Thank you, Wonarllevyston Garlan Marllon Branddon Bruno Paullynelly Mell Oliveira Pereira, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were never great believers in global climate change. If the planet is warming, why are evil snowmen threatening to disrupt our trip to the mall down the street by using their evil carrot noses to puncture our car tires? But, when Chipotle restaurants announced that they may have to temporarily stop serving guacamole or some salsas because global warming would make it too expensive to get the ingredients, we were forced to reconsider. No guacamole? Really? The economic foundation of this hemisphere is based on cheap, easily available Mexican side dishes! Institute carbon taxes! Support electric cars! Buy offsets for the exhaust from Al Gore's jet! Do whatever it takes, but GIVE US BACK OUR GUACAMOLE!
Enjoy,"It's Pronounced Gong-bong-yay - Yeah, I Don't Know Why I Bother Any More, Either..."
Coca Cola is coming under criticism for a new ad campaign with the tag line, "You're on Diet Coke."
"No, no, no, you've got it all wrong," said the unfortunately named Gary Gangbangier, the architect of the campaign. "We all want to be the stars in the reality show of our own lives. 'You're on' means that you have to get on that stage, give the world your best material and hope you slay everybody. Just kill them.
"Drugs? Pfft! That interpretation never crossed my mind, the account executive's mind, the lead creative's mind, the mind of anybody else associated with the campaign, the mind of anybody associated with the Coca Cola Corporation, its vassals and assigns or the mind of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball!"
After a moment's reflection, Gangbangier added, "Yeah, I have no idea why I'm still working here, either."
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1001052603]
more
Some Things You Just Don't Joke About (Unless You're Mel Brooks)
John Ridley, who won a Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar for his script for 12 Years a Slave, was once a stand-up comedian who wrote for sitcoms. This shows in the original draft of the screenplay, which was a comedy.
"Yeah, Steve [McQueen, director of 12 Years a Slave] wasn't comfortable with the humour in the movie," Ridley commented after the ceremony. "I asked him, 'Haven't you ever seen The Producers?' But, he insisted on going in a different direction. I guess it turned out okay..."
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,19966,1041145,00.html]
more
Gasping At Straws, Man
Conservatives across Canada are outraged, outraged, I tell you by the fact that Liberal leader Justin Trudeau breathes. "Does he not know that oxygen is precious in these days of increasing air pollution?" asked Jason "Oh, My God They Killed" Kenny "You Bastards."
A surprised Trudeau responded, "I'm pretty sure Conservatives breathe, too. Well, except maybe for Jim Flaherty...I have no idea what's up with that dude!"
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
more
Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...Of Crumbling Pieces Of Infrastructure
This week marks the 180th birthday of the City of Toronto. Funny, but the joke about your age doesn't look a day over 150!
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/politics/city/did-you-hear-the-one-about-oh-you-did/]
more
Don't You Know Promises Were Never Meant To Keep?
The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission has taken AOV Adult Movie Channel, AOV XXX Action Clips and AOV Maleflixxx to task for not maintaining 35 per cent Canadian content, as required by their licences.
"Are you kidding me with this shit?" Channel Zero flak Adrian (No Jokes, Please) Dunwoody responded. "I don't want Canadian porn on any of my company's channels! It's poorly written, indifferently shot and badly acted!"
The CRTC arched an eyebrow, as if to say, "And, your point is...?"
"Oh, and most of it is in French!" Dunwoody added. "We would have to add poorly dubbed to the mix of objections!"
The CRTC tilted its head, as if to add: "What part of multiculturalism don't you understand?"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
more
The Farce Is Strong In This One
Doug Ford has accused the Galactic Police Agency of bias in its investigation of his brother, Toronto Mayor Doug Ford. "The Granthian Splendfort officer in charge of the case once met John Tory on an elevator," Dougie said. "He she and it is clearly not fit to investigate the Mayor!"
This comes after the Toronto Police Force handed the case over to the Ontario Provincial Police, which then gave it to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, which eventually ceded the case to Interpol, after which it was handed to the Solar System Enforcement Brigade because no Earth police force could handle it. If the Galactic Police Agency cannot conduct an investigation, the only level of criminal investigation and enforcement left would be God.
"Don't look at me," God is reported to have said. "You think I want the headache of dealing with those two?!"
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32843641316511314820fx]
more
Why Can't I Quilt You?
March is National Quitting Month. Stop doing that before you become a blimp/go blind/start hearing a voice in your head telling you to build an ark and collect animals!
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
more
Best Marienbad Known Director For At The Year Last Film
French filmmaker Alain Resnais has died at the age of 91. There should be a moment of silence for him. Or, possibly 25 years. Continuity cues were never his strong point.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
Money Well (Nuclear) Spent
When asked why the roof of the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant (WIPP) near Carlsbad, New Mexico was smoking, Doreen Stanopoulos, Vice President in Charge of Pubic Obfuscation, replied, "Thank you for noticing. We think the design looks hot, too."
When the question was repeated, Stanopoulos answered, "I know it's a bad habit, but some nuclear waste disposal sites like to have a cigarette after sex, and who are we to deny them their little pleasure?"
When the question was asked for a third time, Stanopoulos' expression grew sombre and she stated: "You would be a bit pissed, too, if you were trying to help progress along by giving it a place to store its garbage and all anybody wanted to ask you about was the potentially adverse health effects of the process!"
That was when reporters gave up.
Ontario Power Generation has been studying WIPP's rhetoric closely so that it will have its obfuscations ready when it builds a similar nuclear waste disposal site somewhere in the province.
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=312]
more