Thank you, Glafira Polikarpova, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were sick of the office (and, if you want the truth, each other), so went to a cat cafe, a place where you can have a drink, get some work done and share some quality time with a fantastic furry feline friend. (No, that wasn't part of the cafe's advertising - we came up with the phrase all on our own. As writers, we do have our moments, you know!) Within five minutes, a cat had coughed a furball up into our latte. A few minutes later, a different cat placed a dead mouse at our feet. At least, we hoped it was dead, and the twitching was random muscle firing. As we were leaving, we found a cat - it could have been one of the ones we played with, it could have been one we hadn't - had pissed in our boots.
And, we thought, This is just like home! We can't wait to come back tomorrow!
Enjoy,The Tweet About The Spanish Inquisition Was Supposed To Go Out Last Month - We're Looking Into It...
The Harper Government of Canada denies that it controls the tweets of civil servants so much that they are out of date by the time that they are sent.
"Okay, we may have been a little slow to announce the end of World War One," said anonymous Industry Canada insider Belarus Retention. "But, the fact that the Earth revolves around the sun is still news to a lot of people, so that tweet was legitimate!"
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Seventy-eight Per Cent Are Planning On Cultivating A Taste For Dog Food
Forty per cent of Canadians say they are planning on getting an inheritance in order to be able to retire while 34 per cent say they plan on winning the lottery. "It's good to have a plan," said actuary Penelope von Spritzer. We were planning on asking her if she was being ironic, but she had a heart attack and died before she could respond.
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2014/01/02/509727.html]
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You Don't Become A Venture Capitalist By Thinking Through The Implications Of What You Say
Godwin's Grove is a quiet little neighbourhood of the Bag of Crazy where Holocaust deniers drive down the property values of those who would use the Holocaust to score points in an argument, usually, but not always political. Venture capitalist Tom Perkins, who has a nasty habit of writing letters to the Wall Street Journal, has a tasteful villa in a shady part of the neighbourhood. Really, if it wasn't for the six foot tall stone wall with manned gun turrets every few yards, you wouldn't even know it was there.
Perkin's comparison of progressive social activists to Nazis might seem inappropriate at first blush, but you don't become a venture capitalist by blushing. The wealthy caste whose fraudulent behaviour nearly caused a worldwide depression - for which it was and continues to be obscenely compensated - are clearly the same as German Jews in the 1930s, who were guilty of...umm...well, that is to say...err...being Jewish.
Well, okay, that part of the analogy doesn't scan well, but you don't become a venture capitalist by scanning well. The one per cent, who can afford to protect themselves with small armies carrying the latest weapons, are clearly on a par with German Jews in the 1930s who were able to protect themselves with soup spoons and...and moral outrage. Well, okay, that doesn't seem like much, but you would be surprised how much damage somebody who is morally outraged can do to a heavily armed police unit with a soup spoon.
You don't become a venture capitalist by being driven by paranoid delusions. It is, however, a great way of taking up residence in the Bag of Crazy.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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David Cronenberg Was A Design Consultant
For a long time, it was believed that Canadians were forced to watch substitute commercials during the American Super Bowl in order to support Canadian television networks. However, a recent article in the journal Inhuman Behaviour indicates that this has been a long-term social science experiment.
"For a long time, the holy grail of advertising (other than using images of the holy grail), has been to create an irrational desire on the part of consumers to view ads," wrote Delbert Flange, lead researcher of the University of Toronto team that designed the experiment. "Our experience with denying Super Bowl ads to Canadians has proven categorically that such an irrational desire can, under the right conditions, be created."
Then, Flange wiped the saliva off his lips and went onto YouTube.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1165H3EC-2C145-60K5-AAA1589904B715741]
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It's Good To Have A Pla...n - Where Have We Heard That Before?
Pop star Justin Bieber has been arrested for driving while under the influence, and has been accused of repeatedly hitting his driver in the head.
Not bad. However, his repertoire of bad boy behaviour does seem limited. He's going to have to step up his game - possibly being recorded making racial slurs in a drunken stupor, perhaps contributing to a little criminal on criminal jailhouse violence - if he hopes to become Mayor of Toronto!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Ad on Canadian radio:
MOTHER: Being a mother is hard. I know. Because I am one. And, it's hard. But, you know what makes it harder? LIBERAL LEADER GARY TRUDEAU WANTS TO TURN ALL OF OUR CHILDREN INTO DRUG ADDICTS! THERE IS NO DEPRAVITY TO WHICH THE LIBERAL PARTY LED BY TRUDEAU WON'T SINK! TRUDEAU IS EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!
ANNOUNCER: You seem tense.
MOTHER: Seem tense? SEEM TENSE! I am tense! I don't want my children smoking crack and wearing jeans below their asses and saying "Yo, wassup?" like, like, like common street thugs!
ANNOUNCER: Here. Take a drag of this.
MOTHER: I - you - what is it?
ANNOUNCER: It's just a...cigarette. You know how they can relieve tension...
MOTHER: I - okay. Here. Let me...mmm, that's nice. May I...may I have another?
ANNOUNCER: Be my guest.
MOTHER: Mmm... So. Anyway. What was I, umm, saying?
ANNOUNCER: Marijuana is relatively harmless for adults, and we shouldn't use our children as pawns in a propaganda war against drugs?
MOTHER: Yeah. That sounds about right. Here, can I have that back for a second?
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/justasmalltokeofaffection.shtml]
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