The Daily Me - Perfidy Jones

Thank you, Perfidy Jones, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we figured we must have the coldest bedroom in the city! Well, okay, it may not be quite as cold as the cardboard bedrooms under the highway, but considering what we pay for it...!

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The Daily Me Staff

There's A First Time For Everything

Political junkies will be happy to know that suspended Senator Patrick Brazeau has landed on his feet, getting a job as day manager at the Bare Fax Gentleman's Club. The Bare Fax is a family owned strip club.

When asked how this would reflect on his former colleagues, Brazeau shrugged and said, "Hey! At least I'm honest about the nature of the work I'm doing."

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2014/02/27/509727.html]
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One Misconception About Numbers:

1. Thirteen Has Mystical Powers Of Bad Luck

Thirteen misconceptions about Internet porn:

1. It makes a great screensaver for work.
2. If you don't stop looking at it, you'll void the warranty on your computer monitor.
3. The NSA cares that you like looking at naked people.
4. It isn't as good as real porn. Whatever that may mean.
5. 97 per cent of Internet traffic is porn, so there is effectively no way to be on the Internet and avoid it.
6. If you look at it, even once, even by accident, you will be sending a message to your children (or, if you don't have children, other people's children) that they will not burn in hell for all of eternity for looking at Internet porn, even once, even by accident, so the government should put appropriate filters on the Internet immediately!
7. The government can effectively filter Internet porn in order to save the immortal souls of children you don't know.
8. If you enjoy it, the terrorists win.
9. You can get a sexually transmitted disease from looking at it. Don't be an idiot - where do you think computer viruses come from?
10. It's a drag on the Romanian economy.
11. Your mother never stopped caring that you like looking at naked people.
12. It will inhibit your ability to make pasta.
13. You're the only person in the world interested in it.

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2014/February/Happy_Happy_Fun_Times.asp]
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Fine Arts Degree? SNORT! More Like A "Find Parked Cars" Degree!

According to a groundbreaking study from Statistics Canada, most university graduates earn hundreds of thousands of dollars more over their careers than those with college or high school credentials. Just not you.

"Yeah, we're still scratching our heads over that finding," said the study's author, economist Marc Frenette. "We believe it has something to do with 11 dimensional space, but the computer that did the calculations has had a nervous breakdown and refuses to say anything further until it talks to Stephen Hawking, so we cannot confirm or deny that theory."

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20140224.eladvote0224_@/BNStory/newsOops2014/]
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Ha Ha Ha Indeed

BILL O'MEILLY: So, another loopy leftie think tank has released a report that "shows" that taxing the rich isn't a drag on the economy. Like anybody with half a brain in their head doesn't know that the exact opposite is true! A quarter of a brain! Five twenty-ninths of a brain, even! Nobody can say I don't know my audience! Who are the crazy Pinkoheads who live in their own fantasy world who dreamed up this travesty of statistics? The International Monetary Fund? Obviously, they're a viper's nest of left-wing - WHAT? The International Monetary Fund? The...the...the...Interna - ha - ha - Interna - ha - ha -

VOICE ONE: Bill? Bill, are you alright?

VOICE TWO: He's gone all pale!

O'MEILLY: Ha - ha - ha - ha - the...the...the Interna - ha - ha - ha -

VOICE ONE: (shouting) Bill! Bill! Can you hear me?

VOICE TWO: Oh, my god, I think somebody just broke Bill O'Meilly!

O'MEILLY: Ha - ha - ha - the Interna - ha - ha - ha -

PRODUCER: Go to commercial! (urgent) GO TO COMMERCIAL!

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor

[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2450,98807,00.html]
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Mix And Match Policies

Canada - and Ontario in particular - got a big icy blast of bad economic news last week. Tim Hudak says he's got a plan to create one million jobs over eight years.

It makes the Harper government's determination to do nothing except grind down its deficit numbers look even more short-sighted. In an earlier announcement, [provincial Tories] said they would find even more savings by slashing 10,000 jobs in the education sector.

"We'll balance and it won't be close," [Federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty] said. "We're in good shape." "It's time for my Million Jobs Act," states Hudak, formerly a minister in the Tory governments of Mike Harris and Ernie Eves.

SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups

[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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While Conditions On The Ground Are Going To Hell...

Russia sending troops into the Ukraine has raised Western impotent bluster levels to orange. If the troops remain for any length of time, the impotent bluster alert will surely go up to gale level red.

Meanwhile, American General Curtis le Maye-Hemme commented, "The Russians are our enemies again? Really? Have I died and gone to heaven?"

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Maybe They Were Referring To Nikoloas Historinopolitickoi...

number) Why did the Harper Government of Canada not invite any members of the Liberal party on its junket to the Ukraine? a) because when he was 12, Liberal leader Justin Trudeau made a fart joke about his best friend, whose grandmother had come to Canada from Belarus, which is close to the Ukraine, and that shows that he doesn't take international politics seriously and is a policy lightweight unfit to lead a national government!
b) one word: marijuana!
c) because the Harper Government of Canada is just not that into him

 number plus other number) Why did the Harper Government of Canada not invite any members of the NDP on its junket to the Ukraine? a) because NDP leader Thomas Mulcair is just such a grumpy old sourpuss, and the situation is dire enough without adding that to the mix!
b) because taunting socialists just isn't as much fun since Jack Layton died
c) because the Harper Government of Canada is really just not that into him

 "History, not politics, drives Canada's support" - Globe and Mail headline on a story about - you guessed it - the Ukraine

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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