Thank you, Dagbjartur Ariliusson, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we realized that, what with the 24 hour news cycle, citizen journalism on the Internet and the increasing popularity of selfies, news is not what it once was. (Of course, news never really was what it once was, but please forgive us this little bit of hyperbole.) We thought we should probably address this issue. Unfortunately, when we sat down to write something about it, we found we had nothing profound, original or even mildly interesting to say. So, we've decided to go with the photo of the pile of otters, because, well, photo of a pile of otters.
Enjoy,Somebody Will Be Embarrassed, We're Just Not Sure Who Yet
The Israeli government has passed a law that all Arabs living in the Occupied Territories must wear their underwear on the outside. Likudniks argued that this move was necessary to safeguard the lives of Israeli civilians and, because national security was invoked, nobody in the Knesset felt they could argue.
"The Israeli government is absolutely right to do this," said visiting indignitary Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "Self-defense - surrounded by hostile enemies - hostile undemocratic enemies - history of persecution - blah blah blah."
When asked if he was considering bringing a similar law to Parliament in Canada, Harper responded, "Are you nuts? The Supreme Court would overturn it faster than light could get from the bulb overhead to my ass! Or, vice versa! But, aah, ask me again after Marc Nadon finally takes his place on the bench..."
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1902851597485]
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He's Just Grumpy Because He'll Never Get The Job He Really Wants
Conservative Tim Hudak has announced plans for full employment in Ontario. Against a backdrop touting his Jillion Jobs Jaunt, he described a programme of corporate tax cuts and union busting.
How is this different from last year's unpopular Right to Work plan? "It...it's the Jillion Jobs Jaunt," Hudak explained. "It's - the name - the name is not the same. That makes the plan completely different."
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2005/01/22/509727.html]
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Man Doesn't Plan, God Still Laughs
Didjya hear about this? Homeland Security officers say drug dealers in New Mexico are selling blue crack, just like the ones they used to sell on the TV show Breaking Bad. Unfortunately, none of them plan on dying the way Walter White did on the show...
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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Oh, Put A Lid On It (And, No, That's Not A Reference To The Dead Animal On Your Head)
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/aggressive-stupidity-always-trumps-facts/]
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Not Very Bright, Lee
It has been proven, time and time again, that the way to stop a gasoline fire is to add gas to it. And, if the Internet is slow where you live because there are too many users online at the same time, the obvious solution is to add more users. Given these common sense ideas, it should come as no surprise that the answer to gun violence in schools is to add more guns. And, to build on this principle, bigger ones.
Say hello to South Carolina state Senator Lee Bright. Hello, South Carolina state Senator Lee Bright. Appearing on Fox News Radio's The Alan Colmes Show, he was asked if school teachers should bring machine guns to work. This was his reply.
Can you picture it? The Math teacher bringing a bazooka to the lunchroom to get whoever it is who takes bites out of the sandwiches she brings for lunch to fess up and stop? Then, the French teacher takes a Kalashnikov out of her locker and leads a cadre of armed students to the principal's office to try and convince him not to close the French department in the latest round of cutbacks? I'm sure our children feel safer already.
As it happens, there are no schools in the Bag of Crazy. Those who live there never learn.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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With An Election Coming Next Year, This Could Be Considered The Colm Before The Storm
Many people were surprised when Stephen Harper revealed his secret identity as Prime Minister of Canada in a series of pictures and videos online known as 24 Seven. Most of them knew him as somebody who appeared on their television every so often to talk about things they weren't interested in.
More surprising is the fact that the role of Stephen Harper was actually played on the Web site by acclaimed Canadian actor Colm Feore.
"Are you kidding?" Feore explained. "I was handed the opportunity to humanize a TV character best known for looking like he's about to eat kittens - what actor wouldn't jump at the challenge?"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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If That's The Level Of Discourse You Want To Engage In, It Really Only Has One Logical Conclusion
The Official Field Spotter's Guide to the Smoke Nazi
They put smokers into concentration camps and slaughter them without mercy.
SOURCE: Cigar Extremist
[http://www.cigarextremist.com/articles/hyperbolicrhetoric-101/smokenazi]
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Sit Your Ground, Man, Sit Your Ground!
A Florida man was shot to death in a movie theatre because he refused to stop texting his daughter while the film was being screened. The man sitting behind him asked him to stop; popcorn was thrown and BOOM went the dynamite!
"He threw popcorn at me!" said Curtis Reeves, the man who pulled the trigger. "If a couple of kernels had fallen into my mouth, I could have choked to death! Obviously, shooting him was self-defense!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2014-01-15-wtc-lawsuit_x.htm]
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Marginally Better Than Having The Prime Minister Run From You, I Suppose...
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Somebody Is Being Abbas-tard...
Transcript of a meeting between West Bank President Mahmoud Abbas and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
HARPER: So. The West Bank The weather isn't as...hot as I thought it would be.
ABBAS: Un hunh.
LONG PAUSE.
HARPER: Yes, well, umm...thanks for the tea.
ABBAS: Sure.
LONG PAUSE.
HARPER: You know I love you, too, right?
ABBAS: Bite me.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/letsnotharperonit.shtml]
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