Thank you, Bingo Kampmann, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we had to admit that we really enjoyed The Hunger Games and its sequel, Catching Fire. As far as we're concerned, there can never be enough films where the world as we know it has been completely destroyed so that teens can find themselves!
Enjoy,In Toronto's Case, It's More Like Finishing The Job City Council Had Started
Grinchateliers from the star system Glortch have invaded Earth, taking many national capitals and sparking battles all over the world. We requested an interview with the leader of the team invading Toronto so that we could ask it what it thought of the latest Rob Ford video.
"You know, your Mayor has some serious problems, not just with the drinking, but with the truth," said Grinchatelier strike force leader Zohar the Antifungal through Babbleferret translation software. "His antics have made your city a laughingstock throughout the galaxy. Any self-respecting people would have sent him to face his fate naked, unarmed and alone in the Grafnaffor Marshes long ago!"
We were daydreaming about booking passage for Ford to the Grafnaffor Marshes when Zohar the Antifungal interrupted our reverie with: "Love to stay and chat, but I have to destroy your City Hall now - try not to take it personally!"
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Captain Scrunch Runs His Ship Aground
Excerpt from minutes of a meeting of the Board of Directors of Consolidated Foodstuffs, Inc.:
BOARD MEMBER TILLSON-GILLESPIE: President Scrunch, were you aware that half a million boxes of Sugar Coated Cardboard Crispies had been contaminated with motor oil?
PRESIDENT SCRUNCH: No, sir. I was not.
BOARD MEMBER TILLSON-GILLESPIE: You did not know about a problem with one of our products that would result in a massive class action suit against the company and at least three separate government investigations of our internal operations?
PRESIDENT SCRUNCH: My secretary kept it from me. He...he knows how sensitive I am about corporate scandal. One whiff can ruin my whole day! And, how am I supposed to run things when that happens?
BOARD MEMBER TILLSON-GILLESPIE: You expect us to believe that your secretary kept a problem from you that has caused the price of the company's preferred shares to plummet by 73 per cent?
PRESIDENT SCRUNCH: It's true! The first I learned about the problem was when Sixty Minutes ran an entire episode on us! Now, if you ask me, I thought they could have cut it down to 40 minutes, but I may be too critical of how the media -
BOARD MEMBER TILLSON-GILLESPIE: I'm sorry, President Scrunch, but, if this is true, what are we paying you for?
PRESIDENT SCRUNCH: I'm sorry?
BOARD MEMBER TILLSON-GILLESPIE: Last year, Consolidated Foodstuffs paid you 17 kajillion dollars in salary and stock options to run the Breakfast Stuffs (Except Waffles), Dog Food and Nourishmeceuticals Division. If -
PRESIDENT SCRUNCH: That's right. And, I earned every penny of it. I was intimately involved in every aspect of the Division's operations. No detail was too small for me to know about.
BOARD MEMBER TILLSON-GILLESPIE: No detail?
PRESIDENT SCRUNCH: What can I say? My therapist says I'm obsessive about details to the point of paralysis.
BOARD MEMBER TILLSON-GILLESPIE: Details like motor oil in people's cornflakes?
PRESIDENT SCRUNCH: Oh, wait - you're actually paying attention to what I'm saying, aren't you?
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/captainofindustryscrunch.shtml]
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The Joy Of Essex
Dave Brister has been fired as an Essex provincial Progressive Conservative candidate for candidly condemning its policies attacking the poor. It would seem that there are already right to work rules at play within the party...
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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BONUS: Ant-Man Would Crawl Into The Works And Get Crushed In The Timer
Seven ways superheroes can deal with an imminent exploding bomb without having to worry about whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire.
1. Thor can pulverize the bomb with his hammer.SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2014/January/Red_And_Blue_State_Of_Mind.asp]
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Or, Is It All Just Words?
In order to combat anti-Semitism, the state of Israel is considering banning use of the word "Nazi." Would this make it Nazi Nazis?
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2014Jan11.html]
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This Could Be Huguet!
Apple Inc. said it has never worked with the US National Security Agency to provide backdoor access to any of its products. "We have never worked with the US National Security Agency to provide backdoor access to any of our products." claimed company spokeswidget Kristin Huguet.
When asked why she insisted that we meet in a well lit space with a lot of people rather than conduct our interview over email or instant messaging, Huguet said, "You can never be too careful these days."
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/140111/geeklynews/01huguetsallaround.htm]
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Could This Be Ford's "Go The Fuck Away From Jesus" Moment?
Torontonians couldn't get enough of two new videos of Mayor Rob Ford: one portraying a drunken rant against police Chief Bill Blair that involved Jamaican patois; the other appearing to show him conversing with criminal Sandro Lisi. This comes after the city swore that it would never watch another Ford video again.
"That's not how binge video watching works," cautioned psychiatrist Ricardo Blevinson. "You can go weeks, even months without watching a single frame, then you'll gorge on hours of embarrassing videos in one evening."
Blevinson warned that claims by Toronto that it could tackle this problem on its own were naïve. "The only way to cope with an addiction of this magnitude is to seek professional help. Unfortunately, those closest to the city of Toronto continue to excuse its behaviour, feeding its denial."
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/local/entire-city-on-couch/]
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