mayor Rob Ford has gone into rehab after a video was released that showed him smoking from a crack pipe. It didn't help that he was heard making racist and sexist comments on an audio tape that was made public around the same time.
In response to the news, Ford's popularity has risen.
"We've all lied to the press and the public for over a year about our drug use, then had our advisers tell us that the only way to get ahead of the news cycle when videos of us using a crack pipe were about to be posted on YouTube was to go into rehab," said roc geologist Archibald Vent. "What's the big whup?"
"Men who smoke crack are sexy," said prostitute and part-time window sash Marianna Trenchant.
"He saved taxpayers a billion dollars - what he does in his own time is nobody else's business," said corporate CEO with a tenuous grasp of mathematics Orlando Gersplatnik.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/front/question/must-be-tuesday/]
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Texte/Contexte
Notes
1. Just because we led the corruption that almost destroyed the world economy? Talk about holding a grudge! Really, people - you have to move on! I obviously have.SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=549&dir=bb]
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Better Keep Him Away From Grimm's Original Fairy Tales!
A Polish Roman Catholic priest has accused Lego toys of leading children to the "dark side." The Reverend Slawomir Kostrzewa argued that some of the fantasy characters put out by the building block maker are ugly and aggressive in form, and that they "promote negative emotions and the aesthetics of death."
"Damn him! How did he know? How could he possibly know?" Lego spokeSatanist Roar Trangbaek responded. "First, Hello Kitty, now us. Damn you, Kostrzewa! But, you know what? It doesn't matter - the League of Satanic Toymakers will win in the end. Do you hear me? We will make all children our evil minions! Bwahahahaha!"
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/140501/geeklynews/01legosbwahahaha.htm]
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