Thank you, Bubbe Gunter, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, today's Daily Me was brought to you by the letters F and U. F and U, for those times you really can't say what you're thinking, but you can't stop yourself from saying something anyway.
Enjoy,Helping You Find A Job...Building You A Bridge To Nowhere In An Election Year - Politics Is All About Making Tough Choices
Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has announced that his latest budget, Thinking About Growth and Jobs, will build on his previous efforts, such as Pondering Jobs and Growth and Musing Out Loud About Jobs and Growth. Considering that the only people for whom jobs grew in this period were tar sands temporary foreign workers, it seems reasonable to ask what will be different about this budget.
"This time, growth comes before jobs in the title," Flaherty pointed out. "As far as the Harper Government of Canada is concerned, that's a game changer right there!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/02/09/slimjim140209]
more
Monkey Sochi, Monkey D'oh!
Why is Sochi the most expensive winter Olympics that has ever been held? Apparently, they needed to double up on toilet seats. "I do not know why everybody has complaining about that," complained Sochi representative Vlad Vladivostock. "Do you not have love seats in the west?"
After taking an antacid tablet to settle my queasy stomach, I pointed out that, if he would prefer, I would be happy to discuss the shoddy construction of buildings in the Olympic Village, the bribes that made the cost of the event skyrocket or the jailing of those who disagree with the government, especially gay rights activists. "Is funny thing," Vladivostock commented. "You would not thinking that two toilet seats would be so difficult to build, but plumbing in Olympic Village was nightmare!"
Meanwhile, Toronto Mayor Ford, doing his best to prove that there really is such a thing as bad publicity, demanded that an Olympic Rainbow Flag be taken down from a pole at City Hall, even though it had all the proper permits and approvals. Rumour has it that the Mayor, who never met a gay pride event that he could like, will be asked to host the Sochi closing ceremonies.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#59030133872]
more
REMEMBER: Nothing Is True Until At Least Three Government Officials Have Lied About It
CHILD: As the offspring of a concerned mother, I know how hard it is to score weed. I have to sneak around, meeting drug dealers in dark places at inconvenient times and risk getting caught by the police and sent to juvenile court. But, if Justin Trudeau has his way, pot will be even harder for me to get, because it will be sold by licenced vendors who are highly motivated by potential prison sentences not to sell to minors. Darn Justin Trudeau anyway! That's why I trust Stephen Harper's judgment, and hope marijuana stays illegal - and readily available to kids like me, for a long, long time.
ANNOUNCER: This message has been approved by Timmy.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=109525or624]
more
The Department of Homeland Security is warning airlines flying to Russia that terrorists may try to smuggle explosives onto planes in toothpaste tubes. That's right - toothpaste. Of course, if the terrorists succeed, the victims will have the shiniest teeth the coroner has ever had to identify the bodies with!
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
more
In a triumph for consumers, Canada's Competition Bureau has struck a deal with four publishing giants to remove or amend clauses in their distribution agreements with individual book retailers that appear to set prices for ebooks. This should result in more competition and lower prices for their products.
"What about me?" a lone writer asked. "I already have to hold down three part-time jobs just to survive - how am I supposed to get by earning even less money from my writing?"
Ebook retailers may now start offering regular discounts on bestsellers just as they do with paper copies. * moan * The Competition Bureau continues to investigate the practices of other publishers, and may take action in the future that would lower the cost of a wider array of books. * Oh, shoot me now! *
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.57/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
more
Most MPs Don't Read Long Bills, Anyway, So Why Waste The Time?
The Conservative government has tabled a bill that would change the way Canadians vote, claiming that it will "uphold the great principles of democracy that built this country." The 242 page bill will get three days of debate before the government brings it to a vote.
This seems to say more about the great principles of democracy that built this country than the Conservatives perhaps realize.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c27-bf9b-007b67cc43ec]
more
The Balance Of Fanatical Behaviour In The Universe Must Be Maintained
Author J. K. Rowling has said in an interview that she made some choices in the Harry Potter series of books that she now regrets.
"On page 357 of Deathly Hallows," Rowling exampled, "I think I should have chosen the verb 'proselytized' instead of 'stated.'" This comes a couple of years after Rowling told a journalist: "I think I should have made Hagrid taller. I had always envisioned him as taller, and there are hints buried within the text for those who look very, very closely, but I didn't come out and say it. Too bad about that."
The new revelations have received a mixed reaction from fans. "I knew it!" exclaimed Porfiry Pettifore. "Knew it! Knew it! Knew it! Knew it! 'Proselytized' was the obvious verb to go with - everything in the previous books had been leading up to that verb! I'm really disappointed in J.K.!"
Andrew Carmelite just shrugged the news off. "You know, 'stated' is a perfectly good verb," he argued. "As the creator of the books, Rowling had every right to go with her gut and write what she wanted, and I don't think second-guessing her choices now adds anything worthwhile to the books."
When asked about George Lucas' editing of the original Star Wars movie, Carmelite started frothing at the mouth and repeatedly screamed, "Han shot first! Han shot first! Han shot first!" until he had to be sedated.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2014/2014/01/28/potteredhistory/]
more
