Thank you, Arminda Armindina, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about clinical trials in Switzerland of LSD. Remember lysergic acid diethylamide? The drug could be making a comeback, baby! And, daddies want some. Daddies want some bad. Reading further, we discovered that the trials were to see if LSD could reduce the anxiety of people with terminal diseases, mostly cancer. Bummer. And, we hadn't even taken anything yet! But, then we remembered a bit of 1960s wisdom - life is a terminal condition - and we were enthusiastic again! Can we get that drug delivered?
Enjoy,God's Love Is Expressed In Mysterious Ways
Hate lost a good friend Wednesday when Westboro Baptist Church pastor Fred Phelps was taken to the big anti-gay rally in the sky.
Reverend Phelps is perhaps best known for organizing a picket of the funeral of Matthew Shepard, a college student who was beaten to death because he was gay. A lesser man may have caved in to the politically correct outcry that followed, but not our Fred. He continued to hold protests outside the funerals of military personnel, arguing that America's tolerance of homosexuality had led god to abandon the country.
He will be missed.
In lieu of flowers, supporters are urged to send cash donations to the white supremacist group of their choice.
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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WANTED: Out of work? Nowhere to live? Nothing to eat? We'll take just about anybody interested in a bit of "light cleaning." QUALIFICATIONS: Must have a pulse. We are very serious about this: only people with a pulse need apply. Knowledge of nuclear power generation optional. Knowledge of nuclear waste disposal definitely an asset. But, mostly, it's about the pulse. BENEFITS: On the job training about nuclear waste disposal. Payment of half your funeral expenses. Your genetic makeup could be altered in a way that would make you a superhero. Stranger things have happened. APPLY: Fukishima Recruitment and Buzzcut Inc.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/140162.qrhtml]
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(Manufacturing) Base Motives
Finance Minister Jim Flaherty is leaving the Conservative caucus. "I have done all I can to destroy Ontario's manufacturing base in politics," Flaherty stated. "I now look forward to the challenge of further destroying Ontario's manufacturing base from the private sector."
Natural Resources Minister Joe Oliver will be taking over from Flaherty. "I believe in Joe's vision," he commented, "and I look forward to completing the destruction of Ontario's manufacturing base that he started."
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/03/21/baseinstinct140321]
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They Tore Down The Information Superhighway And Put Up A Parking Lot
one is the phoniest number) It has been reported that Bill Clinton sent only two emails during his entire presidency. Why?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Our Writers Are Professionals, After All
Can you please explain how one can write an article about the 100th anniversary of the Royal Ontario Museum without mentioning Alfred Chapman, one of its architects?
Bryce Rousche
Sure. You simply write an article about the 100th anniversary of the ROM without writing about one of its architects, Alfred Chapman. It's easy, really.
Public Editor
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1076351831813&call_pageid=968335202082&col=9696406972172]
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Seven people died and 11 were injured when a retaining wall in the Fukishima Daiichi nuclear plant collapsed, spewing toxic gas into the atmosphere. The suspected reason for the collapse was a missing piece at the base of the wall which one of the workers apparently chiselled out as a souvenir.
"Yeah, we tried to impress upon the workers how important it was not to take home parts of the reactor," said Tokyo Electric Power Company VP, External Communications Rao "Rodney" Shin-Wa. "But, when it comes to nuclear energy, you can't anticipate every eventuality. I mean, nobody could have anticipated this!"
But, weren't the workers trained in cleaning up contaminated nuclear power plants? "Yeah, sure, we trained 'em up good," sniffed Luigi Vercotti, the President of Fukishima Recruitment and Buzzcut Inc., the company that hired people to work on the plant cleanup. "Showed 'em a video on nuclear safety from the 1950s. Heh heh. Our nuclear power plant workers are the best duck and coverers in the world, mate. Best in the world!"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2014/ALLPOLITICS/03/18/reps.main/index.html]
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Reefer Mathness
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
Teenagers BUD, BIFF, BARRY and MARGARET are lounging around in a typical suburban basement apartment. Long pause. Bud giggles.
MARGARET: What?
BUD: I was just thinking: am I going to be one of the 40 per cent who drive while high, or one of the 40 per cent who is in a car driven by somebody who is high?
BIFF: That wouldn't work, man.
BUD: Why not?
BIFF: Because there are only four of us. That would make you one of the 25 per cent of the people who are driven by somebody who is high.
BARRY: That's not right, either.
BIFF: It's not?
BARRY: Naah. You don't count the driver who is high. So, that would make him 33 per cent of the people who were in a car with a driver who was high.
MARGARET: None of you know what you're talking about.
BARRY: (annoyed) What?
MARGARET: If the driver is high, he's 100 per cent of the high drivers in the car. And, everybody else is one of the 100 per cent of people in the car who are being driven by somebody who is high.
BUD: So, we're 100 per cent of the people in the Conservative anti-drug ads?
MARGARET: Nooo, we're nowhere near 40 per cent of teens.
BUD: Aww, man, this drug math is hard. Are there any hits left on the joint?
PAUSE.
BIFF: Whole thing's bogus, anyway.
BUD: Why's that?
BIFF: With the mellow we've got on, who wants to go out for a drive?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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