Thank you, Raymond "En" Massey, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the possibility that a clinic that pays for blood plasma was considering opening in our neighbourhood. We can't wait! We never seem to have enough money for mock virgin rum and Cokes, and, with the slightest glitch in oversight, we'll be able to feed our habit four or five nights a week! And, the best part? The clinic will be built right next to the alley where we sleep! Regulators - what are you waiting for? Somebody to die?
Enjoy,You May Have Been Ahead, But Joan Would Sacrifice Herself To Win The Game
Transcript of a séance with the late Russian painter Gregor Gregorovitch Gregorivinsky.
MEDIUM: You are Gregor Gregorovitch Gregorivinsky?
GREGOR GREGOROVITCH GREGORIVINSKY: Can we make this quick? I was in the middle of a volleyball game with Marilyn Monroe, Joan of Arc and Leon Trotsky.
MEDIUM: Very good. Did you sign the recent petition that approved of Russia's annexation of Crimea?
GGG: It depends.
MEDIUM: Depends?
GGG: Sure. Is Vladimir Putin still in charge?
MEDIUM: Sure.
GGG: Then, I certainly did.
MEDIUM: Gregor Gregorovitch, how is it possible that you signed a petition that was released last week when you died five years ago?
GGG: I, uhh, I...that is to say I...I...
MEDIUM: Yes?
GGG: I gave Putin my signature on my death bed and told him to use it however he saw fir!
MEDIUM: That hardly constitutes approval of what Russia has just done, does it?
GGG: But, I do approve! I approve wholeheartedly! I would have signed the petition if I still had a corporeal presence on Earth! Really, I would have!
MEDIUM: Why?
GGG: You think Putin can't get at me here? How naïve are you? Alright - enough of these questions, already! Marilyn is calling me - we were killing Trotsky!
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/putinputsthebootin.shtml]
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No, No, It's Not Dead! It's, It's Restin'! Beautiful Plumage!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=2376573034]
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Charlie Don't Surf! (But, He Always Keeps His Head Above Water)
European financial corporations are finding ways around European Union regulations that put strict caps on executive bonuses. One bank has replaced the term "bonus" with "unlimited adult allowance." One brokerage firm began using the term "reviewable compensation augmentation." Some banks are just calling it "Charlie."
I don't know which is worse: that institutions that are integral to the international financial system resort to cheap language games to maintain the privilege of their executives, or that their cheap language games are likely to stymie politicians and regulators.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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It's Not A Wynne Win Situation
Ontario Conservative Party leader Tim Hudak is not backing down from allegation that Liberal Premier Kathleen Wynne was responsible for the shooting deaths of three teenagers in a North York restaurant because she happened to have eaten there a week before the murders took place.
"We will not back down," Hudak said. "We will never surrender. We shall defend this island. Etc. Etc."
When asked if he should maybe, you know, have some proof before he makes allegations this serious, Hudak replied: "You're publishing them, aren't you?"
Erk.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088564739813&call_pageid=968335203252&col=968777945154]
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So, You'll Be Thanking Obama For "Certainty" Even If He Rejects It, Right? RIGHT?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Maybe Tim Hudak Should Learn From The PQ And Accuse Ontario Students Of Trying To Steal Our Election
Oh, Wait...
When quickly fading star candidate Pierre Karl Peladeau injected the topic of separation into the Quebec provincial election, PQ leader Pauline Marois enthusiastically jumped in with musings that an independent Quebec could have a common currency with the rest of Canada. Quebecers, who could see the writing on the interprovincial wall, flocked to other parties.
To prop up its failing fortunes, the PQ pumped up its Quebec values charter. Hmm...using racial divisions to win votes. Perhaps federal and provincial politicians do share a common currency.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2014/04/02/509727.html]
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Time Springs Eternal
In other hockey news, for the Toronto Maple Leafs, this is the year that may finally follow last year. If they play hard and catch a few breaks, I hear that this could even be the year that precedes next year.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#56330943665]
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A Madman...Or A TV Executive After "Lunch..."
Maryland lawmakers are considering using eminent domain to seize the property of the production company behind Netflix' show House of Cards in response to a letter the show's production company wrote to the governor threatening to move production of the show to another state if they weren't given more tax credits.
Kevin Spacey's response was so profanity laden that we could only publish approximately 20 per cent of the words, which would lead to sentences so discontinuous that they would appear to be the babbling of a madman.
Frank Underwood responded, "I admire politicians who have the balls to stand up to me. This doesn't mean I won't crush them between my thumb and forefinger like I would any other insect, but it will give me much more satisfaction in doing it!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2014/2014/03/23/idliketoseeanurqhartversusunderwooddeathmatch/]
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Is The Test For Oil Or Citizens?
Critics of moving oil across the country by rail have concerns about tests that appear to underestimate the volatility of the substance. The tests include such question as:
A spokesweasel for Transport Minister Lisa Raitt said, "This test gives us a much better profile of the Tar Sands products moving through the country than the Stanford-Binet Crude Oil Apperception Test that had been the standard for many years. So, why don't you focus your attention on the latest innocuous comment by Justin Trudeau that we're blowing out of all proportion and leave the poor Minister alone?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/03/23/csis&desist140323]
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